sunday, september 30  2001
hi dude.
next weekend there is a march i hope to go to.  it is an anti gay bashing march.  maybe i'll even meet some friends.  that would be great.

i think about 'm' all the time it seems.  i can't believe that on the 13 (i'm writing this in the wee hours of october's first day) we will have known each other three months.  amazing to me.  special as well because on the 13th of this month i will celebrate being out for two years.  i can't even believe it.  i still struggle and still have much to learn.  but i have never been so happy.  every time i hear his voice i smile.  i dream about walking on the beach holding his hand.  i don't know what is meant to be, but right now i'm so very happy.  he will be here the 22nd for a week and there is the very good possibility that i'll be able to go and visit him often.  life is good.
i'm still looking for a job.  i have to find more money soon or i'll be in trouble.  but with 'm' in my life feel like i have the brightest future and i can conquer anything.  is that what love does? : )

i also had a really good talk with a friend tonight.  well a chat anyway.  he gave me closer about an old friend... rony.  it seems rony decided he was done with me.  i guess i provided the help he needed and he was ready to walk away.  i have two feelings about this, joy that i can finally put this to rest and the feeling of being used.  the thing that will not leave my mind right now is rony's very first email.  it went something like this (yes i have it saved, but i won't be looking at it)... "i need some help coming out.  i saw your page, so i guess you'll do."  i laughed when i read that.  i guess i shouldn't have.  i helped him and he moved on.  that is not what friends do, nor what friends are for (to be used) so it is very hard for me to think that we were ever friends.  and yet i remember many wonderful phone calls, chats and emails.  i'll never know why he used me like that.  i'm glad i could help him i guess.  and i'll keep the good memories of what i thought was one of the most important and closest friendships i've had.  and what i will learn from this is that you must trust yourself and only yourself.  what you want from this life will be gained only when you decided to do it for yourself.  and finally, that rony was exactly what he always promised he wasn't... just like so many others who use and walk away.
i don't know if you read this any more rony.  i doubt you do.  but if you do this is for you... we had a great friendship.  i am a great guy and i was a wonderful friend to you.  you will never have another friend like me.  too bad you saw fit to toss that in the trash just to satisfy what ever selfish need you had/have.  you know what rony?  i don't care any more.  i use to, but i'm done.  and i'm not the least bit bitter or upset.  you aren't worth that.  not if you could just toss our friendship like you did.  so finally i say what i could never bring myself to say up to this point... good bye.  i'll be sending you a final email with all your pictures and stuff.  i don't want them anymore.  you are my past and i have way to much of a bright future to dwell on you.  for all the good memories and lessons learned,  i say thank you.  for being used and hurt i say good riddance to you rony.
so once and for all old friend, good bye.

and to you blu... i love you with all my heart.  you are my everything.  i love you so much.  thank you for making my life so happy and full of wonder.  hand in hand we will conquer all.  i love you blu.
 

wednesday, september 26   2001
wow, a lot has happened.  i'm sure i'll never be the same after watching those jets slam into the world trade center towers.  and i'm sure of my fear when george bush was handed the presidency.  we will suffer like we never thought, from having an imbecile as are commander in chief.

i'm doing fairly well dude.  i'm still looking for a new job... i must.  i'm also looking at trying to get a part time job to help out.  what ever i must do.  all i want in this world is to hold "M's" hand and walk along the golden beaches of california.  that is my bliss.  that is my dream.  i'll work as hard as i can to reach that goal.  what ever it takes, because just imaging it makes me as happy as i've ever been.  as i fall asleep, my days final thoughts are of walking hand in hand with him.  when i wake, my first vision is of this amazing man.
 

tuesday, september  4   2001
i'm not sure that i've ever been this happy.  i've come through a lot.  i have much yet to endure.  i've found someone who makes me feel love like i only thought fairy tales told.  he is in the clouds, and i'm reaching for him.  one day i'll know if this tale is to be.

life is not a bliss.  i have learned.
it is a hard journey.  full of pain, fear, re-birth, lost friends, lost innocence.
that is the price of our wars.
but... when we do not choose them, when they are laid upon us, we must carry on.
finding solace in our dreams.  of life yet lived.  of the peace of days gone by.

dreams filter the pain of the past.
they weave the good with imagination
and bring memories to life and hope for tomorrow.
all in our dreams
created by our dream weavers.

he who does not make us dream, but gives us hope and inspiration
he who lights our world so that we feel free to dream.
and in so doing, gently weaves like silk, truth with fiction... to bring happiness.

to each  i pray, our dream weavers we find.
through this fog of life i have found mine.
the  gentle weaver of my dreams.