wednesday, january 24   2001
one of my grandpas is in the hospital.  lying in a bed, near death.  grandma will remove him from life support tomorrow.  it must be so hard for her, but, he has been in so much pain, he didn't want to live this way.  it has been hard dude.  especially since the only phone call i received all day letting me know what was going on, was from my brother in law, who mainly wanted to make sure i could take care of my niece.  that really hurt.  it's times like this more than any other, i wish i had someone... at least a friend to talk to, you know?  to make it not so bad i guess.  when i finally called my sister on her phone i talked to her about how things were, then i got upset and yelled at her because no one had called me, and then i started crying... holding everything in i guess.

it puts everything in perspective.  why we hide, how we live, what we achieve, what we never do...

peace, finally you will have peace.
goodbye...
 

monday, january 22   2001
hey dude.  i just spent five or six hours working on my car.  master cylinder on the brakes, valve cover gasket, spark plugs and all the stuff to get to those things.  it was fun.  i was by myself, working, concentrating on what i was doing.  i needed that i think.  it was nice to just chill.  not to think about life or anything.  tomorrow i'll finish up putting things back together, change oil, put in a new pvc valve and fix the muffler.  i should have taken pictures dude!  i'm sure it was funny to see me craw clear up on the engine.  i was soooo grease monkey.  maybe i could have found a guy with a grease monkey fetish :-)

i liked being by myself, but if i could change one thing i wish i had someone to talk to while working.  you know, someone to talk about life, someone to bounce things off of.  i've been kinda down with my life.  i thought this new promotion would be a great step.  but i just feel like i'm... spinning my wheels.  achieving nothing, doing nothing... wasting away my life.

dude, sometimes we get so caught up in life, we loose sight of the simple things.  i was reading my niece one of her favorite books at bed time last night.  it ended with an amazing passage... so simple, and so profound...

"Plus here's another happy thing.  'Cause this morning there was more drool on my pillow.
Only I am not that worried.
'Cause it was from Raggedy Ruth, I bet.  Or else maybe it was from Philip Johnny Bob.
Or maybe it was even from me.
But that does not mean I'm a baby.
'Cause everybody drools on their pillow once in a while!
My very own mother told me that.
And she would not even lie to me...
probably."

-Barbara Park, "Junie B. Jones Has a Monster Under Her Bed."
 
 

tuesday, january 16   2001
i feel pretty good dude :-)  i received a great email from a new visitor to my page.
my boss at work found out some cute friend of hers is gay so she is determined to have me meet him.  i'm like, "if he is cute why would he be interested in me?"  lol, she is like, "you are cute?!"  she is so nice.
i was able to deal with an issue concerning my ex... whatever he was.  that is a weight off of my shoulders.  i'm not sure what is happening, but i'll do my very best to be his friend.  i think we can still do that... i hope so.
there is a dude from this message board that i use to frequent.  i don't go there much any more, but i've gone there today.  he lives in indiana.  he is having a hard time... conservative community and parents and such.  so i emailed him.  that is cool.
and i bought the new XY, it is a very cool anniversary recap of all the best of the past issues.  and the advocate has and interview with jason gould (he is sooooo cute!) so i can't wait to read that.
and, john ashcroft was getting a royal going over today :-)  that was wonderful to see :-)
and i started wearing my rainbow bracelet again today.  it is a symbol of who i am, and who knows, maybe a cute guy will see it and come over to talk? :-)  of course it often makes me think of the good friend who bought it for me.  i miss him, but... you do all you can and then you go on with life.  what else can you do?  i'll wear it and remember the good times.  and if it helps me get a guy... i know, where ever rony is at, what ever he is doing, it would make him happy to know he helped out.
time for bed, work in the morning you know :-)
peace
 

sunday, january 14   2001
i often wonder, "why me?"  what did i do to be treated like this?
my best bud says, "because God knows you are strong enough."
i wish i had his faith.  many things i may be... scared, unsure, fearful, afraid, sad and lonely... but strong?  no.

O me!  O life!  of the questions of these recurring,
Of the endless trains of the faithless, of cities fill'd with the foolish,
Of myself forever reproaching myself, (for who more foolish than I, and who more faithless?)
Of eyes that vainly crave the light, of the objects mean, of the struggle ever renew'd
Of the poor results of all, of the plodding and sordid crowds I see around me,
Of the empty and useless years of the rest, with the rest me intertwined,
The question, O me! so sad, recurring - What good amid these, O me, O life?

                                        Answer.
That you are here - that life exists and identity,
That the powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse.

tonight dude, i'm sure my verse is loneliness.
thanks uncle walt, but.... i think i'll sit this play out.
peace
 

We two boys together clinging,
One the other never leaving,
Up and down the roads going, North and South excursions making,
Power enjoying, elbows stretching, fingers clutching,
Arm'd and fearless, eating, drinking, sleeping, loving,
No law less than ourselves owning, sailing, soldiering, thieving, threatening,
Misers, menials, priests alarming, air breathing, water drinking, on turf or the sea beach dancing,
Cities wrenching, ease scorning, statutes mocking, feebleness chasing
Fulfilling our foray.

    - Walt Whitman
 
 

saturday, january 13   2001
i'm tired dude.  tired from working all night and then sleeping five hours and getting up to do it all over again.  but i'm more tired from being... feeling alone.  i'm not even close to happy.  this job... i'm not happy with it at all.  i feel so much like a monkey going through the motions.  one of my friends said to me tonight, "maybe you are just un-happy in general, maybe it has nothing to do with the job."  i think he is right.  every day is blah... i do nothing, achieve nothing and have no one.
i thought i would be happy with this job... but the emptiness is still there.  on the movie "broken hearts club" the sister of one of the gay guys said, "you said you came out  because you were tired of being un-happy all the time.  well... i haven't seen you happy since you came out."
why?
who knows... who will ever know.
well, back to my pizza and strawberry daiquiri

My love is like to ice, and I to fire:
How comes it then that this her cold so great
Is not dissolved through my so hot desire,
But harder grows the more I her entreat?
Or how comes it that my exceeding heat
Is not allayed by her heart-frozen cold,
But that I burn much more in boiling sweat,
And feel my flames augmented manifold?
What more miraculous thing may be told,
That fire, which all things melts, should harden ice,
And ice, which is congealed with senseless cold,
Should kindle fire by wonderful device?
Such is the power of love in gentle mind,
That it can alter all the course of kind.
    - Edmund Spenser
 
 

friday, january 12   2001
well dude, here we are, in the age of the space odyssey... why do i feel like i'm on the most boring journey of any man's life?
i've gotten this promotion and stuff, and i'll get to go to grad school (i hope), but i feel ... empty, totally unfulfilled.  like i'm just existing.  maybe it is just a bad few days... it isn't about not having a boyfriend, i've given up on that.  i'm not even looking, expecting... nor do i even care anymore.  love... i doubt it even really exist, and quite frankly i don't care anymore.  it has been painful enough to me, and i've never even found it.  so forget relationships, i'd rather go it alone.
if i don't care about that stuff, then why this feeling of wasted time and life?  i don't know.  maybe it is the job thing.  maybe it is where i'm living... i don't know.  maybe being around other gay guys would be better.  who knows...

dr. martin luther king jr. day is today.  he has always been one of my favorite guys to study.  all that he did... maybe i can learn from him.  he seemed happy with his life... lol, why not he led his people to freedom.  kind of an important thing.
 
 

wednesday, january 10   2001
wow, a new year already.  i'll have to get busy on changing this page.
well let me see... things aren't going so well with my friend.  he won't talk to me.  he seems very angry at me when he does talk to me.  it makes me sad, but i really don't know what more i can do.  the only thing i can figure to do is wait and hope... and that is so hard.

i received a promotion at work.  i'm going to be the assistant manager at the theater.  it isn't chicago... but it will give me a full time job, which i think i'm finally ready for.  it will allow me to move out with a couple of cool friends of mine.  and it will allow me to get the two classes i need before i can get into grad school.  so it is a good opportunity.  it will be a lot of work.  it will be fun... but there are times i wonder what i've gotten myself into.

tonight the show, "anatomy of a hate crime" was on Mtv.  i taped it because i was at work.  right now on Mtv they are running 17 straight hours of list of hate crimes.  it is a scroll running across the screen telling the details about the crimes.  they are read by famous people.  it is totally amazing that Mtv would do this.  i'm very thankful for them and their courage.

as i listen to some of the hate crimes against gays... i get really scared.  as i get more and more out... i know any of those things could happen to me.  i live in a very hateful community in a very hateful state.  sometimes i get scared about leaving work late at night, or about coming home late at night.  some one could so easily follow me or be waiting on me.  i can tell more and more people are learning i'm gay, by the way they look at me when they come into the theater.  i guess i feel like it is just a matter of time before someone full of hate decides to beat me straight.

i wish more people would take a stand.  not just believe hate is wrong, but actually do something about it.  ~sigh~
FightForYourRights.MTV.com