wednesday, march 1, 2000
man, i wanted to have my page updated today.  new piks, new quote, new month on the journal, but...
one of the girls from work called.  she was bored and wanted to do something, so we watched scream 3 (i'm beginning to hate that theatre! :-)  i figured i would do something because she thinks she knows something about me, so i figure it will be fun to play around with her for awhile. :-)  lol, the other day she asked me if i went to strip bars.  can she be more obvious?  when i tell her i love naked women!  she will be amazed.  naaa i won't lie.  it is more fun to play games while staying within the truth, anyone can lie and play games!

i am feeling better since last night.  i almost went to this gay club in the fort.  it is kind of a cyber club thing.  it sounds cool.  i think i will try it.  it is just extremely hard to do that by myself.  when i'm really lonely or sad i'll be able to push myself to go.  see it is at those times i don't care about the consequences... so i'll do things i normally wouldn't.  i can't wait to check this gay club.  and maybe, just maybe there will be some gay guys my age?  wow, that would be so cool.  kinda blows my mind.
peace
 

tuesday, february 29, 2000
as i stood in the back of the theatre far from my friends so that they would not see me cry, i watched a father beat his "faggot" son.  many things went through my mind as i watched.  is my father capable of that?  probably... it's not like he has never touched me before.  i mean he never punched me, but beat... yea.  i seen his temper.  i know his bigotry.  but his greatest strength is his psychological beating.  those scars run much deeper.
then i thought of the other two gay guys in the movie.  perfectly happy, perfectly normal.  yet right next door... hell.  then i realized... no matter how close i get to a happy life, a normal life.  no matter whether i find love, whether my family accepts me, whether i find true friends, no matter how good it gets there will always, always be someone right near by, ready and full of desire to destroy it all.  peace... i wish i knew your secrete.
i'm thinking maybe i need a trip away for awhile.  i have a very little bit of money saved up.  it was for my trip to france.  maybe that and a loan for my tax refund will get me a little trip away, let me think a little bit.
some days i feel so worthless.  that's what they do to you.  the hate, the words, the discrimination... that can be dealt with.  their most precious weapon is their amazing ability to make us feel as though we have no worth, none at all.
 

monday, february 28, 2000
today was so cool .  at work chrissy was reading my local gay mag.  that is so cool.  then we talked about this cute guy that came in during the day.  too bad i saw him later in the evening at the theatre with some girl in hand :-(  dang, his side burns were so cute too!  oh well!
that really cute dude i wrote about.  the one dressed in white.  well today after work i took an unplanned trip to the grocery store at the last minute.  he was there!  when i saw him at the theatre i figured he was 24 or 25.  at the grocery he was in different clothes.  he looked maybe 19 or 20.  does that change anything?  lol, i doubt it since i have not had the guts to even say "hi"!
chrissy and i are also having fun at work.  people think we really are in love or something!  they are even singing when we are around!  lol!  this is so fun!  we are just playing with them so hard!  i can't wait to see the look on their faces when they find out.  and today i thought of just how i would love for that to happen.  i finally get a boyfriend.  we have a staff meeting.  i have my boyfriend come to it (no one has a clue about him ).  chrissy says, "now for something we need to take care of.  craig has something to say."   i look at her with a "you are leaving this all up to me?!" look.  i stand up and say, "well, ok.  i guess since it is all up to me... there have been a lot of rumors going on around here.  a lot of rumors about me and that i like someone here.  well... we need to put these rumors to rest so we can all get back to work.  i do like some one here.  a lot.  and to show you that and to once and for all answer these questions and end these rumors i can't think of a better way than to just give the person i love a kiss."  then i walk over to chrissy and kiss my boyfriend who just happens to be sitting next to her.  WOO HOO!  wow!  i'll have to have a video camera to get all the expressions on their faces.  it will be priceless!  and what a better way of coming out!  woo hoo!
but of course that is all dependent on one thing... me having a boyfriend.  i guess i better figure something else out :-(

i think chrissy her friend and i are going to a theatre of a friends tomorrow night to see the friend and to watch "american beauty".  that will be fun.
i talked to bryan tonight about the email i sent jacob.  bryan said he hopes things work out.  but no matter what, by what i said to jacob, bryan knows i'll be ok.  i told him, "for the first time in my life i think i will be ok, too."
peace

sunday, february 27, 2000
ok i've heard the comments and... the journal stays.  just as it is with one small exception... i'm going to always try to have something positive, even when i'm down.  this will be helpful to me and to the guys i'm trying to help with this journal.  thanks david!  ok, so now back to pretending you guys aren't around ;-)

i've had the best weekend in a long time.  i've met some new friends ( a cool surfer dude in LA!  woo hoo!)  i've had the best time with chrissy.  we saw "breakfast at tiffany's" on the big screen and then had dinner.  it was sooooo kewl!  she is becoming the friend i never had.  wow.  we talked and had fun.  wow.  i'm so happy.  that was on friday dude.  then on saturday we worked the evening.  there was this guy who came in.  ohmygod!  he was sooooo cute!  he had to be gay.  he was dressed so well!  he had a white sweater vest, dress shirt and white pants.  he had gold hoops in both ears and a tan and the best hair!  i don't know how many trips i made to the theatre he was in.  i had to make sure everything was ok you know!  chrissy just made fun of me about it!  she loved it!  she knew exactly what was up.  the first time i said i needed to do a sound check in theatre 4 she looked at me, got this big smile on her face and said, "who's in there?!"  she even came with me to check him out.  the only thing... i never said anything to him.  i know, i know.  but it was clear i was scoping him out so... maybe he will be back.  he had two girls with him (not girlfriends for sure).  they knew for sure what i was up to.  maybe they will clue him in!  i can hope :-)
the other thing that has happened this weekend has probably been the most important.  thanks to eggy and his story, a new life, i've started to overcome a long held demon.  see one of eggy's players has some demons to overcome.  one of them is that fact that his dad has always made him feel he wasn't good enough.  prez was told that so many times that he finally just accepted it.  now he has to prove to himself he is good enough.   eggy took a chapter right out of my own life.  i cried and cried when i read that part.  and then the mother and father who have taken prez in said to him, "just for the record i think you are good enough"  and the dad said, "second".  ... it still makes me cry.  how much...... how much i want someone to put their arm around my shoulder and tell me that i'm good enough.  i've longed for that my whole life.  never could i please my dad.  never.
well thanks to eggy, prez and keith, i'm starting to overcome that demon!  and one of my first actions is going to be to email jacob as soon as i'm done here.  see, i've accepted that his leaving me as my best friend was my fault.  i was to blame because i wasn't good enough.  i didn't do the  right things.  i even told him that about a week ago.  his response?  not a word.  well... i was wrong.   i am not to blame!  it is not my fault he abandoned me!  i'm a good guy, and i'm good enough for anyone to love and care about.  i'm not worthless!  i'm going to email jacob and tell him if he doesn't want to be my friend there is nothing i can do about it.  but, he will talk to me, face to face so that i can tell him how much he has hurt me.  and i'm going to tell him if he won't contact me, i'll go to his house and scream it out on the lawn!  i'm not a piece of trash!  i need to tell him that!  i'm worthy of anyone's friendship!  i'm worthy of every breath i take!!!  i'm worthy of love!  i'm good enough!!!!!
thank you so much eggy!  i thank god for you.
peace
 

wednesday, february 23, 2000
not one email about my journal ideas.   hmmm... does that mean no one reads this page?  i am really trying to decide what to do with it, so let me know.  i know there aren't many of you out there.  for one reason because i have been very cautious about where my page is listed.  the only place you will find it is on the few web rings i'm on and on bryan and katie's pages.  that is going to change soon, as i'm coming out more and more.  speaking of that, some changes....
first, i've done something new and i'll let you guys who read my journal be the first ones to know.  i've added a pik of me.  yes, i really did it.  now the links still say coming soon.  but trust me, if you click the link, it will have a pik on it.  ok, i know you want to, so go on... check it out and get the disappointment over with, i'll wait......

ok, now that you know what i look like (yes it is me, why would i joke with that face and body?) and you've come back (woo hoo!) let me tell you there is also a new news page.  i don't have a link to it yet, but it is there.  you can check it by clicking here.  tell me what you think.
i've also updated my coming out page.
one more thing.  i know i still owe a few of you an email.  i have not forgotten, it is on my mind every night (i know, "so do something!").  i will get caught up soon i promise.

please, if you have any feelings about this journal, let me know.  i need to know if guys are being helped by it at all or if i'm causing problems.
ok, i'm off to see some new friends at the eggman's page.  and then i'm reading my new xy.
peace
 

tuesday, february 22, 2000
today has been good.  work was ok.  i took my "advocate" with me and read it upstairs when i was by myself.  actually joe caught me reading it, but i closed it before he saw anything.  don't know why.  i really don't care if he knows.  i guess i just figure that isn't the best way for him to find out.  and it is still kind of a knee jerk reaction to hide things... you know dude?

it is late and i have to be up early tomorrow to take care of some of this financial mess.  ughhhh....  and my car insurance is due at the end of the month.  oh well, it will work out.  anyway, i am going ot make some changes to my page.  i'm going to add some pictures of cute guys here and there.  i'm going to add a news page where i can put important info for us.  i will promise to do some kind of update on that news page at least once a week.  and i think i'm going to change the journal.  it has become too much like a diary.  i'm afraid i'm not helping people by always talking about how hard things are for me and how down i get sometimes.  i never intended to do that.  i wanted to show guys some other guy was going through the same things, and he was making it.  i have not been doing a very good job of that.  so i am very seriously thinking of making the journal a simple one or two lines a day just about the physical things i have done.  kinda like, "saw a movie after work, "the whole nine yards".  it was good.  watched jon stewart bash george bush jr., go jon!  peace."  something like that.
i try not to do this, because this really is my journal, i have no other one.  i don't write it with the intent that anyone is reading it.  but, since i am thinking of basically doing away with it... let me hear what you think.  i mean if you are actually reading this thing and you have some opinion about what i've just wrote, let me know.  i'll give it a couple of days just to see if anyone might actually like to chime in.
btw - i probably will not write over the next few days while i decide what to do with it.
peace
 

monday, february 21, 2000
woo hoo!  i'm really happy!  today has been great.  i went to the city where the mall is.  i picked up the new xy, freshman and advocate (yea, i'm upset the xy didn't come in the mail.  i'll email them tomorrow).  then i went to a place where i've seen this local mag a couple of times.  i've never read it.  it is called the rainbow reader.  well i picked it up and... woo hoo!  it has listings for gay clubs and social events for the local gay social clubs!  i can't wait!  woo hoo!  as soon as i have the courage i'm going.  i'm sure this loneliness will push me to go soon.  woo hoo!
another bit of good news.  i had decided to not call craig again, ever.  i thought he needed to make the next move.  well, i watched a movie today that inspired me!  i'm going to go after him.  i'm going to make him tell me no.  i'm not going to go quietly into the night!  i'm not at all sure he will say no.  as a matter of fact he has already said yes once.  i really like him.  i'm going to try to go for it!  woo hoo!
ok, one piece of bad news... jacob, well he is an athlete.  he is a swimmer.  he had a big meet this weekend, the biggest of the year.  it seems by what i read in the paper that he didn't do well.  i feel bad for him.  i hope i didn't cause him any problems.  i will feel so awful if i did.
that is bad news.  but, i'm still really happy!  i can't wait to get involved in the gay community here.  woo hoo!
peace
 

sunday, february 20, 2000
i had to work late again last night, 4:00 a.m. this time.  i enjoyed it again.  spent some time talking to joe, that was cool.
today has sucked.  it started boring and has ended as one of those days that just makes me want to give up.  i've been checking out grad schools for psychology.  it appears i have a better chance of falling in love with a girl than getting any kind of grad degree in psychology.  i can't get the degree, i'm gay, i have no friends to hang with, i have no boyfriend, i have no life, i spent 35 thousand dollars for a damn education that has just failed me because i didn't take a few certain classes.  sigh... it is days like this that make it hard to find any reason to keep going, you know dude?  i mean why?  happiness? no.  love? no.  i'm afraid to go back and read my own journal.  i'm sure it sounds so pathetically sad.  that was never my intent.  i wanted to help.  but always being down, always being sad and negative about life and the future, that is not helping anyone.  it helps me to write, but i can do that without being on the net.
maybe i need to get out.  start fresh, hmph... no, there are no fresh starts.  maybe i can at least go some where different.
i need to sleep.  maybe tomorrow will be a better day.  maybe a boyfriend will walk into my life, maybe lost friends will be found, maybe the phone will ring and craig will say hi, maybe i'll find a way to get my masters... and maybe hell will be frozen over when i wake.
 

friday, february 18, 2000
i was at work until 3:00 a.m. last night.  ughhh.  oh well.  i enjoyed it.  i had to put together all the new movies (there were three of them) and tear down the four that were being shipped out.  then i had to be back at 11:30 this morning.  needless to say dude (yea, i know but i'll say it anyway) i'm tired.

chrissy and i went to eat today after work.  it was sooo cool.  the first time i've talked to anyone about gay things since jacob.  it is so nice to feel free, true.  to know that someone knows you, the real you.  it is so nice.  before we left the theatre it was really busy.  the lobby was full of people.  she said she had something to do.  i said, "no problem, i'm just scoping..." and smiled.  it was so cool to say that and know that she knew exactly who i was scoping!  woo hoo!

i've been doing a lot of thinking.  i spent the last couple of days talking to joe and another person at work.  they are both friends of joe's gay friend(i know his name, but i won't print it yet).  this dude amazes me.  to come out when you are in high school.  dog, that is so... wow.  anyway, i've been thinking i want to do two things.  the first thing is i want to meet this guy who is such an inspiration.  the second is i think i want to start a support group for young gay guys.  i want to help these guys as much as i can.  we need a group of friends that we know we can depend on.  that we know will be there when everything else seems to be crashing down around us.  i want to do this.  i want to help.  i want to make the world a little better place for us today, and for those who come tomorrow.  of course this would be pretty hard to do without being out :-)  so i guess...  as soon as i get self sustaining, have my own place, and school set, i'll be coming out.  of course i can't meet this cool dude until joe knows.  joe is such a cool guy.  he is a great friend to his friend.  i know he will be cool with it.  i really think i will tell him soon.
and i've been thinking of jacob.  i miss him.  i have no clue what happened.  i know i can't keep running after his friendship.  if he doesn't want to give it there isn't anything i can do.  ... ... it just really hurts sometimes.  i know the friendship will never be able to be the same again.  maybe just maybe it could be better.  i mean that is possible.  ok, ok... i know, stop being stupid.  so... he has a big weekend coming up.  i don't want to give him anything to think about (ok, so he probably won't think of me no matter what, but...) that would cause him problems.  after the weekend i guess i'll email and say, 'i want to be your friend, or i don't want to hear from you again.'  i guess i kind of know what will happen already.  i know people pretty well, it is my one gift.  dude, if you could see deep within me  you would know how very much i never ever expected this to happen.  i thought i knew jacob.  i really did.  misjudgment i guess.  it makes me rethink that whole gift thing.
peace

wednesday, february 16, 2000
i feel blue.  sometimes i wonder if i made the right decision staying here.  i have no friends to hang with (well, maybe sometime chrissy, but that is still developing).  not only do i not have a boyfriend, i don't even know another gay guy.  sigh...
i've been trying to call craig.  i know valentines day had to be really hard on him.  i can't catch him at home.  i hope he is ok.
today is my day off.  i was going to get some important stuff done, taxes, checkbook, bills... but i'm too blue.  i think i'll go spend the day at the theatre.  where else?  i am broke and alone, i guess a free dark theatre is as good a place as any.  movies often make me feel better, maybe that will happen.
 

tuesday, february 15, 2000
random thoughts... i feel i can't be "down".  there are too many things to do, to many people who need my help.
... you better enjoy life.  don't keep hoping for things to get better, they probably won't.  you will waste your life looking for what you do not have.  if you want to be happy in this life then you had better learn to be happy with what you have and where you are at.

monday, february 14, 2000
today was a nice valentines day.  i got a rose :-)  my friend (my boss) gave it to me for valentines day!  she is so nice.  i told her on friday that i was gay.  we've talked a little about being around to talk to each other and stuff.  by the way dude, rony was surprised to find out that she is 21 years old.  i'm very flattered that she is my friend and that she bought me a rose :-)  she is cute... if i wasn't gay... :-)  she gave me the rose and said, "since you are alone and i'm alone, you can be my valentine."  so sweet.
ok, the details will be short this journal entry... my videos came today (what a nice valentines day presant ;-) so i'm kinda busy...
i told my boss on friday.  i had a really bad day at work on thursday, a lot of gay bashing.  i cried as soon as i left.  i was very seriously thinking of quitting.  i just couldn't take it anymore.  so on friday my boss said something about the next assistant manager.  i said, "yea, we need to talk about that."  she came running over and wanted to know what i was talking about, ask me if i was quitting.  i said i was thinking about it.  she wanted to know why and i said it was from yesterday.  she wanted to know what happened.  i kept asking to talk later, but it was clear there was no way she was waiting.  she was worried i was leaving.  so after a little while of asking to talk later i said, "you know this is hard.  ok, you can't tell anyone."  she made the lips sealed sign thing.  i said, "you know the people they always make fun of in the meetings?"  she said, "are they making fun of you?!"  i said "no, not on purpose.  you know the ones the make fun of, gays..."  she asked, "are they calling you gay behind your back?"  i said, "no, it's not that... i'm gay.  i'm still figuring it all out and it really hurts to hear them say those things."  she said, "well, don't let them get you down.  you are going to be ok."  then she got called to take care of a problem.  i ran to a corner (this happened up in the projection area) and cried.  i was shaking.  i couldn't  believe i said it.  after i slipped out of work i went to watch "cider house rules"  it is great.  it made me feel so good.  i went back to the theatre to talk to her.  she was gone.  but the next day i saw her and we talked.  she said she went back upstairs to talk to me, but couldn't find me.  she said that of course it didn't bother her at all that i was gay.  that she would talk to the others if i wanted.  i said no way in the world did i want her to talk to them.  i told her we would have to talk because i didn't have many people to talk to.  she said cool, she didn't either.
so... my next coming out complete!  woo hoo!  and maybe, just maybe she will actually be someone i can talk to when life gets hard, unlike the other two i've come out to.  i hope so, i really need a friend.  she really seems like a good friend who will help.  sunday night when i went to watch "down to you" again she came in and watched it with me.

speaking of those "other" two... jacob didn't message or email today.  wtf?  did he say, "i'm sorry..." and then take off again?!  even if he felt our friendship was lost he sure the hell should have written something.  if i don't hear from him soon i think i will have to send an email and tell him never to talk to me again.  i can't take this taking off, coming back, taking off, coming back, taking off anymore.  i've learned i deserve better.

well, time to go watch a flick.
peace
 

sunday, february 13, 2000
sorry dude.  i've been really sick the last few days.  i'm finally feeling better, but i'm still feeling it a little.
a lot has happened.
i'm way behind on my email :-(
i almost quit my job.  i came out to my boss :-)  i've been thinking about craig and what is up with him.  i saw "down to you" tonight and it made me think of him.  and, speaking of down to you, tonight a lost friend messaged me.  i have no clue what do do about that.  he said he was sorry, i messaged back and then... nothing.  i swear to everything holy i don't think i will ever understand him.  i just don't know what to do.  i want his friendship, but i don't want hurt like that again.  i guess i'll wait and see if he says anything else.  maybe i shouldn't, but i will... for a little while.
i also am trying to find some gay groups around the area.  my cyber friends are great, but i need someone to hang out with.  with craig in chicago, my sister awol and jacob... i have no clue, i'm really lonely.  there is a group close by.  i don't know much about them i just found out about them.  maybe i will be able to make some friends.  that would be nice.
i still need some rest with this flu, i'll write more tomorrow.
peace
 

thursday, february 10, 2000
i've been sick with the flu the last few days.  i'm still feeling sick.  while i've spent so much time resting in bed i've been thinking a lot.  i'm ready to start writing my book.  i've got an ending.  that will make the beginning easier.  i think it will be a fictional story about a guy in his twenties living in the midwest, learning to deal with being gay and coming out.  write about what you know, right? :-)
i've also been thinking about life.  about this whole process i've been through and still have to go through.  i was thinking about two things.  this whole coming out deal has reaffirmed my long held believe in my rule of life, "trust no one".  every time you trust to a great extent you get burned.  it is human nature, it is that simple.  a life lesson i guess.  i once had a friend that i trusted more than i have ever trusted anyone.  although, thank god, i didn't reveal all of myself to him, i did come out to him.  i put so much trust in jacob and he abandoned me.  when i needed support, strength, love, compassion, understanding more than any other time, he abandoned me.  what did i learn?  don't trust people, don't depend on people.  trust in yourself and depend on yourself alone.  you are the only one that you can truly know will never let you down.
i've also been thinking about love.  i have thought a lot about that word for a long time.  i've tried to understand it, to figure out exactly what it is.  after what ever the hell went on with pascal (?) and then with craig (another "?"), and much, much thinking, i believe i've figured out love.  it doesn't exist.  it is a creation of humans in a vain attempt to make this life a little better.  there is no such thing as love.  any feelings that come about, that are felt in our "hearts", are only chemical reactions going on inside the body.  there is no mystical "love" floating through the air.  we can't "fall" into it or "find" it.  there isn't a "true" love or a "the one" to love.  it's all bunk.  that is what i believe anyway.  not very romantic or happy, i know.  but, after all my thinking and understanding, it is what i believe.  love is equal to the easter bunny, leprechauns and the tooth fairy...  nice to believe in, but not reality.
peace
 

monday, february 7, 2000
my videos and my xy mag should be here this week sometime.  today when i got home from work i sat in the car for a while.  i was scared to go inside because i was worried about, what if they came and my parents found out what they were and they had my stuff sitting ready for me to get out of there house.  i was scared.  but, i guess i'll have to deal with that if it happens.  there is not a whole lot i can do about it.  i'm gay, i can't change that even if i wanted to.  and you know what dude?  i don't want to change it.  i'm finally happy with who i am.  i know god made me just the way i am, i don't want to change a thing.

there is a song by the moffatts that i've been wanting to write.  it says so much about how it feels to be gay.  i don't know if one of the guys is gay, but he sure hit it right on with this song.
untitled hidden track from the moffatts "chapter I: a new beginning"

there's no windows in this placefor me to show my weary face
reach a hole within my soul at times i can not control
what's the point of me being here, if being me is what i fear
everyday it's all the same, trapped again in my own pain
i cry myself to sleep, so many secrets i must keep
no one to reach to, nobody cares
trapped in the middle of a distant stair.
i've prayed that i was free
of this thief that's filling me
everywhere i turn
every bridge must burn
there's no windows in this place for me to show my weary face
peace
 

sunday, february 6, 2000
ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod!!!  wow, oh wow.  i have never had a dream so... ohmygod!
ok, dude you know i've never been kissed, right.  holy shit.  so i'm sitting on this guys bed (fully clothed) some how i knew him.  i was talking to him.  he was not saying much, just lying down propped up on his elbow.  my sister was in the room doing something.  i think it was her house (how weird) then i start telling him where a certain place is around lafayette.  i've never taken my eyes from his, nor he from mine.  i put my hand on his arm and tell him to be careful, he sits up, looks sooo deeply into my eyes.  he is so beautiful.  his hair is dark, long just past his ears, straight.  his eyes deep, dark, soulful.  his body, i could hold it for eternity.  even fully clothed i know his beauty.  his face is the most beautiful face i have ever seen.  it is not perfect, blemishes can be found, but in that face i see perfection and a beauty that would burn the stars.  he turns his head away, then quickly turns back and without hesitation he leans forward and kisses me.  i can feel his soft lips against mine.  he pauses there, just enough to feel my reaction (my sis looks at us, smiles and slips out).  i open up, he lets his tongue go wild.  i can taste him, feel him, holy shit!  ohmygod!  my first kiss!  i am going crazy, kissing him back like i never knew i could.  this is no, your cute let me kiss you first kiss.  this is a, i have wanted to kiss you since my eyes first met  yours, i'll never let you go, let's do it right here, right now kiss.
we held each other and kissed so deeply, but for only a minute, because... i woke up.  i woke up shaking!  i had this tingle i've never felt before.  i could still taste him on my lips.  ohmygod!  i still feel it!  oh wow, oh wow!  i have never in my life had a dream so real, ever!  i've got to, absolutely got to, find a boyfriend... and kiss, and kiss, and kiss!  and when we are done kissing... kiss some more!  holy shit!  i can't believe this feeling, and it was a dream!
 

i wrote that this morning dude.  as i re-read it i'm thinking how sad it is that society has repressed gays so much that something i should have experienced when i was a teenager, i'm just now feeling.  it makes me angry, but mostly it makes me sad.
but dude, i'll tell you, that dream!  oh wow!  twelve hours later and i still remember what it felt like to kiss him.  it is almost as if it actually happened.  i have never in my life had such a feeling!  i'm getting goose bumps now just thinking about it.  i've always felt like i couldn't wait to have my first kiss.  my first boyfriend.  now i feel like i'll go out of my mind!  i just hope i never lose that feeling, at least not until i get a real kiss!  this is so way kewl!
woo hoo!!!
 
 

saturday, february 5, 2000
ok, everybody just chill, ok?  i'm fine for crying out loud.  i really, really appreciate people being concerned for me.  it feels great to know that people care.  but, i'm ok!  yea, so what i wrote last night was powerful.  it is what i felt.  this journal is first and foremost about me expressing my feelings.  i try to always be true.  if i'm feeling low, sad or like shit, then that is what i will write.  if i'm extremely happy, in love, crazy, then that is what i will write.  thanks for caring, but remember just because i write something powerfully negative doesn't mean i'm not going to be ok, it is just a reflection of how i am feeling.  ok?  ok... so CHILL :-)
write anytime, check on me anytime, but stop worrying.
 

friday, february 4, 2000
some nights... i don't know.  i'm tired of this.  what did i do to deserve this?  why this punishment of being gay?  what the hell did i do!  fag, homo, queer, cock sucker, faggot, butt fucker... it's me.  why?  WHY!  why the fuck did i get chosen!  why...
 

thursday, february 3, 2000
i feel really good today!  i work until late tonight, and then i will watch the new scream 3.  that will be really cool.
if i he is home, i'll call craig and talk to him.  i really like to talk to him, but it is sad that he is having such a hard time.  i've learned a lot.  i've learned how being a dick head really hurts people that care about you.  whether it be with craig, or some other guy, i know i will never even think of cheating on my boyfriend.

if i get time, i'm going to order my video's online.  they will come in the mail, hopefully in a plain package :-)  my xy mag should be here in the next week!  woo hoo!  i just hope everything works out.  i think i could explain the xy to mom, "i'm gay mom."  but the video's... "i'm gay and sexually deprived so i need my video's mom."  that just doesn't work. :-)

ok damn it!  backstreet boys just knocked nsync out of number one on trl!  i better not find out any of my friends voted for the bsb!  this means you katie!

ok, time to go call and see if craig is home one last time before work... i love nsync!  i love justin!  but, ehh.. this bsb song (unlike most of the others) isn't so bad... :-)
peace
 

wednesday, february 2, 2000
today has had some really good things happen.  but right now, i'm thinking about a friend of mine.  he died a few years ago.  he was like my little brother.  i was very close to him.  i miss him.  i wish he was here so i could tell him who i really am.  it's my fault.  he's not here because of me.  and as if god is saying yes... this afternoon i just happened to put on the only shirt that both of us owned.  i haven't wore it for months.  his mom gave me his shirt.

ok, ten minutes and quite a few tears later, i'm ready to go on with this journal ;-)
i haven't written about craig for awhile.  i was afraid i upset him by writing.  well he told me tonight that it didn't bother him, so i'll continue writing.  i haven't called him in a week or so because i was afraid i was pushing to much.  it was so nice to hear his voice tonight.  but it was hard for me to talk to him.  he is hurting so much.  i wish i could take all that pain away.  now i'm crying again...  it just isn't right that he should have to feel so bad.  he is so nice, caring, honest.  if i ever get my hands on his fucking ex...

well, anyway i was wrong, he wasn't upset at me or my journal.  i will call him tomorrow and maybe go visit him soon.  i just hope somehow i can help him feel better.  sigh...

on a little better note, since i work at the theatre, tomorrow night (thursday) i get to watch a sneak preview (with the other workers ) of scream 3.  i can't wait.

well, i can't get my mind off of my friend and craig.  i guess i'll go to bed and think for awhile.
peace

tuesday, february 1, 2000
i got to go to the movies with some friends last night.  that was cool.  i really had fun.  it was nice to get out and do something with friends.
i talked to tom tonight.  he kept wanting me to tell him what was going on with me.  i wouldn't budge.  it was driving him crazy.  and he even said some things about me being gay!  as jokes!  woo hoo!  i can't wait to tell him.  it will be soooo fun!  i can't wait to see the look on his face!  now i just have to think of a fun way to tell him.  a good joke to pull on him.  it wouldn't be so fun if i didn't know without a doubt that he will still love me just as much as before.  i know tom very well.  of all the people in my life, he may be the only one i am not worried about at all.  i know he cares, and i know it will not change his mind about me at all when i tell him i'm gay.  so cool!

on a different note, work... aghhh!  the bashing again!  oh well, i can handle it for myself.  like i told katie tonight, it is and will be my life.  until  i can stand up to them, i'll just have to suck it up.  and i will.  but tonight, my friends friend came in (the one who is bi).  one of the workers said, "oh here comes so and so's bi friend".  it pissed me off!  and then i looked at the guy.  he looked so innocent.  here is this cute young kid, and i can't imagine the hell he is going through.  i can handle them bashing me.  but they put one word out of place about that poor kid and all hell is going to break loose.  i WILL NOT let them pick on him.  i don't care if it out's me, or cost me my job.  it is not right.  i'll do whatever i can to help him.  i can't handle others being picked on, or beat down.  this kid is going through hell at school.  i so much wanted to run up to him, wrap my arms around him in a big hug and tell him it was going to be ok, and that i was here if he ever needed a friend.

i know it is a new month, but i'm tired, so i'll do the new month tomorrow ;-)
peace