monday, december 31   2001
i called ryan on friday.  i had the night off and i was thinking of heading to boystown.  actually,  i wasn't going to call him.  he never answers his messages.  but maggie said i should.  he was having a bad Christmas break.  so i did.  and left a message.  he called back right away.  i asked him if he wanted to go.  he was on his way back to dekalb to spend some time with his roommate, so he couldn't.  he asked what i was doing on new years eve.  he talked about a couple of clubs, but would rather go to maggies.  i told him i would see if i could get off of work.  he asked me to call him back, because his phone was cutting out.  i did, and left a message.  he was having to much fun with friends to get back to me.  i called him again yesterday.  i left a message to let him know i got off of work.  he called back and we talked some.  he was having a rough time it seemed.  someone had died.  work wasn't the best.  he was having a hard time with being at home for christmas break because his parents don't know he is gay.  there are all the questions about why he doesn't have a girlfriend, and when is he getting married.  he said he was depressed.  then we talked about love life.  he said he would meet me at maggies.  he had one other party to go to, but he wasn't sure about it because he hadn't seen or talked to them in a long time.  i really wanted to ask him if he wanted to do something before the party.  he sounded so down.  but he talked about the things he had to do, and he was ready to end the call because he had to call another friend.  so i didn't ask him.
ryan killed himself today.
i feel numb.
i feel this giant void.
he was so nice.  so kind.  always so happy.
i can't believe he is gone.
i can't believe he killed himself.
i think about what i could have done.
i think about how much i miss him.
my mind can't accept it.  i think and wonder and look at his picture... i cry... and my mind says 'no, it isn't so.  any minute he will call.  any minute he will walk through the door.'
i heard the door creek several times at maggies.  each time i looked at it, totally expecting ryan to come walking through.
he never did.

i found my pills as soon as i came home.  i flushed them.
i know the pain that makes someone think that killing themselves is the only answer.  if it wasn't for jake, i would be with ryan right now.  i just wish i could have helped him.  taken away some of the pain.
part of our last conversation was about how hard it was for him to be home and deal with parents and family asking about girlfriends and marriage.  the same thing happened to me over christmas.  i won't let it happen again.  i think i'm going to go home and tell them.  a fitting memory to a good friend.

i'll miss you ryan.
your smile
your silly grin
your kind heart
your sweet words
your loving voice
the happiness that spread to everyone around
i wish we had done more.
i wish we had stopped playing games, and went out on a date
i wish i spent more time with you
i cherish every moment now
one day, over there where you've decided to go, well have more time
i'm sorry i wasn't a better friend
i'm sorry i wasn't there for you
i will miss you
i love you
 
 

saturday, december 22   2001
well, this is it.  my last entry before i go home for christmas.  i did some more last minute shopping with sarah tonight.  a couple more things then i'm done.  i'll most likely get them in indiana.
i've got to get to bed.  i have to pack the car tomorrow morning, get to work, then drive home right after work.  it will ne nice to see ness.  i miss her so much.
the job things... one fell through today.  so that leaves one.  we'll see what happens.  i've decided that if i don't have something by the end of january i'm going to go home.  i don't have much of a choice.  i have to find a way to pay my bills! : )
live has been soooooo busy this week.  i look forward to things slowing down while i'm at home.  i'll miss my internet!  i'll have to take my book with me.  well, i must get to bed.  more to write, but it will have to wait.  talk about chris, sellie and friends, work, my friends...
well, merry christmas dude!  i was hoping that i would actually have a boi to share the holidays with this year.  it really takes something out of it for me... to not have someone like all my brother and sisters do.  ok... i must sleep.
good night and
merry christmas!
 

friday, december 21   2001
wow... it has been a busy week.  i've watched LOTR's twice and stayed late last night to be with friends.  with all the movie watching i've been at work for about 12 hours a day.  so no updates.  i come home and go to bed!
so... i'm so far behind on my christmas shopping.  hopefully it will be done tomorrow night... as i'm heading home sunday from work!  yay!  i'll be home for christmas eve and christmas.  i'll head back the day after christmas in the morning, as i work close that day.  i've gotten all my bois their presents (the ones i can get presents for.) so that makes me happy.  i couldn't get much, but there is something.  now i've got to finish with my family.  i wish i had money for my friends.
have i mentioned i'm in love the legolas?  yea... he is so.... oh my... everything he is just draws me to him.  i want to marry an elf.

i've finally gotten a couple of leads on jobs!  woo hoo!  this is good.  as i've decided that if, by mid january, i don't have a new job, i'm leaving.  i'll go home.  so i need to be tracking something down if i'm staying in chicago.
well, i must be off.  i have to open tomorrow, then go shopping and shopping and shopping.  then home to pack my car as i'm opening sunday too.
night dude.
 
 

monday, december 17   2001
i was at work, doing my normal thing when... an usher said to me, 'it's here'.  lord of the rings - the fellowship of the ring, had arrived.  i made a few calls to my old boss and new boss, who came over quickly.  i put it together as they finished paperwork.  and i watched... a movie i've waited almost my entire life for.
words can not begin to give justice.  how can you describe the greatest story ever told, when it is put before your very eyes?
it was, the best movie i have ever seen.  its three hours seemed like minutes.  there were conversations that i knew word for word.  the cuts that had to be made... flowed almost unknown.
the greatest story ever told has given birth to the greatest epic ever filmed.
i was in middle earth, and i never want to leave.  my soul will not bare the wait of another year.  i must return to middle earth.  i must journey with frodo.  i must be the one who's name i've taken so many times, aragorn.  i must be with the enchanting and beautiful legolas!  i feel i will be ripped apart if i do not return!  'choose what to do with the time given to you'.
i am going to middle earth!
 

thursday, december 13  2001
i'm so tired of looking for jobs!  ugh...
yea... they wanted me to move to missouri to manage a theater.  wtf!?  i'd last like two fucking minutes there.  it's the home of john ashcroft for crying out loud.  they would have me pistol whipped, tied to a fence and branded on the forehead "our very own matthew" as soon as i got there.  i'd rather live on the street than die in missouri.

i've decided that gay guys have something in common with girls.  on some date show i saw today, a guy talked about how girls lead guys on... they give all these signals at parties and clubs and on subways, and then when you approach them because they are obviously interested because of all the signals right?... they are like, "umm.. no thanks."  wtf!?  damn boys.  fuck them all... i'm going celibate.
 

monday, december 10   2001
thousands, tens of thousands... they pass by.  strangers all.  what if there is that one.  just for us.  our match.  our soul mate.  was that him?  that little glance that lasted just too long, right before the train sped away.  was it him, who kept stealing glances as i looked away.  standing next to perfection, did i let him slip away.  how could fate be so unjust, to leave it at that.  how far is fate to take it i guess. he who looked at me. he who looked away as i looked at him.  me who looked away as he looked at me.  and so the cycle goes for hours that are only minutes.  a screeching halt comes the train.  away we walk.  not without one last backwards glance when for the first and last our eyes meet.  is fate this way.  could it be that he was him i've searched for so long.  is it not possible that the one that is meant has come and gone in a glance.  never to return.  fate giving one chance.  leaving the rest to us.
yet maybe fate knows us, humans as we are.  giving us time and time again to reach for what we should have grasped the first.
if so, what about him.  our glances surveying, our eyes at last connected.
what about him, lost in the thousands, tens of thousands...
 

saturday, december 8  2001
wada hoo... don't ask... i don't know.
2001 a space odyssey.  when does my odyssey start??
i've decided... i hate boys.  they are such fucks... they are.  sometimes i am shamed to be one.  but boy i like the benefits.
i'm not sure there is anyone for me out there.  don't really know if there is any one out there for any one.  i think what it is really about is...... sex.  everyone wants sex.  get some, get the hell out... that's the motto.  well... i LOVE sex.  but i'd kinda like to hold hands too... if you don't mind.
oh my... what a life.
i'm going to go to bed and read.  only damn thing i can do in bed as i'm all alone!
good night sweetheart goodnight
 

thursday, december 7   2001
i'm tired.  i went to work a little after we got home.  and, i'm sad...
i read a post at my friends message board that made me think about grandpa.  i miss him so.  i've found over the last few months i've just tried to not think about grandpa... so i could handle things.  not good... but i'll deal with that in another journal...
i'm also sad that my new friends are still having problems.  i wish i could help.
there's more, but i'm about to drop.
goodnight dude... i wish you happiness and love
 

tuesday, december 4   2001
yea dude, i know... december 4... whatever.  i'll get to the update.
i heard  a song tonight that touched me deeply.  i cried.  i'll share it in a minute, but first..
omigod!  in the new advocate they quote britney spears as saying, "seriously, all of my friends, all of my dancers, are gay, and i love them; they're my best friends.  No, for real.  I love them.   I probably talk to them more than i do my girlfriends."
WOO HOO!!!!  dude, this means that the dancer of hers, the main guy with the curly black hair... the one i've always thought was sooooooo cute... HE'S GAY!  not that i'll ever have a chance in the world of saying hi to him, let alone dating him, but still... WOO HOO!  he's one of ours!  and one of the cutest ever!

i'll be away at a company christmas party in michigan tomorrow all day and night.  they aren't too bad.  at least i'll have something to do.  i don't envy the 5 hour one way drive.  all the friends at dekalb... all of sellies friends.  yea, i'm not sure whatz up there.  i'd like to spend time with them, they are so fun.  but i'm not sure if they want to.  they never say anything.  but that is another issue for another night.  i got a call from sellie tonight!  yea, he dialed the wrong number.  for someone who wants to be friends, he sure avoids me a lot it seems.  maybe i should talk to him.  but you know how i am about not being around people if they don't want to be around me.  i must eat and get to bed so i can get up at the ungodly hour of 10 a.m. ; )

elton john's tribute to matthew sheppard...

American Triangle

Seen him playing in his backyard
Young boy just starting out
So much history in this landscape
So much confusion, so much doubt

Been there drinking on that front porch
Angry kids mean and dumb
Looks like a painting that blue skyline
God hates fags where we come from

Western skies don't make it right
Home of the brave don't make no sense
I've seen a scarecrow wrapped in wire
Left to die on a high ridge fence
It's a cold, cold wind, it's a cold cold wind
It's a cold wind blowing, Wyoming

See two coyotes running down a deer
Hate what we don't understand
You pioneers give us your children
But it's your blood that stains their hands

Western skies don't make it right
Home of the brave don't make no sense
I seen a scarecrow wrapped in wire
Left to die on a high ridge fence
It's a cold, cold wind, it's a cold, cold wind
It's a cold wind blowing, Wyoming

Somewhere that road forks up ahead
To Ignorance and innocence
Three lives drift on different winds
Two lives ruined on life spent
Western skies don't make it right
Home of the brave don't make no sense
I seen a scarecrow wrapped in wire
Left to die on a high ridge fence
It's a cold, cold wind, it's a cold, cold wind
It's a cold wind blowing, Wyoming

It's a cold, cold wind, it's a cold, cold wind
It's a cold wind blowing, blowing
Wyoming

we will never forget you matthew... never.
 
 

monday, december 3   2001
i know dude, i know... i've never gotten updates done at the first of the month, so why change now?  i just hope i have it done by the end of the month.

so... yea... i'm thinking of moving the page.  it seems that, well i gave the addy to sellie and he kind of looked at it at a friends.  that really wasn't a problem, as i'm sure i can trust them.  but... i'm afraid there are things that could be out of control.  some people... they would really let me have it if they had some of the information in this journal.  i can't remember exactly what is in here, as i've never gone back and read it myself (it just isn't time), but i know there is serious stuff.  i don't want to have trauma over this thing... so.  i'm not sure what to do.  but this is on my mind.  some things have been mentioned to me... particularly the whole break up with sellie.  things that people wouldn't know without being here at this journal.  see, i don't let things out to people.  i'm a very hidden person, because i choose to be. i don't like people too close.  so this journal is a big outlet that helps me.  the fact is, that no one would ever know that there was a break up, let alone that it upset me, if i didn't tell them (and i didn't tell many).  so, to have people tell me i'm too upset or that they are glad i'm no longer wallowing in self pity... it is kind of upsetting because i only talked to two people (not including sellie) about being upset.  they have no contact with the people who mentioned things.
see, my journal... for me... is an outlet.  i don't let people in until i trust them a lot.  so this is an outlet when i have no one to talk to.  i also don't let people see my real feelings very often at all.  so again, this journal helps.  but if all the people around me know how i'm feeling... well it means i might as well tell them.  and that makes me extremely uncomfortable.
now, some people will say, "then why the hell do you have an online journal if you don't want people to read it!"  well, that brings me to the second part, my journal...  for others... on the main page of this site is my purpose... to help others as i was helped.  i was helped so much by reading other gay guys journals.  i hope to be able to give some of that back.  i have no problem with someone in los angeles or seattle reading my journal.  i hope it helps.  that is why i do it online rather than privately.  i'm not some kind of voyeur or some twit who like to cause trauma buy saying things in his journal he really wants to say in person.
one reason this journal is online, one reason only... to help people.  other gay guys... friends who are trying to help their gay friends... people who are just trying to learn.
so yea... i've got to figure out how and what to do...

ok, so my life....
i went home.  that was a lot of fun.  i spent a lot of time with jenessa, that was so great.  it was one of the first times i've gone back home that i really felt like a visitor instead of someone coming home from a long vacation.  that was hard.  i cried after i gave 'ness a kiss goodnight (she was asleep) and drove off...

i think i need to clarify the song that i put in the journal last time.  there was a reason... a purpose for that song.  but as it is, it appears it could be linked to tony.  that isn't what i meant, so ... yea... i don't even expect tony to call.  i didn't when i handed him my phone number, i certainly don't now,   and i'm sure if he thinks about it, someone will talk him out of it (the whole journal thing).  so... the song was about something else.

i'm not sure how work will work out... i'm still looking for another job, but nothing yet.  i told shane he could make me an offer.  but he hasn't seen fit to do that.  i think there will be immense pressure on my new boss to take away the weekends he has promised.  and the pay... still major problems.  but with the weekends, hey i can find friends, and a new boyfriend.

i really want to get involved in some more activism.  i don't want to scream and yell, but i do want to help.  i do want to make the world a better place.
well, it is late, so for tonight this will have to do.  it has been a really nice day.  my highlight... my friend katie d. sent me a box of christmas cards and stamps when she found out i wasn't going to be able to send them to friends.  i'm so happy!  i can't wait to start working on them.  she is so sweet.  i'm very glad i met her.  and why?  all because she was trying to help her gay friend.
night dude.