tuesday, july 19   2000 (11:58pm)
wow.  it has been a long time.  part of my problem is i'm tired of netscape composer.  i'm trying to find another program.  but mostly i'm busy getting ready for rony to arrive.  he will be here in four days.  i can't wait!  woo hoo!

there is a lot to update on dude, but i'm really tired so i'll save it for tomorrow.  just some stuff... nick and jamie are becoming really great friends.  i came out to my brother in law.  i'm pissed beyond belief at my parents.   well, off to bed.
can't wait for rony to be here!  woo hoo!
peace
 

thursday, july 6   2000 (2:05 a.m. fri.)
sooo.... let's see...
i'm working on coming out to my brother.  scares me, but hey...
i almost did it by accident!  on july fourth i was out late with joe and john  after nick and jamie went home.  we went to get something to eat at one of the only places open, a little convenience place.  well, it was like one thirty in the morning.  of course i was saying what ever i wanted... i got to the counter and was paying when the girl said, "your brother says you have to pay double."  i was like, "what?!"  she said, "your brother, he is sitting over there."  and guess what, there he was sitting at a table with a couple of friends!  omigod!  i could have soooo easily said something... wow.

i've decided about the theatre stuff.  i've had my name pulled for consideration as assistant.  i'm done being screwed by the company.  i need to move on.

i am soooo looking forward to rony's trip!  i'm trying to figure out the cost and if i will be able to go to new york with him.  i so hope i can, but it may not work out.  i can't wait to see him. :-)

one of my friends... i won't use his name cause i haven't asked him yet... i'll just call him E.  well, anyway, E sent his picture to me.  oh wow.  this dude could be a model i think.  amazing eyes and a face to die for.  why can't i have those looks?  lol... well at least i know a dude who is so cute.  hispanic guys... asian guys... just beautiful, absolutely beautiful.  E will have a great boyfriend someday!
peace
 

sunday, july 2   2000 (12:15 a.m. mon.)
today was a good day.  it was my birthday.  it started off really great.  i woke up and chatted with rony for four hours :-)  he is the best.  he got my day off to a great start.  his present to me (besides being my best friend :-)  was giving me a trip to the zoo... one of my fav places.  so i took my niece and sister and spent the afternoon at the zoo.  it was really nice.  thank you rony :-)
on the way to the zoo i came out to my sister.  she was surprised, but she didn't care.  we talked about it for awhile.  she is more out going than my older sister.  it was nice to talk to her some.
then we came home and grilled out for dinner and had cake and ice cream.  it was nice.  it was just my sister, niece, mom and dad.  so not to big, which is what i wanted.
three of my friends wished my a happy birthday over the net.  that was really nice of them.
so it was a great day.

wow, what a year... :-)
i'm gay!  a year ago i would never ever have accepted that.  wow.  i've come a long long way.  i have a web page about being gay.  i've come out to myself.  to friends, to my sisters.  i've had a boyfriend.  i've bought gay magazines and books and movies.  i've tried to do what i can to help others.  i've had so many emails and chats trying to help guys.  i hope i have done something good.  i have made friends with two really cool gay guys around here.  i've gone from wearing a trench coat, sunglasses and a cap when i buy my gay mags, to walking up at anytime no matter who is around and buying what ever i like, and then asking that it not be put in a bag.  i will remember for a long time, that dude at the book store about a month ago.  when joe and i were looking at mags and i noticed the dude, obviously scared, sneaking up to the gay mags.  i made a bee line over to the gay section and started talking to joe about the cute guys.  the dude backed off at first, but then he came around.  i just wanted to let him know he wasn't alone.  i guess i've gone from being that very dude, to trying to help that very dude.  i've a long way to go, i know... but i've come a long way.  i'm not scared of what others may think of me, or how they may judge me.  i'm not scared to be gay anymore.  i've come out to people i was sure would hate me, and they have done nothing but cared about me.

there have been some great freedoms gained in the last year.  and some bitter disappointments.  but we've stepped ahead.  we've let more people realize that gay isn't some extreme fringe, rather it is their friend, neighbor, brother or sister.  that changing face of homosexuality, more than anything in the world, will one day bring our freedom.

i feel older.  i feel like i've been through a war over the past year.  i guess i have.  a war with myself.  i think i have finally conquered that fear.  now the battle to be free to be who i am begins.
:-) i think if i didn't bleach my hair i would be totally gray :-)

rony, i wish you were here... to toast a year gone by.  a year full of pain, joy and growth.  a year that was the most important in my life.  and to ring in a coming year that will undoubtedly bring a new life :-)
to a new life!  to a new life...
i look forward with great joy, to spending my new life with my best buddy in the whole world.  a half world away, or a half mile away... you will always be close to my heart.
god willing, next year we can toast together.
peace