saturday, january 26   2002
it's about being happy.  this life.  our purpose.  we strive every day.  struggle.  breath.  live... why?  to find happiness.
love.  friends.  money.  bois.  sun.  beaches.  family.  truth.  inspiration.
happy.  how.  why.
that is what it is about.  a life of happiness.
that is why we come out.  why we struggle, cry, fear, cling.  that is why we live.
happiness.  happiness
 
 

we've only just begun to live
a kiss for luck and we are on our way
we've only begun
before the rising sun we fly
so many roads to choose
start out walking and learn to run
and yes, we've just begun
 
 

friday, january 18   2002
i has been awhile dude.  life you know...
trying to keep going after ryan and then a few weeks later i found out one of the guys on the mb i go to died the day after ryan.
trying times.
a few days after ryans funeral i was asked to run a theater in indiana.  i've also interviewed for a job in chicago, at a hospital.
i don't want to move to indiana.  i want to run a theater.  i'm scared of the job at the hospital.  i'm sad about leaving all my friends.
i feel all alone.  i'm really depressed.  i came here to be happy.  to start a new life.  i have done that.  now i have to close this chapter in my life and move on... even though i don't want to.  i'm afraid.  afraid the freedom and joy i have will leave.  i can think about nothing but sadness right now.  hopefully tomorrow will be better.
last night i watched a movie, 'orange county'.  it inspired me to write.  more than i have been inspired in a long time.  i hope that the inspiration can continue through the depression and sadness.
sometimes i'm very proud to be gay.  proud to be out.  proud of what i've made it through.  sometimes i wonder if i shouldn't go back into the closet.
this job decision has taken the best of me.  i'm totally mentally wasted.
 

friday, january 4   2002
i will miss ryan.  his smile.  his happiness.  his laugh.  his kindness.  i will miss him but i will never forget him.
i went to ryan's viewing today.  in the catholic church it is called a wake i guess.  i didn't cry.  i'm not sure why.  shock i think.  i still don't believe it.
i will cry.  it is coming.
i have decided not to go to the funeral tomorrow.  my boss is being so very kind.  he closed tonight, but said he would open if i wanted to go.  he tried to convince me i should.
i'm a little upset that the friends who said they weren't going to the funeral, now are, and they kind of left me out of the loop.  it hurts.  but i've learned to trust no on when it comes to important things in my life.  this should be no different.
i'm not going to the funeral because it will be about a ryan i didn't know.  there will be no talk of ryan being gay, or his boyfriends.  our trips to boystown or pride or market days or train rides.  it will be about ryan's youth, and his family.  i want to remember ryan as i knew him.  not as others knew him.
ryan has touched my life.  in seven months he made a major impact that i will never forget... that will last a lifetime.  he may have crossed over, but he is still here, in my heart.
 

tuesday, january 1   2002
i talked to jake today.  he helped so much.  he said that i can't expect to handle everything in one day.  i should deal with what i can today and save the rest for tomorrow.  i'm trying as best i can.
he reminded me that ryan's pain is over.  he is happy now.  i love jake so much.  i hope he knows that.
i'm still in shock.  i really can't comprehend.  i still think if i call him, he'll answer the phone.
christopher talked to me for a long time tonight.  that helped out a lot.  lance talked to me tonight.  it was so nice to not feel alone here in the apartment.  lance is such a nice guy.   jen chatted with me too.  she is having a tough time.  she helped me a lot.  mostly by getting me angry by bringing sellie up.  it was a nice break from mind numbing sadness.
i can hardly focus on anything right now.  i'm just doing the motions.  trying to stay alive.
i noticed on sunday that ryan had changed his voice mail message.  i didn't think much about it.  he always made fun of the fact that he was horrible at returning calls.  his old message said something about i might call you back, or it might be a month.  his new one said something like, if i call you back, great.  if i don't, have a nice life.
all i remember for sure is the "have a nice life."  i knew he was depressed.  how the hell could i miss that?
i don't blame myself.  i wish things could be different.  i wish i could have been a better friend.  i wish i could have helped him.
i'm going to tell my parents.  no more secretes.  and i'm going to fight hard to make this world a place were my friends don't have to be so afraid of who they are that they can not live.
i'll never know why ryan.  and i don't have to.  i know i miss you.  i know you hurt.  i know you're ok now.  i love you my friend.  i will never forget.