tuesday, november 30, 1999
is this what it means to be gay?  to be down, sad, on a roller coaster all the time.  i hope not.

i still feel terrible.  i've a cold.  i didn't sleep very much at all last night.  i'm down.  today life just wasn't even worth living.  one of the few days when i really didn't care if i had life or not.  now, chill dude, i wouldn't think of stopping my life... this ride, even at its worst points (right now!) is still a cool ride, and it has a long way to go.  i wonder what will happen next?  major changes?  yea probably.  trying to stop feeling for someone who won't accept what he feels for me?  yea, if i have to.  i'll try, i won't succeed it, but i'll try.  i won't seek him out if he doesn't want me to, so i may have to say goodbye.  that will hurt more than i can imagine.  but i won't think of that now, i'll still hold out hope.  i called and left a message with him today.  several actually, since i kept getting cut off by voice mail.  i wanted to tell him i missed him.  that i needed to hear from him.  i hope he says something to me.  if i lost everything, even our friendship, that would be.... sigh.

well, this is what my every free conscious moment has been thinking about for the last... however long, days, weeks...  kinda pathetic huh?  maybe.  but i've never been so happy as when he said he liked me.  i would give anything to have that back.  oh me, oh life...
Oh me Oh life of the questions of these reoccurring
of the endless trains of the faithless
of cities filled with the foolish
what good amid these oh me, oh life?
Answer, that you are here,
that life, life exist and identity
that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse,
that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse
What will your verse be?

i'm sad... i've a broken heart... i'm still discovering my verse... i wish the guy in my dreams was discovering it with me...
 

monday, november 29, 1999
you know the times when you just know life can't get much worse?  why the hell can't that ever be true?

today was a long day.  my regular work and my theatre job kept me going from 9:00 AM - Midnight.  then i came home and a good friend of mine who i haven't heard from for almost a week emailed.  i unloaded on him a little.  i guess because i'm feeling down from this weekend... and from not hearing from the guy i like for almost three weeks... and then my best friend, who i talk to about everything, doesn't say boo for almost a week.  it has just been a bad week.  so now it is almost 3:00 am.  i wrote that email to my friend, and then i checked on the page of the guy i like.  he keeps a diary too.  the thing that has kept me hoping that things can still work is that he hasn't updated his page.  that means he hasn't been online.  which is why he hasn't said anything, right?  right.  well, tonight his page is updated.

he promised he would never just stop talking to me.  if you only knew how much i miss him.  and now it seems he is avoiding me.  he has had a lot of problems.  i wish i could be with him.  but, i really care about him... the most important thing to me is that he is happy.  i'll deal with what ever i have to, as long as he is happy.

so is this the end?  do i give up on destiny?  do i give up on someone who might be my future?  do i give up on someone i really like?   do i give up on someone who i really believe likes me?  maybe.  and maybe i sit here in this god forsaken state all my life, come to die and realize i haven't lived.  no, damn it! no!  i refuse to give up!  he said he had feelings for me, i believe it!  i will not go through life wishing i had the balls to live!  i will not go through life like so many who sit on the sidelines and watch as a precious few live!  hell no!  i am going to live like today is my last day!  i am going to love this life.  if i have to, i'll fly to (damn, almost blew it!) ...where ever it is he lives and find him.  i will not let life pass me by!  i will not sit on the sidelines wishing i was in the game!  i will not!!!
 

sunday, november 28, 1999
finally... this weekend is over, thank god.  it has been a terrible weekend.  one thing i learned from everything that has happened this weekend... i thought when i accepted that i was gay, and started to come out my biggest problems were behind me.  now i know they are just beginning.  i'll take it one day at a time...

i'm still wondering about my friend.  i think about him a lot.  i hope i can make things work.  at least give them a chance to work out.  life is short, i've got to give this a chance.  i didn't hear from him again this weekend.  that means another week of hearing nothing.  hearing from him is important to me.  because i like him, and because sometime at the beginning of the year, i'm going to get on with my life... i'm going to move.  where i move is completely up to what my friend says.  if there is still a chance... i'll move closer to him.  if not i will probably move to california.  i got an email from a friend a few days ago.  i had asked him for advice about this guy i like.  he said to do what is right, do what will make me happy.  i will do that eggy, thanks!

one of my friends, tyson, has given me a list of books to help me in dealing with being gay, and being a christian.  i think i will have to go to amazon.com to find them.  i'll list them on the resources page soon.  i did find one book "coming out of shame, transforming gay and lesbian lives".  i'll check it out and tell you if it is any good.  hey, a cute guy was the clerk when i checked out at the bookstore.  he saw the book, and it didn't affect him at all!  as a matter of fact he smiled at me when i left.  cool!

i found a cool web sight tonight http://10percent.com  it is a gay sight full of gay stuff... posters, videos, cards, all kind of things.
peace

saturday, november 27, 1999
damn dude, i was really tired last night!  well, i guess that is what a journal is about, writing how you feel.  maybe i will have to start calling this a diary.  it did help to write.  i had a better day today.  i slept in for a whole 8 hours sleep, that's a lot for me!  i surfed a lot.  i went to see the guy at the mall, he wasn't working :o(  i sent a note with my sister yesterday.  she went shopping at the mall, and since i couldn't go because of work... she took a note to him.  it just said "smile, the day is almost over!".  i knew he was going to have a long day because of the big after thanksgiving shopping day.

i still haven't heard from my friend.  something is up.  he hasn't updated his page either.  i know him well enough to know that he will write when he can.  it is just hard to wait! :o)

the weekend has still been bad.  i have done nothing much.  i did get to scope out cute guys while working at the theatre.  and tonight i bought a mag i have never read before, "instinct".  it seems cool, i'll let you know.  i also bought a new ear ring.  it has tiny rings the colors of the rainbow on it.  i've always wanted to have a small sign of the colors.  i probably won't ever wear it, but i wanted to buy it.  cool!

one thing for sure about this weekend... it has made me sure that i am ready to be out of this place!
peace
 

friday, november 26, 1999
it is really late (about 4:00am), so i will make this short.  one reason is because i'm tired, the other is because when i'm tired i say things i would not normally have the balls to say, and since i have a rule that i will not go back and delete any journal entries... i better make this short, i think.

today sucked.  life sucks.  dude, i'm just tired.  tired of not having a boyfriend.  tired of my heart being broken.  tired of my heart wanting what i know it can't have.  i'm tired of all the sh*t life has been giving me.  i started work today at the theatre.  i got to hang in the projection booth, walk through any movie i wanted, i'll get to see free movies all the time.  all this should make a movie freak... freak.  but it doesn't, i'm too sad (i hate the word depressed, it is so cold).  i'm still living in a place i don't want to live.  i'm still missing someone i know i will never be able to have.  i spent thanksgiving alone.  the guy i was hoping to hang out with never called.  i put my web page up when i did to remember matthew shepard, and to get emails.  i still haven't gotten one email from my page.  only a few of you are actually reading my journal (thanks if you're reading this :o).  all of this stuff and there has still been only one thing on my mind all day... well, one person.
has anyone reading this every fallen for someone they knew they couldn't have?  how do you do it?  how do you live?
if you haven't figured it out yet, the friend i haven't heard from, and the guy i like, they are the same person.  there are some good possible reasons why i haven't heard from him in two weeks.  but the bad reason is the only one that keeps coming to my mind.  no details about all this.  maybe i'll write a story someday.  all i will say is that when i realized i was falling for him i emailed my friend jakob and said "i've done something really stupid.  something that is really going to hurt me.  i've let myself start to fall for someone i know i can't have."  well... i don't think it is impossible anymore.  i think i can have him... especially since he said he had feelings for me. but, two weeks is a long time... it is tearing me up.  not just this two weeks, but the whole thing.  i don't know what to do.  i don't know how much is too much, or how much isn't enough.  i don't know the right things to say or the things not to say.  and all this when i believe that to have any chance at all, i've got to do everything exactly right.  sigh..... what do i do?  when do i let go?  that is simple... i know now that my heart will never let go.  life may go on, but my heart is never going to let go.  right now, more than anything, i miss his friendship.  we were spending hours together.  love.  what is love anyway?  i wish i knew.  liking someone.  falling for someone.  it is hard.  real hard.  in the end it's gotta be worth it...
oh no... i just looked back at this entry.  see what i mean about saying too much when i'm tired?!  i've got to stop.
peace

thursday, november 25, 1999
without question this has been the worst thanksgiving i have ever had :-(
i woke up thinking the day would hold a lot of good things.  i would go to my grandma's for our annual thanksgiving lunch.  i would get a phone call to do something with the guy from the mall.  maybe get an email from my friend.  then, if i had time i would work on my page.  well... i got up, went to grandma's and instead of my entire family (aunts, uncles, cousins...around 30 people) there were five, my grandma, grandpa, mom, dad and an uncle.  grandma had decided not to have a thanksgiving dinner this year.  no one bothered to tell me.  so instead of a thanksgiving meal with family, i had left overs with a few people.  i came home after 45 minutes.  i've been working on my page and ... being bored since.  no phone call or email either.  i'm really tired of being alone.

i'm going to go read my xy.  i'll put my updates online.  it is really early (7:00pm ) i usually do my journal after midnight.  maybe i'll add some later.

well, it's later.  i don't plan on making a habit of doing two entries in a night, but since today sucks so bad, maybe it will make me feel better.

i watched titanic for the first time today.  i've never cried so much during a movie in my life.  i went down stairs a little while ago... even my parents our out doing something.  i'm completely by myself, and right now one of the saddest songs i've ever heard is playing on my cd, savage garden's "i don't know you anymore".  what a wonderful day.  it is days like this that push me to make decisions about life.  about getting out and living life.  that's cool.  if i can only get out and do it.  i hate feeling depressed.  i hope tomorrow will be better.  i think i'll go to bed, nothing else to do.  this will be my first night in bed before midnight in a long time.
peace
 

wednesday, november 24, 1999
woo hoo!  thanksgiving vacation!  i think that i will work on some changes for my web page tomorrow.  i've had over 200 visits (so way cool!) in my few days, but i haven't had any emails...hmm... i'll see what i can do to make it easier for you guys to email me.  i think i'll add a hit counter to the journal page too, just to see if anyone is actually reading this :o)

well, i haven't yet heard from my long lost friend, i wonder what is up...

i did go to the mall ;o)  yea he was there, woo hoo!  but... (sigh... so many "buts" in life ) i'm beginning to wonder if my "gaydar" is working.  i just learned i had it you know!  i'm not sure if he is gay.  sometimes he very much acts like it, but then he gives me reason to wonder.  i have no desire to get pounded, so...i'll be careful.  while he helped me pick out a pair of pants he told me how he would be spending thanksgiving alone.  wow.  so what did the ever quick craigers do?  nothing.  but of course God, having pity on me, he said it again.. a few times as a matter of fact, and each time i said... nothing.  i don't know why.  life is so confusing sometimes.  he is cute, and i like him but ... i like this other guy much more, and what if he isn't gay?  i guess that is everything that was going through my head when i said nothing.  i thought about it all the way home (the mall drive is 30 minutes).  i thought about the guy i like a lot.  you know... i get depressed when i think about that.  so that's how i was feeling.  i like to sing when i am in my car (because i won't scare anyone by actually doing it in public!).  i had the moffatts new cd "chapter I: a new beginning" playing.   the song "if life is so short" was on.  i was singing... "isn't it funny how time seems to slip away so fast.  One minute your happy, the other you're sad.  But if you give me one more change To show my love for you is true  I'll stand by your side your whole life through.  If life is so short why won't you let me love you.  before we run out of time.  If love is so strong why won't you take a chance before our time has gone.  if life is so short, if life is so short.  love is a word that explains how i feel for you.  and when you're in my arms, all my dreams come true.  And when you're not around  You can't hardly see  These tears that i'm crying noware for you to be with me   If life is so short why won't you let me love you...."  just when i hit "and when you're in my arms, all my dreams come true." i looked up and in the sky there was a rainbow.  not a drop of rain anywhere, but there was a rainbow.  well... that made me think for a long, long time.  i'm still thinking.  i can't give up.  not yet.

oh yea, by the way, i did take care of that "nothing" problem.  i called him a little while ago.  i told him i didn't want him to spend thanksgiving alone.  i told him to call me if he wanted to do something.  he said he would.
at the least, we can be friends.
 
 
 

tuesday, november 23, 1999
today has been a good day.  well, kinda good.  until i hear from my friend it won't be a "good" day.  anyway, i got a job at the local theatre today!  woo hoo!  i've always wanted to work in a theatre!  it will give me some extra cash too, cool!  i will have to go to the mall and get some dress clothes to wear.  i don't like dress clothes, but... i'll go to the store that has the cute guy!  so that will be cool!  and i think maybe he likes me?!  way cool!  way cool, except that i like someone else even more... oh me oh life!  and that "someone else" likes me too.  but i think i went to fast.  i'm afraid i've lost him.  to be honest (being truthful is the only way to be) that has been the constant thought on my mind for awhile.  sometimes i get really down about it.  then i psych myself up and say it is ok, i can make it work.  "Maybe it's intuition.  But some things you just don't question.  Like in your eyes i see my future in an instant.  And there it goes.  I think i've found my best friend.  I know that it might sound more than a little crazy, but i believe... I knew i loved you before i met you.  I think i dreamed you into life.  I knew i loved you before i met you.  I have been waiting my all my life." - savage garden "i knew i loved you".

is that possible?  is there fate?  destiny?  is there one person that is my match?  one person that fits me perfectly?  if so i think i met him, and maybe lost him.  that has been on my mind constantly.  i read something tonight, "like two pieces of a six billion piece jig saw puzzle, made to fit together perfectly"  i believe.  maybe that is my problem.  or... maybe it is what will bring me a lifetime of love...
 
 

monday, november 22, 1999
well... today was kinda... a monday ;-(  i don't think i will ever write much about what i do each day because... i have no social life!  mainly i guess i will write about what i feel or what i'm thinking.  today i've been feeling that love is a strange and hard thing to understand.  i think that there is nothing more important in life than love.  so... i think about it a lot.  i don't think i have ever been in love.  but... i'm not real sure what love is.  today i've listened to savage gardens new single "i knew i loved you" about a zillion times.  do you think it is possible to fall in love like that?  i've been thinking about it all day and i still don't know.  my heart says, "yes".  my minds says, "are you crazy?"  i spent some time tonight chatting with jakob.  he is my best friend.  he always seems to be able to make me feel better.  he is so cool!  i am so lucky to have such a great friend.  now if i can just get him straightened out about his sexuality! :o)  i know, he didn't choose to be straight anymore than i chose to be gay... poor guy ;-)

i've read some of one of my mags "the advocate".  it's a gay and lesbian news mag.  i don't buy it very often, but sometimes i like to read what is going on.  it was so cool to read that a guy here in america is going to make a show very similar to the british series "Queer as Folk"!  i'm freaken about that!  i can't wait!  and then i found out that the bill in california that bans harassment of students and teachers based on sexual orientation was signed into law!  woo hoo!  i thought that bill was dead, but it made it!  things are changing i think!  that is so way cool!  thanks gov davis for having the balls to sign it!
 
 

sunday, november 21, 1999
wow, my first journal entry!  so cool!  i really didn't think i would be doing an online journal for awhile.  i was surprised by how many people have visited my page in the first few days.  i feel kinda bad because i don't have much on it yet, so... i'm doing the journal!  i'll try to write everyday, but i can't promise!  i am going to be true with this journal.  in other words if i say it happened, it happened.  there is no other way to live than to be true.

ok, so today has been a little busy.  i had a family thanksgiving (ughhh! family at the holidays!).  i spent the morning thinking about a friend that i haven't heard from for over a week.  a week is not a big deal, but he is a good friend and we usually have emails or chats  3 or 4 times a week.  while thinking about him, i was watching the movie "everafter".  that movie is one of my favs!  so i did a lot of thinking, about me, about my future and where i am going to spend it (i'm really ready to be out of indiana!).  i think i've made some decisions.  cool!  i have been watching the europe music awards.  it is so cool to see stephen up there with boyzone!