sunday, december 31   2000
new year's eve.  wow, another year gone by.  how fast time can fly.
what a year it has been.  i remember this time last year i had just come out to my first relative, my sister.
mostly i guess it has been a year of discovery and understanding.  as my best friend, jacob told me tonight, "you are yourself now...".  he is right, i'm finally me.  now i've just got to learn how to live as me.  one step at a time.  sometimes i feel like it is one step forward, two steps back.  but, there have been those days when i feel like i take a giant leap forward.
~sigh~ the life of a gay guy coming out.  learning to accept yourself.  learning to understand who you are.  learning how to live with yourself.  learning how to live in your new world.  and oh yea, somehow doing all the "other" things you have to do just to survive.
i guess all in all, i'm proud.  jacob reminded me the other night of how much i've come through and how proud i should be that i've made it this far.  i think he is right.
i will survive.
and one day i'll find my place.

as for new years celebrations for me, nope.  i spent the night working.  i wasn't scheduled, but i switched with someone so they could have the night off.  i didn't have anything to do.  yea, my boy friend broke up with me.  which is ok, because it was the right thing to do, it really was.  it hurt like hell at first, mostly because i was scared for him, but i really missed him  too.  it's just that...  he wasn't ready, and to be honest i'm not sure i was either.  so now we are friends.  hopefully we'll get to be good friends.

so, what will this new year bring?  i hope happiness dude.  lasting happiness...  my place in this world...  success...  peace...  friendship...  love...
yes, that is my wish for the new year, for me and for all those dear to me.
good bye 2000
bring on 2001 a gay odyssey
 
 

tuesday, december 26   2000 (2:07 a.m. wed)
i'm so happy.
my boyfriend gave me the most amazing christmas gift i think i've ever received.  it is just... wow.
i'm not certain if i've ever been so happy, so excited, so in love with life.  he motivates me to live.  to move on.  to be me.  i'm so happy, and...
i'm so scared.
 

saturday, december 23   2000  (1:25 a.m. sunday)
tomorrow's christmas eve.  wow.  i can not believe it.
i remember last year, it was hard not having anyone.  it is really nice having someone to care about this year.  someone to think about and give to.  i won't be able to spend much time with him, but i have him, and that makes me happy.

it is times like this (christmas, new year) that i do a lot of reflecting on life and human kind.  i'll save that for later.  but one thing that has been on my mind since i ended my chat with my boyfriend a few minutes ago... i think it was brought on by the christmas music i'm listening to... what is on my mind is a saying from a really good movie, "what if this is as good as it gets?"
i think about my life.  all that i hoped for.  past christmases.  when i was a child sitting by the christmas tree at grandma's, eagerly waiting my presents to be passed to me, is this what i wished for my life?  is this what i thought i would be?  as i grew up, each year, just a little more, was this the point?  did i do all i did, learning and living, just to get to this?  i'm gay.  i've achieved nothing, done nothing.  i finally have a boyfriend to hold and be happy with.  a boy i never in my life thought i would hold.  is this it then?  is this as good as it gets?
maybe.  if it is, i can handle that.  i'm happy.
i've got a lot yet to learn in this life.  a lot yet to do.  if this is as good as it gets i'll be happy with my life.  and that... that isn't something i've been able to say in quite a few christmases.
 

friday, december 22   2000 (part two) 4:10a.m. (saturday)
i'm glad i worked tonight.  it helped my mind... yea right.  but, by the end of the night i was pretty happy.
i had a lot of time to think tonight.  i tried to stay busy so i wouldn't think, but it didn't work very well.

i think about life a lot.  what is it about?  why do we do what we do?  is it emotions?  longings?  desire?  human nature?
can you really be attracted to someone?  fall in love?  find a special someone?   the "one"?
can we ever be truly happy?  is there always the ying yang?
do we find happiness or do we make it?
with all the heart ache, why do we even try?
when we see happiness and know the things we must accept so that it can grow, why do we let those things hurt us?
why do some people have so much control over our lives?  because we open up?  because we choose to be a part and not hide in a corner of the library?

i often wonder if i will one day find my self starring face to face with all that i've ever wanted, love, only to realize that i must give it up, because it is not possible...  fate won't allow.
do we have control?  or is it destiny?  is destiny a good thing?  or is it the simple, same road i've been traveling... to hell  and back... so often?
sometimes i fear i may get what i want, only to realize i can't have it.
oh me, oh life...

Oh me Oh life of the questions of these recurring
of the endless trains of the faithless
of cities filled with the foolish
what good amid these oh me, oh life?
Answer, that you are here,
that life life exist and identity
that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse,
that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse
What will your verse be?

i don't know... i just don't know.  will my verse be wrapped in sadness, hidden guilt, pain and fear?  or will happiness finally rise over the horizon, never to disappear until the day i leave this earth?
oh me, oh life...
 
 
 

friday, december 22   2000   12:30p.m.
wow, it has been awhile.
sorry dude.
so, i've been spending my time the last twenty days, telling someone "no, no, no... well ok yes."
i've got a boyfriend!  it feels wonderful!  woo hoo!
at first i was like, no dude, just forget it.  but he grew closer and closer to me, finally capturing me.  we've been doing things and talking for awhile.  yesterday, after a nice date, we decided we were close enough to be boyfriends.

he is something, i'll tell you dude.  i don't believe i've ever felt quite so happy as when i'm just sitting,  holding him, or he holding me.  it is an amazing feeling.  he is cute, very beautiful.  he has a wonderous personality.  he is just a pretty amazing guy.  and for right now, he is my guy :-)
i like to hold his hand when we are together.  to kiss his beautiful, precious lips.  to run my hands through his soft hair.  to gaze into his eyes and see in them and in their reflection, happiness like i could never express.

what an amazing thing this life can be.

but, alas... the ying and the yang...
he is not out.  so our time together is limited.  he is afraid of many of the same things i'm/was afraid of.  maybe i'm here just to help him get through?  maybe not.  oh me, oh life...
since he isn't out, he is very cautious about doing things with me.  he lives about 35 miles from me, in the fort.  that is cool, because it is close enough i get to see him, but far enough he can keep his closetness.  he works for a big company there.  it use to be head quartered there, but now they've moved.  he is still here, but for how long?  he isn't sure.  he may get moved, he may not.  he may move himself.
it is hard with him not being out, but i understand totally.  i've been there, done that.  it is hard as hell.  i guess since i've walked the path a few times, maybe i can help him.

this weekend kind of sucks.  it is christmas you know dude.  a time to be thinking about those close to you.  well, tomorrow his company has some big christmas thing.  a really nice dinner, entertainment and dancing.  a wonderful thing indeed.  but he feels like, to keep his cover, he has to ask this lady at his office.  i guess she has been after him for awhile.  he was going to go alone (he has to go, you know... company paid for it, blah, blah, blah...) but when some people started with rumors, he asked this lady.  i guess she is really nice and cute.  but it doesn't change the fact i wish i could be there.  it doesn't change the fact i know he wishes i could be there.

well, that is this life, isn't it?  full of the ying and the yang.  i get to hold him, but i can't tell anyone.  i get a boyfriend, but i can't do things with him.  oh me, oh life...
but one thing is for sure... he kisses soooooooooo well! :-)
one day at a time, that is the way this world goes, and that is how we shall survive.  and survive we shall!
 
 
 

sunday, december 3   2000
it has been awhile since i've written.  the major reason is, i'm trying to figure out what this page means to me now.  i think i've made it past what it was originally for... in my terms anyway.  so now i just need to figure out what is next, or if i'm really where i think i'm at.

so, for now Queer As Folk!!!
wow, what a show.  what a show!  everyone should see this show.  amazing, just amazing!
i'm so happy that showtime has finally made a show about us.  it is really cool.  it means a lot.  the characters are great, the story is wonderful.  i hope the show has a big impact.  i really do.

so...
let me see... i'm trying to figure out my life... still :-/
seeing this show reminds me of how very much i want out of this place.  how i want to go to a place with people like me.

it seems people have a hard time accepting who they are.  i've two friends right now who i'm trying to help.  it seems they just can't deal with who they really are.  too bad... you miss so much of life, and go through so much pain, when you play hide and seek.  i wonder why we need to hide so much.  God knows i've done it, we all have.  i'm so glad i'm me.  it makes some things so much easier.
i wish i could help my friends more, finding yourself... accepting yourself is something you have to do... yourself.  i can be with them, help them... but i can't do for them what they must do for themselves.
peace