friday, july 27   2001
what a long day at work.  yuck!
i know i haven't written much lately dude.  i spend most of my time at work or talking to michael.
he is so nice.  so wonderful to me.
i get worried.  i wait for the other shoe to drop.  i wait for that last phone call or that final email.  i wait for him to just take off.  just like pascal... and rony... and craig... and the son of evil.
i won't... can't even start a new file in my email for him, so i can put all of the emails he sends me.  every time i've done it in the past... it was shortly after that... that the guys left.  now i'm too scared to start one for the boi who has my heart.
i'm not moaning or having self pity.  not a bit.  i'm just scared to get too close.  scared that when i do (if i haven't already) i will get hurt because he will be gone.
i don't know what i want.  you know? i don't want some proof, some words from him.  i've had that from others.  they lied, and now make words irrelevant.  i guess the only thing that can happen is showing me.  action.  maybe that will put my mind at ease?  i'm not sure.
i just know that i'm in love.  and that i'm so afraid of losing that love.

i don't even know how it  has happened.  i use the "L" word so very little.  i've been down enough roads to know you don't say it on a whim.  and i don't.
michael has just... swept me off of my feet.  he has made me feel like i have never felt before.  there are no words to describe what i'm like when he calls.  what i feel when i think of him.
i'm lost in him.  and i'm afraid that soon i'll be made to wake up from this dream.
i just love him so much.
 
 

sunday, july 22   2001
what's with the every sunday thing dude?  i don't know.  sorry, i'll do better.  but i have been busy...
i have a boyfriend.  I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!
woo hoo!  WOO HOO!!  WOO HOO!!!
i'm so happy!
he is simply amazing.  he is beautiful, sweet, loving and kind.  he makes me think i'm living in a dream.  he is like no one i've ever met.  he makes me feel like no one has ever made me feel.
he makes me think i've maybe found my one in a million.  my "one".
i think that can happen.  i think it does happen.  to have one person, one in a million, who is your match, your soul mate.  michael... i really think he could be my one.

but of course i worry.  i worry because it all seems like a dream.  i worry because i'm opening myself up, which means i can get my heart broken.  i worry because... i'm in love... it's like standing on the edge of a foggy cliff on the highest mountain.  i needed someone to push me.  jake was there as always and pushed me right into the arms of the boi who makes my palms sweet and my heart beat faster than i ever knew it could.
he makes me smile all day long.  he is my every thought.  he is all i talk about, all i dream about.  he makes me feel like the world can be conquered.  like i can climb any mountain, cross any valley, with him by my side.

it may be once in a life time that life gives you the opportunity to feel the way i feel now.  it may end tomorrow or it may last forever.  i know this... i'm going to enjoy it every minute of every day.  one day at a time... loving the boi i always dreamed of.
dreams do come true.
i love you michael.

i never thought i'd find someone like you
though in my every fantasy, i saw you every day
i thought there was no way to make my dream come true
i always thought that i would be alone
afraid to dream that anyone was ever going to see the love inside of me
but how could i have known

a trick of fate would bring us together
a trick of fate would alter our lives
we  had to wait... it seemed like forever
but never say never... to a trick of fate

what were the chances i'd be here with you
that after all the lonely years of searching everywhere
i'd turn and you'd be there
from clear out of the blue

our lives are in the hands of destiny
and though we try to take control
that's not the way it goes
a higher power knows how it's suppose to be

a trick of fate brought us together
a trick of fate altered our lives
we had to wait... it seemed like forever
but never say never ... to a trick of fate

and now something has begun
something very new
and suddenly the future's looking bright

somehow when two hearts beat as one
fairy tales come true
and anything seems possible tonight

a trick of fate brought us together
a trick of fate altered our lives
we had to wait ... it seemed like forever
but never say never... to a trick of fate

it just goes to show
that you never know
where love's gonna grow
it's a trick of fate
 
 
 
 

sunday, july 15   2001
hi dude.  it has been longer than i wanted.  almost a week :-(
i bought the film for my pictures.  i haven't taken any yet.  maybe i'll head downtown today, but i doubt it, i have a lot of things i want to get done today.  i skipped the men's beach volleyball tournament with mags.  i just need to save money.  i have a party this coming weekend.  i'm really looking forward to it!  i think i've might have made a new friend on the net, that's really cool.  oh, and my subscription to the advocate started arriving!  my first gay magazine!  woo hoo!  soon i'll start getting XY too.  that will be what i get with the last of my birthday money, subscription to XY and membership to HRC, the human rights campaign.
 

monday, july 9  2001
i watched "crazy beautiful" tonight.  what a wonderful movie.  "there are a million people out there.  but in the end it comes down to one."
it is an amazing love story.
you know what?  i want my one.  i just want to find him... to believe that he actually exist.
i'm tired of all the bullshit from friends... 'it takes time', 'don't be impatient', 'it will come when you aren't looking for it', 'stop bitching and just let it happen'.
i'm tired of being alone all the time...
yada, yada, yada... we've been there, done that.
sigh
i just want someone to...
i'm tired.  tired of wanting all the time.

tomorrow i'm going to take my birthday money and buy a bunch of film and walk around doing what i love, taking pictures.
good night dude.
 

sunday, july 8  2001
well... i didn't go to the party :-(  it's ok.  my friend who invited me was too tired to go.  so we skipped it and hung out here.  i passed up a free ticket to the blink 182 concert too... partly because of the party, and partly because the dude who offered thinks i like him... and since he is gay, i didn't want to get any wrong impressions going.  but i sure would have loved to have seen blink!
i spent the day being lazy.  i read the paper and watched tv and bought some flowers for the balcony... how gay am i?! lol!
i needed to rest today... my next day off (tuesday) will be spent at boystown  and looking for a second job, i hope.  so i needed to chill!
nothing much else has happened... oh, my cool friend tyboi from california has emailed me again.  that is really cool.  he played a major part in my coming out to myself.  i'll never forget that!
peace
 

friday, july  6  2001
hi dude... i'm back!
i know it has been a long time.  maybe my longest ever.  but the good thing is i'm back.
a lot has happened.  it took awhile after grandpa's accident before i even wanted to write.  then i got this chance to move and i had to deal with it.  then i moved...

when grandpa was killed... i didn't think i would make it.  i am very close to him.  he taught me sooo much.  i still miss him a lot.  i still cry sometimes... i'm crying now, just thinking about him.  i know it has been a few months, but i ... i can't hardly believe it is true.  time...
 

well, i'll skip the details for now, but i am living in chicago!
yea, i finally made it.  the company asked me to move three days after grandpa's accident.  i said "no".  they understood i was having trouble.  they gave me a few weeks.  then i came up here to see how it was.  i didn't plan on saying yes, but it was a really good experience.  so i said yes and two weeks later, i'm here.  it took two more weeks to get an apartment.  i have no clue how i'm going to pay for everything.  but dude... i'm here!  i live in the 'burbs.  i'm just off the toll way so it takes 20 minutes to 2 hours depending on traffic, to get downtown.

i've been to two parities, a pride parade, gay clubs, a punk concert, a street festival, coffee houses... all in a month.  i'm at home very rarely (this is a rare night home alone so far...) which is great.

i've made some cool friends.  maggie (mags) is everything i have in my mind that katie is like.  adam is a screwball and really fun to be around.  sarah is funny and nice... and learning a lot i think (about being around gay guys).  chris is really cool.  aubrey is... aubrey!  they are all cool, and i'm sure i'll have more friends soon!

i've met (really... seen) a couple of cute gay guys at some of the parties i've been to.  but... i'm still not confident enough in myself and how i look to try and talk to anyone let alone ask them out or anything.  but i'm sure i'll get there.  actually... i was about to ask one of them out.  he seemed to be a really nice guy... but i was waylaid by the words from one of my friends.  there was me to the words than i knew at the time.  safe to say... i thought the words meant this dude didn't like me.  but there were other issues.  i learned that too late.  i mean too late for me.  i put him out of my mind.

then there was this other dude at the most recent party.  tony was his name.  very pretty eyes.  and wow, nice butt!  i mean really nice.
i'm just not confident enough to walk up to someone unless i have at least some idea they like me.  adam's boyfriend tried to talk me into talking to tony.  he (paul) is a nice guy.  with what adam says about him, he is a great guy.  he was really nice to me.  i almost felt enough confidence to talk to tony... but nope.  actually... i was thinking that if i was staying the night at the party (drinking you know, so many did.  i had to work the next morning, so i stopped drinking early so i could get home) i would have tracked him down and at least talked to him.

well... more to come on my great chicago odyssey!  for now i am going to watch a little telle and hit the sack.  i have to open the theater in the morning.  that's bad.  but the good news is i have the night off and sunday off, so i can be up late!  i'm not sure what i'll do.  boystown may be in the picture. :-)

live from the windy city!
peace and
WOO HOO!