friday, december 31, 1999 / saturday january 1, 2000 - HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!
WOO HOO!!!  i am not sure i've ever been happier to be alive!  it is 2000!  we made it!  it is so way kewl!!!
here's to a new millennium!  may it be a new day, in which we can all live true to who we are!
here's to the 21st century!  that in it we will see an end to the bigotry and hatred of the 20th century!
here's to friends, new and old!  the life blood of us all!
here's to new hope, that it fills each of our hearts, taking away all that has brought pain!
here's to love, that it will find us each and stay for a lifetime!
here's to peace for us all!
a new millennium, the dawn of a new age that stands waiting for us all to live a new and wonderful life!  cheers!

i got off work early!  as i watched all the celebrations around the world, i don't think i have ever felt so much a part of an entire world community.  it feels great!  why not?!  we are all the same.  why should boarders keep us apart?  the greatest thing about this days celebrations around the world, it has shown us the humanity that we so often doubt.  what a wonderful place to live, what a wonderful time to be alive!

i feel so happy!!!  i wish i could have all my friends and family around me right now!  before i go off-line tonight, i'm going to email my best friend.  he has been trying to say he is sorry.  i've not been accepting.  tonight i will.  in this new age, i'll forgive, and accept back a friend!  and, the most special thing about this dawning of a new day, i came out to my sister tonight!!!  woo hoo!!!  she is only the second person i've told!  her response, "why did you wait so long to tell me?"  she was happy!  i felt so good!  she was so cool!  she made me feel great.  she talked about how it wasn't right that i didn't feel i could be who i really am.  she didn't care one bit that i am gay!  i wish i could write all night, but, i've got to be back at work in a few hours!

before i finish this journal on this special night, i want to say thanks to all my friends.  i don't have as many as i wish, but the ones i have are very special.  new and old, thank you friends.  you've given me hope, love and peace.  you're the reason i can smile, be happy and look with anticipation to the new day ahead.  together we will prevail.  together we will make this new age a day in which gay, straight, lesbian, bisexual, transgender can all live, together in peace and happiness!
peace, to us all
 

thursday, december 30, 1999
today has been another good day.  well, it started out good anyway :-)  i had lunch with the friend that bailed on me.  because of that i spent most of the day thinking about him.  that brought me down, just because i don't know what to do.  he is the best friend i ever had.  but he hurt me a lot.  how much can i do to try to get him back?  how much do i have to let him come back himself?  it is hard.  if he wasn't important to me, i guess it wouldn't be so hard.  i was about to tell him good bye, to be done with the heart ache.  but he came back the very same night i was going to say good bye.  now i have to figure out why he came back.  if he is being true.  if i can trust him again.  if he means it when he says he is sorry.  i trusted him with my life.  i trusted him with everything.  i trusted him in ways i've never trusted anyone before.  i'm not sure i'll ever be able to do that again.

damn, i bought a new dvd player today with my christmas money.  now i'm to down to play around with it.  i guess maybe tomorrow.  i hope he knows, my friends are right, i can't keep dragging myself down like this.  i love him very much.  i want him back as my best friend.  i want him to be my best friend for a lifetime.  but, i can't keep wondering.  i can't keep being pulled down.

tomorrow is new years eve.  since i may work at the theatre late and then early again the next morning, i probably won't get anything written tomorrow night.  i'll really try dude.  i'm committed to keeping this journal up to date.  i'll put my new years wishes in my next entry.  tonight i will only say i hope the new year finds everyone, who is hurting and alone; with new love, new friends, and new hope.
peace
 

wednesday, december 29, 1999
woo hoo!  i feel so great!  thanks to some great advice from a new friend!  i'm really happy like i haven't been since before the pascal thing.  thanks new pal!   today i watched "the talented mr. ripple" again!  woo hoo!  it is the greatest movie.  and i sat upfront so i didn't have to hear the comments!  then afterward i spent some time having fun with some new friends from work!  it was so way cool!  to have new friends.  to do fun things other than stay home.  and you know what dude?  the guy i talked to about "mr. ripple", the guy who's friend is bisexual.  he was one of the guys who was hanging with me.  i just feel so good!  it is great to feel good about life!  i hope it last for a few days at least!  know what dude?  i know i am doing a lot better, because once again i am not worried if people know i'm gay!  woo hoo!
 

tuesday, december 28, 1999
today has been a really good day.  i've felt better about myself than i have in a long time.  i think it is because i've done what i can with my friend.  i hope he keeps being my friend, but i know i've done what i can.  a person can never force friendship, it is something chosen by two people.  i also feel good about myself because of some new friends i've made on the net.  they have given me the encouragement and kind words i've been needing, but haven't had.  sometimes all it takes to put aside an entire days worth of crap is one kind word from a friend.  something that tells you it will be ok.  that is what i missed with my friend leaving.  he is the only one who knew i was gay, so he was the only one who could help.  when he stopped encouraging me, it was hard.  now i have new friends who are helping me.  that is so cool!  i hope they stay.  i'll take it real slow, i don't want to screw up any friendships.

hey dude, tonight at work something cool happened.  two of the guys started gay bashing (nothing new, that happens every night).  instead of just ignoring it like usual i was feeling so good, i challenged them!  woo hoo!  one guy is an admitted hill billy.  i just told him he needed to get out of indiana more.  he needed to open his mind up.  he seemed to think some about it.  but the best was the other guy who wasn't so bad to beginning with.  we started talking and it was like he was really listening.  he said he hated "the talented mr. ripley" because of the gay guys in it.  by the end of our talk he backed off of that, and he told me one of his best friends at school was bisexual.  we talked about that for awhile too.  it was just cool.  the first time i stepped up and challenged this normal homophobic stuff in indiana!  woo hoo!

the more i think about the movie, the talented mr. ripley, the more i like it.  it is just a great movie.  everyone should see it!  speaking of the movie, i had a first tonight.  in emails i talked with a friend who is a girl, about the guys in the movie and how cute they are.  i've never known a girl who knows i'm gay.  it is so cool to talk to her about guys!  maybe girls aren't so bad after all, at least as friends ;-)

i try to help people.  it is just a part of who i am.  as long as i can remember i've just always wanted to do what i can to help.  today two friends emailed and helped me.  they told me the good things about myself.  you know what?  that felt really good.  i try to do that for others so much, i forgot that everyone needs it, including me.  i'm not trying to sound arrogant.  i'm just expressing a new idea i've just found... everyone needs someone.  we can't give and give without getting something from others to help keep us going.  and... it's not wrong to want others to say nice things about yourself.  cool.
peace
 

monday, december 27, 1999
tonight after work i watched "the talented mr. ripley".  it is really a good movie.  it has been a long time since i've watched a movie that makes me think, that has real characters and a real story.  it was a really good movie.  and to make it even nicer (this did not make the movie good, it is just an added bonus) matt damen's character, tom ripley, is gay.

i am reading this really great book right now.  it is called "geography of the heart".  i am only one third of the way through and i've already lost count of the times it has made me cry.  dude, you will think i'm a cry baby, as much as i say i cry.  but, in reality, i don't cry much.  not much at all.  that is one of my problems i am trying to work on, allowing myself to show emotion.  i've done a lot better since i came out to myself, but i still have a ways to go.  anyway, this book is really good.  i've been having problems with a very important friend of mine.  something i read today hit me really hard.  just when i've been searching for answers about my friend, i read this in "geography of the heart" by fenton johnson
"what is the cost of cutting love from the heart?  I have spent a good deal of time considering that question, and this is part of what I have learned:  The cost translates into acts that can be counted and tallied and for which we all finally pay.  Violence against others, violence against oneself; bigotry, drug addictions, suicides, assaults, murders, or the simple, dull passing of a life given to self-pity, self-denial, and bitterness; contempt for others, so as to reduce them to something like the contempt one feels for oneself."
i've felt like the only thing i could do to heal the hurt i've felt from my friend, was to cut love from my heart.  to cut him from my heart...  i can't do that.  so, i'll try.  i'll try to put aside my pain and rebuild my friendship.  i'll forgive.

i learned an important thing from an email i received tonight.  it might seem small, but it is important to me.  there are good people out there in this world.
 

sunday, december 26, 1999
i just watched "as good as it gets" with jack nicholson, greg kenier and helen hunt.  it made me cry.  i don't do that much during movies.  then i saw a picture in one of my mags of to young guys; leaning, heads touching,  looking into each others eyes, in love... and i cried.  and i'm still crying.  that is all i could ever wish for, that love.  and all the time it's in my head, that love is what i will never have.
"what if this is as good as it gets?"
 

saturday, december 25, 1999
christmas... hmmm.  just hasn't been much of a day.  i think i'm going to give up on holidays.  give them up until i get a boyfriend and am out on my own.  then i can have my time and enjoy holidays.  right now they just seem to be another day... so why not expect them to be that way from the start?  that way no let down.  i think on monday i'm going to tell the boss i'll work on new years eve.  no reason not to.  no one has asked me to any parties, i have no boyfriend to spend the night with.  so... i might as well work.

i worked today.  a full eight hours.  it was bad too... things kept going wrong with the projectors :-(  thank god none of it was my fault, but still...
one good thing... early on in the day the cutest guy came in!  this dude was sooooo cute!  he was definitely the cutest guy who has been there since i have started working.  i thought i was going to blow it because i couldn't keep my eyes off of him :-)  i'm glad i was running the projectors, if i had been usher i would have spent the entire time in the theatre he was in ;-)

my email is messed up tonight :-(  i wanted to write some emails.  oh well, maybe tomorrow it will be back online.
my friend has been talking to me.  he wants to do something this coming week.  i'm still not sure.  i've been thinking about it a lot.  i still don't have any idea if he understands me or what i've been feeling or why i've felt so bad about what he did.  if he doesn't understand, if things don't change soon... i think that means we would have to start all over with our friendship.  i am pretty sure i don't want to do that.  not now.
peace
 

friday, december 24, 1999
i heard something today that has really hit me.  it was from oprah... "that's all anybody really wants for christmas, to know they are loved."
wow.  she is exactly right.  that is what christmas is about... love.  i should spend more time letting people know i love them.  i'm sure there are people that i will give things to this christmas, who would much rather know they are loved.  that's all i would want for christmas.  my heart would be warmed and my soul happy if i opened up a present and inside was a simple note that said, "you are loved."
peace... and love
 

thursday, december 23, 1999
as i was writing my journal and answering email last night, i was having a.... 'heated' discussion with a friend of mine.  it has had me crying most of the day.  damn... and i was feeling so much better yesterday.  i have this fear of opening up to people.  i'm afraid because when you open up to people you become close.  becoming close to someone means you are vulnerable.  when i was younger i had a really bad experience with someone i cared about leaving me.  my friend knows this.  but for some reason he can't understand why it hurt me so much that he just disappeared for a month.  he has done nothing to show me he understands and he is sorry.  we haven't even really talked yet.  we chatted for a few hours last night, but you know what?  it was only because the person he wanted to chat with wasn't online.  and he can't understand why i'm not sure the friendship will ever be the same?  i'm not even sure i am ready for the friendship to go on.  i don't want to be hurt again.

i finished my christmas shopping today.  i did all of it at the mall.  and i didn't go to craig's store once.  i'm proud of myself.  it is really hard not to do that.  he is the only gay guy i know, i mean outside of cyber space.  but, he is very confusing to me.  i have no clue whether he likes me, or whether he even remembers me.  so i need to let him go... before i get hurt yet again.  he has my phone number.  if anything's meant to be, he'll call.  i won't talk to him or see him again.  not unless he calls.  dude, let me tell you, that is really hard to do :-)  he is so cute!

i can't believe tomorrow is christmas eve.  it is one of my favorite nights of the year.  my family all come together to celebrate.  i think of my friend jesus.  i always watch "it's a wonderful life".  jimmy stewart is one of my fav actors.  i'll be watching with a new perspective this year :-).  i think i'll try to find something special to write tomorrow night.  i'll even try to post it early so you can read it dude.
peace
 

wednesday, december 22, 1999
to everyone who has taken time to email me... thank you so much.  you don't know what it means to know i'm not alone.  it means a lot to have your words of encouragement.  it means a lot to know what you think of my pages and this journal.  Thanks!

i saw you this morning with that look in your eyes.  i hate to see you looking like your lost and lonely.  it isn't easy when you're all by yourself.  don't you worry, i hear you cause i know what it's like.  and if you look you'll find, i got you on my mind  cause baby... i'll be there for you, when you need somebody i'll be there for you, when you want someone who cares, when your down and feelin' blue, i'll be there, i'll be there for  you, when you call me i'll be there.  i wanna show you how good it will be.  never needed anyone the way i need you right now.  do you know you'll never be alone anymore.  we can make it together, it's gonna be all right.  and if you look you'll find, i got you on my mind cause baby... i'll be there for you, when you need somebody i'll be there for you, when you want someone who cares, when your down and feelin' blue, i'll be there, i'll be there for  you, when you call me i'll be there.
-the moffatts "i'll be there for you"
peace
 

tuesday, december 21, 1999
i didn't get as much done today as i hoped.  i got called into work at the last minute.  i did do something very important today.  the friend who liked me, the one who stopped talking to me.  i said good bye today.  i wrote an email that he probably won't read.  then i removed everything that had anything to do with him.  pictures, email address, icq...everything.  i wanted to get the stuff off my web page too, but with work i didn't have time.  hopefully tomorrow.  i'm sure most of you have figured out that this friend and my friend pascal, are the same person.  i'm going to get rid of the mentions of him on my page, so i want you to know why they are gone.  i have to move on, but it is still hard...

i finished the novel last night.  yea, i cried.  it is a great novel.  it is about lost love.  going on.  finding life.  it is called "nightswimmer"  by joseph olshan.  read it!  i also bought my next novel yesterday.  it was recommended by a friend.  it is called "geography of the heart".  it was a special order from the bookstore.  you know what was cool about it.  when i went to pick it up the guy that got it for me said, "this is a really good book".  i said, "you've read it?".  "yea", he said, "i have".  "cool".  i didn't realize until i was in my car that the book is a gay novel.  i really had no clue.  i just knew my friend said i should read it.  it is so cool to meet people like that.  and to think i was afraid of what the person who checked me out would think.  maybe there are more gay guys out there than i thought.

i wanted to say a few other things, but they will have to wait.  in the middle of writing this (right after i wrote "i cried.") a friend messaged me.  we talked for almost three hours.  it was good to talk to him, because i really thought i lost him. it has been hard not having him to talk to.  i hope he knows how much i need him.  not his time... i just need to know he is standing by my side.  i thought i lost that.
peace
 

monday, december 20, 1999
it is late.  we had our christmas party at the theatre tonight.  it was a lot of fun!  but, it didn't start until 11:00 pm.  no big deal, but 3:00 am is about as late as i can stay up and still write a journal that makes since, so... if you don't understand this, you know why :-)

i decided something about craig (the dude from the mall) today.   i went to see him.  i saw him, but i didn't talk to him..   i don't want to talk about it right now.  maybe in a few days.  i know i kinda just stopped writing about him... but sometimes it is just hard to write.

i'm worried about my best friend.  he means the world to me.  we haven't talked in a long time.  i'm afraid i've pissed him off, or worse, hurt him somehow.  i hope i can get things fixed up with him.

i got another cool email tonight.  i'm really happy about this!  i can't wait to write back, hopefully tomorrow.  i think i will have to make a rule about talking about emails in my journal.  i don't want to hurt anyone by leaving them out if they email me.  and, i don't want to hurt anyone by saying something about an email that they sent me.  i'll think about this...

i think i need to go to bed.  i want to read the last two chapters of the novel i'm reading.  it is really good.  it has made me cry already and i'm not to the end yet.  when i'm done i'll tell you a little about it :-)
peace
 

sunday, december 19, 1999
i got the greatest email the other day!  a  cool dude wrote to tell me what he thought of my page, and my journal.  he was really nice!  i really needed that after the two days i had been having.  it is so cool that someone would take time to write a letter that was so nice.  it made my day!  i'm still thinking about it actually :-)

i worked on my car today.  my heater core died on me and sprayed anti-freeze all over my window.  the guys in my family have always been taught how to work on our own cars.  cool because i probably saved myself about $100 by replacing it myself.  it didn't make for a great day, oh well.  work at the theatre was ok tonight.  last night it really sucked.  before i went to work i was watching football with a couple of friends.  they told me this story of how one of them got roped into going to see a movie with this other guy, just the two of them.  but what made it so funny, they said, was that the other guy was really "friendly".  then at the theatre some of the guys were looking at pictures on the net that were cartoon people having sex.  they came across one of two guys having sex, and of course you can just imagine what was said.  i couldn't walk away, that would have been too obvious.  so i just had to sit there and listen.  when this stuff happens i just want to scream at these guys.  i want to say "look at me, i'm gay, do you really hate me?... so stop being an ass."  but, it is also at these times when i realize i will never be able to be totally out.  not here anyway.

i'll work on my page this week, now that i don't have to work.  well, actually i work at the theatre on monday and wednesday, and maybe fill in for someone on tuesday.  so i may not get a lot done.  i'll try.

the cool dude who wrote the email i talked about earlier, he wrote something i really like.  i'll end with it tonight...
"remember, you are never truly alone"
peace
 

saturday, december 18, 1999
i know... it's been a few days.  sorry dude.  life has sucked for a few days.  that situation that was going on at work... well they eliminated my job this week.  i found out friday, and friday was my last day.  i want to tell the f*&#ing ymca where they can go, but i'll be nice.  anyway, i was going to leave soon.  that wasn't the biggest problem.  life, that's what i've been dealing with...

awhile back i got burned by someone.  it hurt a lot.  i swore to everything holy that i would never allow that to happen to me again.  from that time on my view of life has been, "trust no one".  i locked myself up and promised i would never open up again.  because, trusting means opening up, opening up means being vulnerable and being vulnerable means you will get burned.  i had this view of life for a long time.  when i came out to myself i started to back off.  i started to trust.  ... well, i've learned.  almost without exception everyone i've opened up to... everyone i've trusted, has hurt me, has burned me.  i think i've learned over the past month, in the last week, that you can't trust anyone.  at least not so much that you open up and become vulnerable.  people will burn you.  people who say they like you, will take off; people who say they will call, don't; people who say they will never leave, leave; people who say they will help you, mock you; people who say they care, really don't.

i'm not sure this has anything to do with being gay.  i guess it is just a lesson of life... trust no one.  if you do, you will get burned.  i knew that... i trusted anyway, and, i was burned and burned and burned.   i won't make the same mistake three times... at least i hope i won't.
peace
 

wednesday, december 15, 1999
today was the first day since i came out to myself that i hated being gay.  it is hard to put into words... i guess since i came out to myself i've been so happy that i could finally like myself and accept what i feel... that i never allowed real feelings about how life was really going to be.  i guess it is hard to explain.  even with all the problems i've had since coming out to myself i've always been happy that i've accepted i'm gay, happy to be gay i guess.  it just hit me today how very lonely and how very hard it is going to be living as a gay dude.

i was looking at my page some tonight... wow, i've got a lot of work to do on it.  i want to update my "about me" page.  update the coming out part.  i was thinking about my coming out today too.  one of my friends said that he slowed his coming out when his boyfriend left.  he said it was easier to say, "i'm gay, and happy with my boyfriend" than to say, "i'm gay and alone".  i never understood that... until now.  when there was someone i liked, and someone who said he liked me, i didn't care who knew i was gay.  i was ready to tell the whole world.  now... well, i'm not sure if i will ever tell anyone else.  i even thought maybe i should just find a girl (for some ungodly reason some of them find me cute) and live a lie.  i know that's not cool, but it is what i thought.  and, this journal is about what i am thinking and feeling.  right now i'm thinking i need a boyfriend :-)  from my lips to God's ears!
peace
 

tuesday, december 14, 1999
i'm really tired and don't feel like writing, but, here i am :-)
i mailed my friend his christmas present today.  i have wanted to get this certain present for him for awhile.  i got it way before he stopped talking to me.  i decided to go ahead and give it to him.  i don't hate him, i never could do that.  i want him to have this gift.  he probably won't even open the package...  tomorrow i'll call and leave a short message telling him i am going to email on last time to say good bye.  then i'll email... and that will be it.  wow... it is just hard to imagine someone i spent so much time thinking about and talking to, is gone.  after i email tomorrow i think i should take his picture off my desk top, get rid of all his pictures, take the clock off my wall that has his time on it, and get rid of his address and phone number.  he gave them to me in trust... clearly he doesn't trust me anymore, so i shouldn't have them.  it will be a good day, and a bad day.  i need to do this, so doing it is good.  i don't want to say good bye,  that will be very hard, and very bad.

today i keep thinking of one of my close friends.  i haven't talked with him for over a month it seems. i mean really talked, you know.  actually i've only seen him once during the past month. we didn't talk much when we were together.  he was tired and we had other things to do (hey!  no, not that!  he's straight anyway dude!).  he emailed about a week and a half or two weeks ago.  i haven't heard anything else.  i don't know what sup.  maybe i pissed him off.  i seem to be able to do that without knowing it.  i just can't believe he would stop talking to me... of course i wouldn't have believed my other friend would have just stopped talking to me either.  this friend has been really, really busy.  maybe that is it.  how long does it take to pick up the phone and say "hi, i'm alive."?
peace
 

monday, december 13, 1999
the book i've been reading is really good so far.  i can't put it down, but i don't want to read it all at once :-)

"Perhaps it was better if you never contacted me again, for surely, after a week of separation, you'd clear out of my system like an airborne malady and my emotional temperature would drop to normal."
   "Nevertheless, I barely slept that night.  At some point midway between midnight and dawn, I woke up and saw the red 0 on my answering machine.  A red zero on an answering machine is like an infinite ellipse of loneliness."
-Nightswimmer by Joseph Olshan
 

sunday, december 12, 1999
it has been a busy weekend as usual.  i've worked all weekend.  i'm learning to run the movie projectors at the theatre.  that's cool, but it's a lot to learn!  i've started to read a new book i bought this weekend, it is called "nightswimmer".  so far it is really good.  i worked on my adrian grenier page today.  hopefully when i have vacation in a few weeks i'll have some major changes for my page.

my thoughts all weekend keep being about how lonely i feel being gay.  i wonder if all gay guys feel so alone.  huh, i sometimes wonder if there are any other gay guys...  i think i'll go read a chapter in my book before i go to bed.
peace
 

friday, december 10, 1999
today has been a really good day!  so cool!  i needed a good day, it's been awhile :-)
so... i slept in (skipped work, woo hoo!) then i went shopping!  i went to the borders bookstore.  that is such a cool place, so many books.  i ordered two books that a friend of mine said i should read.  that's cool because i haven't been able to find them.  i picked up a gay novel and the new freshman mag.  if the novel is any good i'll let you know... of course we all know the freshman mag is good ;-)  you know borders had 6 book cases full of gay and lesbian fiction and non-fiction.  i don't mean six little cases either.  i bet there were 25 shelves of gay books!  cool!

well, that was it.  i came home and i'm ready for bed... not!  ok, i know i said last night that i was going to let craig make the next move, but i have no will power.  i went to the mall before i went to borders, he wasn't there.  so after i went to borders i went back to the mall.  i went to check on the time at the watch booth (i never wear a watch).  on my way back down the hall i saw craig walking towards the doors.  by the time i caught him we were outside so he asked if i wanted to ride in his car as he moved it.  cool!  so we drove and talked a little.  then we walked in the mall and talked a little.  ok, are you ready?  ok... he called me CUTE!  yea, he really did!  i tried to act cool about it, don't know if i did.   he said "so, what you been up to?  looking cute."  that was really cool!  if you've been reading this journal you know i've not been feeling too cool the last few weeks, so having craig say i'm cute was really good.  so we talked some more, talked about our schedules... and found out we wouldn't be able to do anything together this weekend because of our work.  damn.  he had a trip that took him by my house on sunday, he said maybe he could stop and we could have lunch or something.  i came home and have been working to get someone to switch hours with me at the theatre, a cool guy traded with me (thanks dustin!)  now craig gets off at 7 and i get off at 8 tomorrow,  so maybe we will do something.  cool!  i'll call him tomorrow before i go to work.  this was all so cool!  and... he said some things that made it clear to me that he is gay, he knows i am gay, and he knows i know he is gay.  cool!  wow, i'm so glad something good has happened in my life... i was worried i was doomed to be a loser.

of course i've thought about my other friend... but you know what?  i haven't visited his page for over a week!  that is good because i use to visit it a lot.  i use to read his journal all the time.  i guess that is part of getting over what he did to me.  i still miss his friendship.

i've got to be up early for work tomorrow, so i'll go to bed early tonight.  i'll let you know what happens... :-)
peace
 

thursday, december 9, 1999
when i first realized i was gay, i really thought there would be a lot of gay guys for me to get to know and hang with... and date.  well, besides the wonderful friends i've met on the web (thank god for the internet!), i've only seen one guy that i knew was gay.  it was the other day at the mall.  he came walking by with a gay t-shirt (flame boy is what it said) and he had about 12 pride stickers on his back pack.  it would be cool to be that strong.  but, anyway, he is the only guy i've seen since i came out that i knew was gay.  oh sure, there are a lot of guys i think might be gay, some i wish were gay and one i hope is gay.  but, i only know for sure about that one dude who was bravely walking around the mall with his back pack and t (dude, you are cool!).  i wonder how gay dudes ever meet.

today was not too bad of a day.  of course i thought about my friend.  i also decided what week to take my vacation on, the last week of the year.  i haven't heard from craig.  i feel like i might just let him go... i mean let him make the next move.  he has my number if he wants to call.  sometimes i am very confused about him.  at times he comes running out the store to talk to me when i'm walking in the mall, at other times it is like he hardly remembers who i am.  after what my other friend has done, i don't want to get in a bad situation again.

i went to see "music of my heart" tonight.  it is a really good movie.  everyone should go see it.  i have tomorrow off work.  i might work on my page.  i want to change the "about me" page to include more of an area about my coming out.  maybe i'll hit the boarders bookstore and see what they have.  cool!
peace
 

wednesday, december 8, 1999
some days i feel like i'm all alone.  i wonder if i will ever meet another gay dude.

thought about my friend today, about how much i miss him.  will the day come when i don't think about him?  no, it won't.  i've thought about craig too.  i've always thought he was cute.  since my friend i liked has bailed on me, i guess it is ok to talk to craig.  it just doesn't feel right.  but, it is clear my friend is never going to talk to me again, so should i let craig slip by?  of course i also am afraid that the same thing that happened with my friend will happen with craig.  with what happened with my friend, i know now that i have no clue about guys, about liking someone, about what to do to let someone know you like them.

i went to see "anywhere but here" tonight.  it is a good movie.  i liked it a lot.  it was kinda depressing for me though.  it was about a girl and her mom.  they move from the midwest to california, LA to be exact.  the girl really misses her best friend.  he comes to visit once, then he dies in an accident.  the girl spends her life trying to find her place, trying to find where she will be happy.  it made me think a lot about my life...
"i will never leave... never leave you behind."
peace
 

tuesday, december 7, 1999
today was a better day.  i think the best day i've had for awhile.  nothing really good happened.  i was just able to not think about my friend who bailed on me.  well, i mean i was able to not think about him constantly.  i still thought about him.  it will take awhile.  i really miss him.  he was the only good friend that i could spend hours talking to about being gay.  since i've just come out, talking to someone who's been through it really helped.  now he's gone.
why ami?  why?

with all that has happened i feel like pushing away from the guy at the mall (ok, i'm finally going to say his name.  "guy at the mall" is getting lame).  i am just afraid if i try to build a friendship with craig (yes, he has the same name as me!  is this an omen?), he will bail like my other friend.  i think he likes me, but i really don't even know if he is gay.  i don't want to mess up again.  and of course, the friend i've lost is always at the back of my mind, and that just isn't fair to craig, no matter what.  and... i still plan to move soon.  what if something happens with craig?  i don't want to leave if something happens, but i want to leave.  my decision about leaving will have to happen soon.  oh me, oh life...
peace

monday, december 6, 1999
i went to the mall on sunday.  i just wanted to see my friend there.  i was feeling very bad.  well, he wasn't there.  he was suppose to be.  i did some christmas shopping and did one of my favorite things... sat and watched people.  that made me feel a lot better.  i worked until late that night at the theatre.  i got to see most of "end of days"  it is a cool flick.

as the day ended i realized i would never again hear from my friend.  i won't say his name, he wouldn't want me to.  he has hurt me an awful lot.  the worst thing is, i don't know why.  but, he is gone.  i'll send a good bye email this week.  it will be hard.  i hope he reads it.  i will really miss him.

i went to the mall today to see the guy there.  i don't want to say his name yet.  i'll be very cautious with him.  after what has just happened, how else can i be?  i have a weeks vacation i have to take before the end of the year.  i don't have anything to do so i asked him if he wanted to do something.  he said he did.  he would check when he had to work, then i will know when to take the vacation.  he was really sick today.  he has the flu.  that is why he wasn't at work sunday.  i didn't talk to him too long, because he was sick and had some stuff he had to get done.  i don't know about him.  sometimes i think he is so interested in me, and then other times i think he isn't even gay.  i know this.  i will go so very slow.  painfully slow.

hey, i'm finally doing my update tonight, now november will be in the archive.  cool, i have an archive now!
peace
 

saturday, december 4, 1999
another long day in this painful existence.

do you know what i want?  i want to be loved.  i want to love.  i want to have friends that i can hang with.  that i can share life with.  that is all i want.  i don't want money, i don't want a big house or a nice car, i mean those things would be nice, but not as important as peace and happiness.

i have a friend who is very close to me, but i need to let him go.  there is someone i like a lot, who likes me, but now he refuses to talk to me and i don't know why.  work has been absolutely terrible.  i feel very empty and very alone.

sometimes i think all those people are right, i'm nothing but a worthless fag.
 

friday, december 3, 1999
i don't feel like writing much.  work... terrible again, love... terrible again, friends... terrible again, life... terrible again.
one maybe good thing... i had my first messages on my voice mail.  i think i know who it was.  they didn't leave a message, but i have a number.  it could be good.  or... the way things are going... not good.
life... no wonder gay guys have such high depression.
 

thursday, december 2, 1999
wow, i'm really tired, and it is only 10:30!  i certainly will be in bed before my normal 2:00 am tonight.  i finally took some pills to help me get some sleep last night.  i hate taking pills to sleep, but, it has been impossible to sleep lately.  so, i got a good solid 6 hours of sleep last night! cool!  no tossing and turning, and no thinking.

today was a really long day, and tomorrow will be exactly the same.  i was soooo busy all day.  i had only one break, for about an hour.  and i had to run some errands one time, the only two times i could slow down all day... and guess what happened as soon as i walked out the door each time?  my mind went directly to him.  no joke.  the mind is a strange and powerful thing.  that is why i think i would someday like to be a psychologist... to have a career of trying to understand people, and myself.   that would be a cool job.

hey, have i missed something?  i read the other night in one of my mags ""It's the end of the world as we know it, "  sings Michael Stipe, and perhaps now that he's tentatively stepped out of the closet (and it was such a well kept secret, too)..."  What?!  Michael Stipe is gay?  wow, that is cool!  he is great!  i can't believed i missed this.  man, i gotta pay attention.
time to sleep, or try...
peace
 

wednesday, december 1, 1999
i know, i know... it is a new month.  but i'm tired, and my damn real player just crashed my mac which means the journal entry i already had done is gone :-(  i'll make the "last month" file later.  much later probably.  the next four days will be really long.  i'll be working 12 hours each day.  hey... at least it will keep me from thinking!

today was a little better.  i haven't heard from my friend.  but, i'm starting to accept that what ever will be, will be.  i figure if i don't hear from him by the end of the week, i will know...

i watched my first "free" movie tonight.  i saw "the bone collector".  it was good, not great, but ok.
i haven't talked to jakob for over a week.  that is a long time.  oh well, that is ok.  i am use to going it alone.  i think that if you are gay you have to be able to go it alone.  i know there are a lot of people out there to help us, and we help each other a lot.  it just seems no matter how many friends you have, there are going to be times that you have to go it alone.
i've been doing some surfing... planning my future you know.  last year i went to london and i fell in love with it.  i've always wanted to go back.  so, i'm checking out what i have to do to live there.  it doesn't look like it will be too hard to move there.  cool.

i watched another movie tonight "love and human remains"...yea, i'm an indy movie freak :o).  it was a good movie.  hey, any movie where 3/4 of the characters are gay has got to be a good movie!  the movie had a song in it that keeps going through my head...
wise men say
only fools rush it
but i can't help
falling in love with you
like a river flows into the sea
so it goes, some things where meant to be
i can't help falling in love with you

it's always been one of my fav's
peace