wednesday, february 2, 2000
today has had some really good things happen.  but right now, i'm thinking about a friend of mine.  he died a few years ago.  he was like my little brother.  i was very close to him.  i miss him.  i wish he was here so i could tell him who i really am.  it's my fault.  he's not here because of me.  and as if god is saying yes... this afternoon i just happened to put on the only shirt that both of us owned.  i haven't wore it for months.  his mom gave me his shirt.

ok, ten minutes and quite a few tears later, i'm ready to go on with this journal ;-)
i haven't written about craig for awhile.  i was afraid i upset him by writing.  well he told me tonight that it didn't bother him, so i'll continue writing.  i haven't called him in a week or so because i was afraid i was pushing to much.  it was so nice to hear his voice tonight.  but it was hard for me to talk to him.  he is hurting so much.  i wish i could take all that pain away.  now i'm crying again...  it just isn't right that he should have to feel so bad.  he is so nice, caring, honest.  if i ever get my hands on his fucking ex...

well, anyway i was wrong, he wasn't upset at me or my journal.  i will call him tomorrow and maybe go visit him soon.  i just hope somehow i can help him feel better.  sigh...

on a little better note, since i work at the theatre, tomorrow night (thursday) i get to watch a sneak preview (with the other workers ) of scream 3.  i can't wait.

well, i can't get my mind off of my friend and craig.  i guess i'll go to bed and think for awhile.
peace

tuesday, february 1, 2000
i got to go to the movies with some friends last night.  that was cool.  i really had fun.  it was nice to get out and do something with friends.
i talked to tom tonight.  he kept wanting me to tell him what was going on with me.  i wouldn't budge.  it was driving him crazy.  and he even said some things about me being gay!  as jokes!  woo hoo!  i can't wait to tell him.  it will be soooo fun!  i can't wait to see the look on his face!  now i just have to think of a fun way to tell him.  a good joke to pull on him.  it wouldn't be so fun if i didn't know without a doubt that he will still love me just as much as before.  i know tom very well.  of all the people in my life, he may be the only one i am not worried about at all.  i know he cares, and i know it will not change his mind about me at all when i tell him i'm gay.  so cool!

on a different note, work... aghhh!  the bashing again!  oh well, i can handle it for myself.  like i told katie tonight, it is and will be my life.  until  i can stand up to them, i'll just have to suck it up.  and i will.  but tonight, my friends friend came in (the one who is bi).  one of the workers said, "oh here comes so and so's bi friend".  it pissed me off!  and then i looked at the guy.  he looked so innocent.  here is this cute young kid, and i can't imagine the hell he is going through.  i can handle them bashing me.  but they put one word out of place about that poor kid and all hell is going to break loose.  i WILL NOT let them pick on him.  i don't care if it out's me, or cost me my job.  it is not right.  i'll do whatever i can to help him.  i can't handle others being picked on, or beat down.  this kid is going through hell at school.  i so much wanted to run up to him, wrap my arms around him in a big hug and tell him it was going to be ok, and that i was here if he ever needed a friend.

i know it is a new month, but i'm tired, so i'll do the new month tomorrow ;-)
peace
 

sunday, january 30, 2000
it's early afternoon.  i'm lying in bed because i don't feel well.  i've been thinking.  that depresses me, so i thought i would write.  writing always seems to help.
i've got to buy a few nice dress shirts for work, but i just can't do it.  shopping for clothes is too depressing right now.  i wish i had someone to go with me.  that would help.  i mean someone who knows i'm gay.  who i can talk to as we shop.  who can go with me to get ice cream if i get too down.  i have no one.  only two people know.  my sister... well, she isn't comfortable with it at all.  i've brought certain things up a few times, kind of discussion starters, to see if she would talk with me, she didn't say anything.  so i've written her off.  i can't force people to accept things faster than they can, or will.  then there is jacob.  "is"?  jacob seems like a fog... i'm not really sure he was ever there.  maybe i needed to tell someone so badly that i created an image from the mist.  ... well anyway, i have no one to shop with me.  i thought i had a few shirts that would get me by.  i looked late last night, i'm wrong.  so somehow i must screw up the courage and go shopping.  sounds kinda funny... a gay dude has to have courage to shop?!  life.  last night one of the ladies in the movie "common ground" told jonathan taylor thomas something like this, "being gay doesn't even make you special.  you still have to get up in the morning, just like everybody else.  brush your teeth, just like everybody else.  and figure out how to get through another day, just like everybody else."  guess i better go brush my teeth and start figuring...
 

saturday, january 29, 2000
i just finished watching showtime's, "common ground".  i cried.  i laughed.  i understand more about being gay than maybe i ever have.  i understand that this is my life.  that there are some people who will always hate me.  that those people don't succeed unless i give up who i am.  i understand that many people have suffered much to give me the freedom i have to be gay.  no matter how hard each day is, it is vastly better for me than for those who came before me.  and i have a responsibility to do all that i can, so that those who will come after me are one step closer to equality.

there is much to experience in this life.  maybe nothing greater than love.  loving another, loving yourself for who you are and all that you ever hope to be.  every day i let go by without living fully, i waste.  i have laid waste to quite a few days in my life.  maybe it is time to live.  i gave some advice to a friend last night.  i told him to, "set yourself free".  maybe it is time to set myself free.  no more lies.  no more 'girlfriends'.  no more self loathing.  to set upon this journey, for once... to live.  much to think about.  i know this, if i had a boyfriend, it would be much easier ;-)

after the movie eric stoltz said, "the most i can hope for when i do something is that some people somewhere, even if it is just two or three people, will watch it, take it to heart, think about it and then perhaps... be less afraid to deal with certain issues in their life."
congratulations eric, you've made at least one person less afraid to deal with the issue of his life.  thank you.
peace

"we have to change our attitudes.  we have to be more tolerant.  we have to accept.  we have to stop preaching.  and, we have to extend the umbrella of tolerance.  it's the person who hates who must be regarded as the minority."  ed asner

"so ok, the bottom line seems to be our choice.  we can embrace our differences and each stand alone.  or we can accept the overwhelming evidence that none of us is so very unique, and stand together on common ground."  eric stoltz, from "common ground"
 

friday, january 28, 2000
tonight has been a good night.  i've spent the night chatting with friends, that is always cool.

today i went and picked up a book that a friend recommended to me, "what the bible really says about homosexuality".  if it is good, i'll let you know dude.  then i think i'll mail a copy to ... gary bauer, the pope, and the entire religious right nazis.

i also bought the advocate with jtt in it.  can't wait to read it.
i think that this weekend i'm going to do something daring... i'm going to order a gay video online.  ordering is not the scary part, that it will come to my house when mom gets the mail... that scares me.  oh well, have fun, be young!  you're only gay once :-)

i've done something i thought i wouldn't do.  i've restricted myself from talking about a certain thing in my journal.  right at this moment that certain thing, person, is all that is on  my mind, so... i guess i'm done with tonight's journal.
peace

thursday, january 27, 2000
i had my first managers meeting tonight.  i almost lost it.  they were gay bashing to the extreme... i almost screamed at them to stop... i almost came out right there.  wow.

i'm feeling kinda low right now.  bry is chatting with me, so this will be a short entry dude.
i think that this weekend i might start looking for jobs in california.  for some reason california is my hope for happiness.

i watched the president give his state of the union tonight.  at one time i didn't like him.  now i'm very sorry to see him go.  he is a good man.
i have the weekend off.  if i don't go to see my friend and come out to him... i'll be here and maybe work on my page.

i'm am so very glad i've got my friends, they mean the world to me.  without them i wouldn't make it.  katie... you are an angel ;-)  rony... you mean so much!  and bry... what can i say?  you've walked into my life and become an amazing friend.  how have i made it this far without you?  thanks buddy.
peace
 

wednesday, january 26, 2000
i know dude... i have had a difficult few days... i just didn't feel like writing in my journal.
so... i'm feeling much better.  my friend who was in the hospital, rony, is ok!  woo hoo!  i finally got a message from him last night.  he just had to stay longer than he planned.  i'm very happy he is ok.
i've had the guts to share my piks with a few online friends.  this is a big thing.  i think it might mean i'm one step closer to putting them on my page... although a ways away, i'm closer :-)
i had a really, really bad monday night.  thank god bryan was there to help get me thought it.  i'm very sure i would never have made it without him to help me.

i think i've found my new theme song.   it says so much about life... about how i feel a lot of the time,  you live... you learn.
sometimes life sucks, you live you learn...
sometimes you feel all alone, you live you learn...
sometimes you feel like love will never find you, you live you learn...
sometimes people hurt you, you live you learn...
sometimes you cry yourself to sleep, you live you learn...
sometimes you are as happy as you could ever be, you live you learn...
sometimes the smile on your face is only outdone by the feeling in your heart, you live you learn...

alanis morissette, "you learn";
I recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyone
I recommend walking around naked in your living room :-)
Swallow it down (what a jagged little pill)
It feels so good (swimming in your stomach)
Wait until the dust settles

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

I recommend biting off more than you can chew to anyone
I certainly do
I recommend sticking your foot in your mouth at any time
Feel free
Throw it down (the caution blocks you from the wind)
Hold it up (to the rays)
You wait and see when the smoke clears

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

Wear it out (the way a three-year-old would do)
Melt it down (you're gonna have to eventually anyway)
The fire trucks are coming up around the bend

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

You grieve you learn
You choke you learn
You laugh you learn
You choose you learn
You pray you learn
You ask you learn
You live you learn

the point is... you live
peace

sunday, january 23, 2000
 another emotional roller coaster of a day.  i got the official ok to be a manager in training at the theatre.  that was cool.  the managers are happy to have me there.  that makes me feel good.  i called craig, that made me feel good.  i've never been able to have more than a few minutes of short conversations with him.  that isn't so good.  tonight i started to wonder if maybe he doesn't want to talk to me.  that obviously isn't so good.  i got a nice poem with a not so good meaning.  you think i would learn.  that is not so good.  my friend who's in the hospital, i still haven't heard from him.  that is really bad.  i got a really nice email from a friend telling me there was hope for love.  that was good.  i got an email from my closest college friend.  that was good.  if things work out, i'll visit him and tell him i'm gay.  i already know what he will say, and that is good.

sometimes i think i should buy my own island, kidnap craig and just lay on the beach with him :-)  no worries, no other people, just me and a cute guy.  and, none of this damn snow!

saturday, january 22, 2000
today has been a pretty good day.  i didn't sleep well last night.  i kept waking up from dreams.  they were all gay dreams.  nothing sexual at all.  just about life, friends, relationships,  all while being and dealing with being gay.  one dream was of three friends and myself moving somestuff into a kitchen.  one of the friends asked us if there was anyone we liked.  one friend mentioned some girls.  another friend, the cutest one, without hesitation said, "yea, there area  couple of guys i like."  wow, my jaw dropped.  i remember thinking, i wish i he knew i was gay.  not because he was cute, but because we have a common bond.  well, then i woke up.  the only thing about that dream that i could think of while lying in bed was that i had better come out soon, or so many people will be coming out, it will look like i'm just jumping on the band wagon.  how weird is that?

i've spent a lot of time thinking about life again today.  thinking about me, about the future.  i've been doing to much of that lately.  i just feel very pressed to get some kind of plan going.  to be pushing myself in the right direction.  probably all a result of the loneliness thing i feel too much of.  tonight bry was telling me about a gay club he went to last night.  i was so jealous!  i know, all in time.  i'm just too impatient :-)

i'm worried about my friend who was to go into the hospital monday.  i haven't heard a word from him yet.  he said i would hear from him by thursday or friday.  he jokingly said if i didn't hear from him by monday, he was dead.  well, tomorrow night is his monday.  needless to say i'm a little worried.  i'll pray.
peace
 

friday, january 21, 2000
today has been a good day i think.  i got to talk to craig a little today.  that always makes me feel better.
work was kinda goofy, but i'll get to that another time, it is late and i'm tired.  and a goofy friend won't quit messaging me so i can get my journal done:-)  she is all hot and bothered over ryan phillippe in "cruel intentions".  geeze, you'd think he was straight or something :-)
hey, i almost forgot... i got an email today from XY mag.  they are sending the mag!  it will be here in about two weeks!  woo hoo!  i'm so stoked!

one of my friends asked me to write something i love about myself in my journal tonight.  i said i would, but it is hard.  first because i don't want to be arrogant.  but, also because there isn't a whole lot that i love about myself.  i'm not hating myself or anything.  i just am a normal dude, nothing stands out.  the one thing i do think i love is that it seems i've been able to help some people by taking the time to do this page of mine.  that makes me feel really good.
i can't say something i love about myself without saying something i hate about myself... i hate this feeling that i'm going to be alone forever.  it seems to haunt me everyday.  sigh......
peace
 

thursday, january 20, 2000
something hit me today...  i guess i always figured that over time i would eventually feel good about being gay.  today i realized that there will never be a time in my life that i always feel good about being gay.  there will be good days, and i will enjoy them so much.  but i know there will be bad days.  i will have to learn to endure them, they will always be there i'm afraid.  i think i have to stop hoping that they aren't there, and instead start to learn to deal with them, one miserable day at a time.
 

tuesday, january 18, 2000
i won't write much tonight.  i'm tired and i've decided to start trying to get 8 hours sleep instead of six.  just in case i need my beauty sleep!  lol.
well, i get to call craig tomorrow.  hope he is doing all right.  i'm sure it will be a good call. life is hard for him right now, i hope chicago has been a good break.

i worked on my page a little today, added some poems.  well, i'm tired and i'm  looking forward to talking to a cute guy tomorrow, so...
peace
 

monday, january 17, 2000
i  feel kinda bad that i keep writing about craig.  then i remember that this is my journal about me, about dealing with being gay.  it is about what is on my mind and heart.  so, if craig is what is on my mind and heart, then i guess that is what i will write about.  i laid in bed again thinking about him today.  not like you would think dude.  my thoughts aren't like, total obsession over the dude.  they are thoughts about wondering if he is ok.  wondering if he likes me at all.  wondering how this will all work out.  wondering if i've made a mistake not going to california.  time, bry keeps telling me, time.  he is right of course, but that is a hard thing when you don't know what's on the other side.  i mean hey dude, if someone came to me with a crystal ball and showed craig and me happy together in a year, i could give all the time in the world.  it is not knowing how he feels, not knowing what tomorrow will bring that makes time so hard.  i worry about what if i've misread everything he has said and done.  like, what if i am seeing a great thing in the fact that after i said i was going to call him in two weeks, he said "you can call wednesday if i want." what if he meant no great thing?  what if he said it only because he knew he would be lonely or homesick?  oh me oh life...

other things have happened in my life, believe it or not :-)  they may not take as much of my energy or thoughts, but... i finished reading "geography of the heart the other night.  wow, what a great book.  i really think everyone should read it.  i don't care what gender or sexual orientation.  it is a wonderful book.
i saw "girl interrupted" today.  it was a good movie.  i went into the theatre so happy (craig of course) that my manager wondered what was up!  i got added to a webring i thought i was already on (my mistake!) and i signed up for another.  and i listened in frustration as a friend told a story of how he let a cute guy get away while watching "mr. ripley".  and the guy even sat right next to him in an empty theatre!  man that must suck.

i work during the day tomorrow and wednesday.  so i'll call craiger when i get home from work after five.  i am really nervous that he will be all like, "why are you calling me?" and stuff.  i guess if he does he does.  i've done all i can.  and i have faith that i've done the best i can.  now it is up to fate, and craig.  wow, i feel better just writing that.  i guess that is the point of a journal dude :-)
peace
 

sunday, january 16, 2000
today has been a little down.  first off my beloved colts lost!  and, of course more importantly, craig moved to chicago this morning.  i was feeling quite down today.  i'm not sure there was any other way for me to feel.  i've been lonely for awhile.  i guess the thought of craig moving just made me feel lonelier.  i'm very glad he is there, for more than one reason.  but... if he is there, i can not see his smile...  it will be a long wait for me.  well worth it i hope, nonetheless, difficult.
i am very proud of myself as well.  amongst all that has happened i have not let myself draw too close.  you know how i feel about that.  if craig does choose not to do anything with me, i will have kept enough distance i should be ok.  that is good, but it might also be bad.  keeping that distance might cost me the guy i really like.  to have a chance, i'll have to open up, to get close.  opening up means being vulnerable... i don't know if i can do that again.

there is one thing i decided during this time that i have not written about yet.  i've decided about california and indiana.  about the job at the theatre.  i wrote this next part when i got out of bed today.  i laid in bed a long time thinking about me, about my future, about craig.  this came to my mind, so i wrote it.  it talks about thursday, the day i made this decision, after my lunch with craig...

after lunch i went to my favorite park.  i walked through the woods, across the shallow fork of the river, to the spot on the tiny island where i go to think, to live.
as i stood watching the winter river glide by in all it's majesty, the sun broke free of the clouds.  i watched as a shaft of light shimmered across the cold river until it met my face.  if there was just the smallest chance of sculpting a relationship with craig, here, in this land of my discontent, i would stay.  my heart given life again by that far off ember of possible love.
--
so, i will stay here.  i will wait.  i will give this a chance.  love, even at its most remote possibility, is worth the wait.
 

saturday, january 15, 2000
wow.  what a memorable weekend this has been.  surrounded by my friends, i've been able to find the courage to tell a really cute guy how i feel about him.  and his response to what i've told him can at the very least be called positive.

i know i didn't write much as far as telling you what happened, last night dude.  i just was feeling inspired to write something different.  well, needless to say, i told craig how i feel.  i don't want to forget the words i said, so... "i know you have a lot to deal with.  i would never do something to cause you more problems than  you already have.  that is why i didn't say anything yesterday.  i can't let you go to chicago without telling you how i feel.  i like you.  i think you are the nicest, cutest, most amazing guy i know.  my heart goes crazy when i'm around you.  i hope that when you get all this stuff worked out, you will give me a chance."  i also gave him this very journal so that he could read it.

i went back today.  my only intention was to let him know i did not have to work, just in case he wanted to do something with me.  well, as we talked (more than i ever have talked with him while he was working)  i basically said, you know what i feel.  is there a reason to pursue it?  his answer, "yes".   woo hoo!  we talked about his problems that hurt him.  i so much wish i could take away that pain.  it must hurt so much.  we talked about his future plans and my future plans.   he wants to live in california just like i do.  so way kewl!  i planned on calling him two weeks after he got to chicago.  he said, "if you want (like i wouldn't want to?!) you can call me wednesday."  he is so amazing.  so awesome.  i really hope that i get the chance to get to know him.

as you know dude, my gift from god in this life is the ability to know people in very deep ways.  to understand them even with knowing very little about them (i freaked out another friend this week by telling him what he was thinking and feeling before he told me!).  i have gotten to know a lot of people in this life so far.  craig is one of the most interesting, and possibly deep (ut oh, a challenge to figure him out?) guys i've ever met.  all that and he is so sensitive too.  although today he did upset me a little.  he told me what he did to this guy that was talking trash about him.  i just thought, "thank god i wasn't there cause i would have killed the dude for doing that to you".  i hate it when people hurt others.  i react in not so good ways when people hurt people i care about.

so... something just may be possible.  that would be so cool.  it will take time.  he needs time to heal.  we'll see what happens between now and then.  hopefully a really strong friendship grows.  well, i need to go to bed.  it is late.  before i go, i must say one more thing.  a good friend of mine told me tonight that he was going to be in the hospital this week.  he won't be able to email until the end of the week.  i am really worried about him.  he said not to worry, but dude, how can i not?  even if it is just to have his tonsils out, it is something.  he won't tell me what it is (which is cool) he says it is no big deal, but i'm still worried :-(  i'll be praying for him.

well, my eyes won't stay open anymore!
peace
 

friday, january 14, 2000
this day is one of a rare order.  a day that i will add to my memory as a beacon in this journey.  it will stand in the presence of only a few:  the day i accepted who i am,  the day i told the truth of who i am, for the first time,  the day i buried a close friend,  the day i brought in jesus as my friend, and (so much more understood now... ) savior.  life is blessed with precious few such days.  all too often we revel in them only through memory, having them pass without understanding exactly what is taking place.  today i lived each moment with the fullness of understanding exactly the grandeur of that which was unfolding before me.  today, the understanding of life got underway.

"Afterward we wrapped ourselves in blankets and watched as the moon freed itself of the radio tower and sank into the fog.  We talked a little about this and that - nothing important; end-of-the-day partner talk.  I wasn't paying much attention.  I was thinking about all kinds of pressing matters - what I was going to work on tomorrow and the impossible deadline I was facing and how was I going to make time for Larry amid all this work that was supposed to have been done yesterday, and somewhere in the middle of my thoughts he spoke up and said something like this:  "Love is like a ripe peach.  You take it when and where you find it, there's no point in letting it sit around.  If you're lucky enough to come across it, you'd better enjoy it right then and there."
   "Later that summer, when he grew really, evidently, seriously ill, I thought, as little as possible but inevitably, of what would become of me after he died.  I figured, of course, that a relatively young person who'd lost a great love would have a chance at such a love again - after all, that would be only fair.  Then Larry died, and time and more time passed, and I came to understand how fairness has nothing to do with how and when love arrives; that I can be grateful for love only when and while it's happening, when it's quite literally in the hand."
    -Fenton Johnson, Larry Rose - "Geography of The Heart"

i learned so much of life today.  each day is its own, to enjoy and understand.  i may live alone through this entire life, or i may find love tomorrow.  i know this, when love finds me, i will embrace it totally, each and every day it is given.

today for the first time in my life, i looked a beautiful guy in the eye and let flow from my heart, all that would.  i have never looked into the caring eyes of another man and said, "i like you.  you are nice, cute, amazing..."  if love will choose this avenue to my heart, i do not know.  however, of this i am sure; today a door opened on a path i shall travel the rest of my life.
 

thursday, january 13, 2000
DAMN!  why am i so... stupid!
here is this amazingly cute, amazingly charming, not to mention caring, loving and sweet, guy that i like.  a guy that just maybe likes me.  he is leaving town.  i buy him lunch before he leaves.  and what the hell do i do?  do i tell him how i feel?  do i in some way let him know i like him before he leaves?  hell no!  i just let him slip through my arms.  sigh.....
we had a great lunch other than that.  it was sooo nice to sit across from him and look into those beautiful eyes ( i think i could look into them for an eternity...) and have my heart melt every time he flashed that amazing smile.  and, when we left... he gave me a hug :-) that was so special.  at least i got to hold him in my arms once.
i felt really bad when i came home.  thank god bry was online.  he talked to me (so did katie, thanks angel!) and helped me beyond belief.  so.....
tomorrow morning i will get up early, call craig at work and ask him if i can see him one more time before he leaves.  i just can't let him move away without telling him how i feel.
i hope he has time, i hope it works out.
peace
 

wednesday, january 12, 2000
well, i really don't want to mention it, but it is what is on my mind, so...  tomorrow is lunch with craig.  i hope he is feeling better.  i really hope i don't do anything to make him feel worse.  to be honest i'm a little nervous.  i think because i don't know what to expect.  i can't imagine going through what he has gone through, i just don't want to do one thing that makes life worse for him.  most of all i just hope he is ok, and that he does what he needs to do for himself.

with all the thinking about craig, i forgot to tell you about a conversation i had at work on tuesday with my boss.  it was about forty five minutes of talking about mr. ripley and how we both liked it and how the gay guys were no problem at all.  she even said more about gay guys not bothering her at all.  then we talked about how my town and indiana are so closed minded and backward and how things will never change here.  she was so cool!  it was really great.  i know if i ever do come out totally, she will not care a bit.  she will not treat me different at all, and i know she will not stand for anybody at work doing it either!  so cool!

oh, and i must tell you, i did something i never thought i would have the guts to do... tonight i started the process to subscribe to XY magazine!  woo hoo, it will be coming right to my house!  scares the hell out of me!

well, i need to go to bed.  big day tomorrow, i'm going shopping after lunch! ;-)
peace

tuesday, january 10, 2000
well, today has been a ... day :-)
i've done a lot of thinking.  i was really happy yesterday.  happy to know that actually someone might like me.  that was way kewl!  but it was sad that craig is hurting so much.  very sad.  i hate that.  i hate to see friends hurting.  i just wish i could take it away.
then i was sad because he is leaving.  i won't get to see that beautiful smile anymore :-(
that has been my day, thinking about all of this.  not a bad day, when ever i think of friends it is not a bad day.  and, of course my new friends have all helped me so much!  if they give me permission, i will start using their names.  they have become an important part of my life.

well, i will get to buy craig lunch on thursday.  that is going to be cool.  let fate do her work :-)  maybe he will come back after a couple of months.  i hope.  but, most of all, i hope he does what he really needs to do.  if that is staying in chicago, then i hope he stays.

well, i'll write no more tonight.  you know what is on my mind.
believe it or not, i gave craig my web address!  if he should read this (?) i don't want to piss him off by writing too much.  so.....
peace
 

monday, january 9, 2000
wow!
today has been the most amazing day :-)
i am writing really early, before work.  but, i wanted to write while i was still feeling good.
lets see, first i got caught up on my sleep, that felt great.  then i was feeling so great and so confident after a long chat with a good friend last night, i decided to do something amazing (at least for me!)  i went to the mall!  i wanted to buy a ryan phillippe calendar, but they were gone, so instead i got one that had all this cool gay artwork on it.  so here i am, walking around the mall with a calendar of guys hugging, kissing, in bed... in a see through bag!  woo hoo!  then i went and got a card with a cute guy on it.  i sat in my fav spot, by the fountain, and i wrote.  after i finished, i signed it, sealed it, and then went to deliver it!  woo hoo!   thanks katie!
remember the really cute guy i wrote about before?  craig from the mall?  well, the card was for him.  so i took it into the store.  i really thought he might not be there.  he was.  he had the coolest hair color going on!  well, he talked to me, cool!  i thought he might be mad to see me there.  well, he said a lot in a few minutes... let me tell you, a lot.  i know why he was acting strange.  i also know it wasn't because of me.  that makes me feel alot better.  but, i'm kinda sad... his last day at the store is friday.  he is moving to chicago.  he says it is only for two months, but i really feel i will never see him again.  he is moving for personal reasons.  he has had a hard time. that makes me sad.  i wish he didn't have to go through it.  i'm sad too, cause i won't get to see him again.  the first dude i fell for after coming out to myself.  he'll always have some little place in my heart, i'm sure.  i wish something could have happened, he is sooo  cute!  you don't even understand!  he is sooo kind, nice, sweet, caring and CUTE!  whatever guy he chooses will be very lucky.  i wish him the very best in his life.  maybe one day...
peace craig
 

sunday, january 8, 2000
sorry i didn't write last night dude.  i was taking care of a friend and ran out of time.  commitments to this journal are only passed by commitments to my friends.

saturday night my sister and i saw "mr. ripley".  i don't know who enjoyed seeing jude law get out to the bath naked the most!

today i've been hanging out, chatting with friends and writing emails.  it has been great.  i watched "cruel intentions" tonight based on the recommendations of a friend.  well, she was right, ryan phillippe is a god!  i got to see the most amazing shot of his beautiful a**.  but the movie really pissed me off... well actually it didn't make me mad, it made me sad.  they had no problem having two str8 girls french kiss, but they wouldn't show the two very cute gay dudes doing anything, not even a little kiss.  it just isn't right.  why do i need or deserve less than str8 guys?  i long to see gay guys involved in normal aspects of love.  you know what i mean?  i just want to see guys holding hand, walking down the street together.  lying in bed talking, cuddling... i just want to see that i am normal.  why is that so hard?  thank god for good people like the ones that put the guy on dawson's creek.  to be honest i don't watch tv much, so i haven't seen it this season, but last season he was very real.  that is so cool.  i guess i just want a role model.  i want to know i'm normal.  i want to see guys on tv and in movies dealing with the same things i deal with, and having the same fun i want to have... isn't that what everyone wants from tv and movies?  why should i have to be any different?
peace

friday, january 7, 2000
we got direct tv today.  it is cool.  i did some work on my "cool stuff" page.  this will be short, cause it is late and i have to be at work again in the morning.  i'll have to decided about the job soon.

one of the things that i wanted to do with this journal was write about my thoughts about life and being gay.  i hope to do more of that.
tonight i was searching for a pik of an actor so i could send it to a friend of mine.  while i was searching different pages i found out something.  i guess there are many rumors that this particular actor is gay ( i won't say his name, it's not right to add to his problems).  i thought about that for awhile.  wouldn't it be cool if a cute, popular young actor came out?!  but, then i thought about him.  can you imagine?  i mean, dude, if i come out how many people will know?  maybe at best 100.  and of those, how many would care?  how about this poor guy.  if he came out how many people would know?  half the country.  and almost all of them would care.  he wouldn't be able to go anywhere without someone talking about it.  maybe he is gay, maybe he isn't.  the only thought i've had before has been about how nice it would be for me and how much easier it would be for me if a popular young actor came out.  i shouldn't have been so selfish.  it would be extremely hard for him to come out.  think about how hard it is for him being someone he is not, constantly under the spotlight.  if he does come out, i will be proud of him and support him, if he doesn't, i'll understand.  gay  or not, it must be so hard for him.  i'll be thinking about him.  i wish him peace.
peace
 

thursday, january 6, 2000
well, today was a cool day.  work was good.  i got to spend almost all the day, one on one with one of the guys that seems the most homophobic.  and you know what?  i think he might be salvageable.  i took my book to work.  when i'm projectionist i'm upstairs by myself, so it is safe.  this time the manager left for a meeting so i was reading.  i read one chapter that was a page and a half long.  i was crying my eyes out!  it was the guy, laying in bed reading to his lover who is dying of aids.  in the book he is reading he comes to a place that practically begs him to stop and tell his lover how much he loves him (something he hasn't been able to do so far).  he stops reading, thinks... and then starts reading again without saying anything... i'm crying just thinking about it.  if you read the whole story you would understand.  and this is a true story!  you just have to read this book dude!
i think i better read this book at home from now on.

at work today the guy who i had been talking to a few weeks ago.  the one who has a friend that is bisexual.  he also is a projectionist.  well, he worked today after me.  so he snuck up on me (a fav thing of the projectionist since it is dark!) and scared me.  he got me because i was totally engrossed in a movie i was watching.  guess which one?  yea, mr. ripley.  that is not the bad part.  the bad part is it was the scene with matt damen and jude law in speedos!  CAUGHT!  i know he noticed.  but he didn't say anything.  i guess i will find out if he is as cool as i think he could be :-)

i got to chat with a new friend tonight for the first time.  that was cool.  it is a sign that i've finally started to trust again.  trust is important, but it is hard.  i will keep working and working on it.   i also got to watch "she's all that" with freddy prinze jr.!  he is sooooo cute!  and i have the dvd, so i get to watch him over and over!  way cool!  and goffy!

you know what?  i think the world is a better place than i ever imagined.  i really think that me and all the guys like me, may... just may make it.
peace
 

wednesday, january 5, 2000
i won't write much tonight.  it is late and i'm tired :-0  i know, me the night owl, but i really am tired.  i think dealing with the "homo" stuff at work is using all my energy.
i watched "anna and the king" today after work.  it is really good.  then i came home and started writing emails.  i have a few new friends that i always want to write to first.  then i answer the others.  i have started to get some emails from people who stop by my page!  so cool!  it is 2 AM and i've been writing since 9PM.  but, it brings me a lot of joy!  so that makes today a good day!
peace
craig
 

tuesday, january 4, 2000
wow, what a  long journal last night.  i guess that is just what i was feeling :-)  btw, i just noticed i screwed up the date!  my first time, i'm sure not the last!  today, i got to read some more.  this book i'm reading is so great.  this is the part that has been on my mind all day,
"...now I know in my heart what before I understood only in my head:  We don't fall in love for reasons.  This is the source of love's meaning and of our obsession with it.  In an age where every phenomenon is assumed to have an explanation, love keeps us human; love taps us into mystery, into that which we can't control or explain: love, and grief.
   "To love is to willingly lower our defenses, a terrifying prospect in any time and place but especially so at a time and in a place where we perceive ourselves as having so much (HIV; violence; social, cultural, environmental degradation) to defend ourselves against.  To love is to give oneself over to another, to entrust to someone else a power that all good sense would have us reserve to ourselves.  So we give away some part of ourselves, to find that part returned to us tenfold, in ways we could never have predicted and cannot rationally understand.  Loaves and fishes.  Miracles happen."
-Fenton Johnson, "Geography of the Heart"

i've been trying to figure out what love is.  i think i finally have.
peace
 

monday, january 3, 1999
today was a nice day off.  i didn't do anything but relax, read and work on my page, and that was cool.  i didn't drag myself out of bed until 2pm.  chill dude, i was up at 10 am (not bad since i went to bed at 3am), i just stayed in bed and thought.  i've got some major decisions to make in the next few weeks.  i don't know if i wrote it yet or not, but the manager of the theatre called me to her office the other day.  i thought i was in trouble.  instead she told me she wanted me to think about starting training to become her assistant manager in the fall.  the assistant is leaving and she doesn't think any of the other "managers in training" are up to the job.  she wants me.  that feels really cool.  i told her i would have to think about it.  i'm not really excited about the idea of being a boss.  it is a lot more than just having control.  it also means you are responsible for everything.  if someone else doesn't do their job, the boss has the problem.  i like being responsible for me and me alone.  also, i've had thoughts that i want to move.  it has been between london or california.  i've pretty much decided it will be california.  there wouldn't even be a question, except she said she knows i want to go back to school, and the company will work around my school, even if i am full time.  that is a really big deal.  to be able to work full time and go to school full time is really ... amazing.  i mean working on a salary position.  i know a lot of people have to work full time while in school.  i did too.  a salaried assistant managers job is different than a minimum wage hamburger flipping job.  ughhhh.  so much to think about.  so much to decide.  i really want to be out of here.  i really want to live in california.  but i can't hardly pass up the chance to work and go to school full time.  i could get my masters really quick going full time.  the only thing is the manager can't guarantee anything.  she might not be with the company in the fall.  or one of the others might surprise her and she could give them the job.  of course if that happens i could just go to california.  ughhhhhh....... see why i was in bed until 2pm!  oh well, i'll figure it all out.  it will work out, i'm sure.   now, if i just had a boyfriend here, there would be no questions :-)

i'm writing early tonight, it isn't even midnight! i am going to go read for a few hours.  i love to read and i haven't been able to the last few days.  i just finished reading the matt damen interview in "the advocate".  man... i wish everyone could be like matt.  he is so cool.  one day, everyone will be like him, i have faith ;-)

i read this good article in my local paper today.  it is by a regular on the opinion page.  i just happened to catch it, i normally don't read the paper.  way too depressing.  this was a cool article.  it shows someone else also feels that a new age has dawned!  it was right under an article by some bigot named cal thomas.  he was ranting some homophobic religious nazi crap.  anyway i just want to put a little of the article here.  i'll try to get it on my page sometime soon.  i want my friends to be able to read it.
"Light the fireworks!  Fire the starting pistol!  Bang the drum!  The 21st century arrived 12 days early when the Vermont Supreme Court ushered in a new era of enlightenment:  The Vermont legislature must grant same sex couples all the legal protections and benefits of marriage, even if it chooses not to give actual marriage licenses.  Hold onto your party hats; this is not going to be your father's century.  This will be the century our nation learns to celebrate, yes celebrate, its gay citizens.  ... In a not-too-distant decade, the fear and loathing of gay people will be almost universally viewed as a primitive and bizarre prejudice that should have died out with the dinosaurs.... Matt Barton, a gay Michigan State University Sophomore, predicts by 2010, most men receiving unwanted male passes will be sophisticated enough to respond, "Thanks for the compliment, but i'm straight."  So, keep the noisemakers handy.  The 21st century will bring more delights than we can even imagine.  - Deb Price

woo hoo!!!!!  i can't wait.  each day we get closer.  hey, know what?  i'm going to have to come out soon.  if i wait too much longer, people will accuse me of just "joining the band wagon"!  cool!
peace
 

sunday, january 2, 2000
it is so cool to write "2000" in the date!
i'm still so excited about the future!  it just seems so bright!

i had my last "christmas" of the season today.  one of the videos my aunt and uncle gave me was "as good as it gets".  if they only knew how cool it is that they got me that flick!

i'm a little down today.  my colts got their butts kicked by the bills.  the bills!  of all the teams to get wacked by!  i just hope it helps them get ready for the playoffs!

i sent some emails to friends tonight, so i didn't get to read my book.  it has been a few days.  i miss it.  i have tomorrow off.  i think i'll force myself to stay away from the theatre ( i was going to watch a movie) and away from my dvd player.  maybe that will give me time to read and work on my page.  it was cool to learn a new thing last night.  i learned how to use targets to go to certain points in a page.  i'm going to get this html stuff down yet!  so cool!

i'm really happy about the new friends i'm making on the web.  so far it seems i've been really lucky to have some really nice, cool people that have become friends.  it makes me feel good, and helps me a lot.  i think i'm going to work really hard to try and break out of this "trust no one" view.  i'll try to not keep people so far away.  i know it means taking a chance.  but, as best bud likes to tell me, "at least you got to dance".  if i don't trust, they will never become good friends.  we all need friends.  close friends.  good friends.  friends that will be there to share the good times and help us through the hard times.  i don't think any gay guy can make it if he doesn't have those friends.  the more i think, the more i believe that making those friends is just as much about my willingness to trust as it is someone else's willingness to be my friend.
peace
 

saturday, january 1, 2000
today has been really good :-)  i'm still riding the high of the new year!  even with only four hours sleep!  at work, my best bud came to see me about the time i got off work, so we went and ate, hung out... it was cool.  he was down.  of course i won't say why (girls... poor straight guys ;-)
it feels great that another person knows i'm gay!  it was cool to see my sister today.  to look at her and know that she knew!  no more secrets!

i just watched "south park, bigger, longer & uncut".  my thoughts... it sucks.  no, i apologize...  it was the biggest piece of shit i've ever seen.  i'm tired of being bashed, i don't give a rats ass if it is in a "comedy".  how many times did they say, "fagot", or "gay"?  millions, and it was always negative.  and of course there is the great gay icon, "big gay al".  then, every other word from terance & philip was gay bashing to the extreme.  as if that wasn't enough, saddam hussein and satan as gay lovers?!  i'm tired of being bashed, but being told to "chill, it's just comedy!".  it's not about being angry, it's about being hurt.  is this stuff really what the world sees when they see me?  would it be comedy if these little punk ass kids were calling african americans the "n" word?  what if they were using every other word to rip on women or asians, hispanics, or any minority?  society wouldn't stand for it.  but gay guys, hey no problem, kick the shit out of them, no one cares.  it is wrong.  it's just wrong.  if i ever expect the world to change, i can't take part in this "comedy" that rips on me and my friends.  if i do, i'm saying it's ok.  it is not ok.  it's got to stop.
i'm saying good bye to south park & its bigotry.  good riddance.
 

friday, december 31, 1999 / saturday january 1, 2000 - HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!
WOO HOO!!!  i am not sure i've ever been happier to be alive!  it is 2000!  we made it!  it is so way kewl!!!
here's to a new millennium!  may it be a new day, in which we can all live true to who we are!
here's to the 21st century!  that in it we will see an end to the bigotry and hatred of the 20th century!
here's to friends, new and old!  the life blood of us all!
here's to new hope, that it fills each of our hearts, taking away all that has brought pain!
here's to love, that it will find us each and stay for a lifetime!
here's to peace for us all!
a new millennium, the dawn of a new age that stands waiting for us all to live a new and wonderful life!  cheers!

i got off work early!  as i watched all the celebrations around the world, i don't think i have ever felt so much a part of an entire world community.  it feels great!  why not?!  we are all the same.  why should boarders keep us apart?  the greatest thing about this days celebrations around the world, it has shown us the humanity that we so often doubt.  what a wonderful place to live, what a wonderful time to be alive!

i feel so happy!!!  i wish i could have all my friends and family around me right now!  before i go off-line tonight, i'm going to email my best friend.  he has been trying to say he is sorry.  i've not been accepting.  tonight i will.  in this new age, i'll forgive, and accept back a friend!  and, the most special thing about this dawning of a new day, i came out to my sister tonight!!!  woo hoo!!!  she is only the second person i've told!  her response, "why did you wait so long to tell me?"  she was happy!  i felt so good!  she was so cool!  she made me feel great.  she talked about how it wasn't right that i didn't feel i could be who i really am.  she didn't care one bit that i am gay!  i wish i could write all night, but, i've got to be back at work in a few hours!

before i finish this journal on this special night, i want to say thanks to all my friends.  i don't have as many as i wish, but the ones i have are very special.  new and old, thank you friends.  you've given me hope, love and peace.  you're the reason i can smile, be happy and look with anticipation to the new day ahead.  together we will prevail.  together we will make this new age a day in which gay, straight, lesbian, bisexual, transgender can all live, together in peace and happiness!
peace, to us all