tuesday, june 27   2000   (2:42 a.m. wed.)
i just finished watching the patriot.  wow.  it was really good.  mel gibson is great as always.  and heath ledger... oh man!  so cute!!!  sigh...
it was cool to say things about how cute he was and have the others laugh or comment about it.  just like it was a normal thing.  it made me feel great.  one guy even started pointing out others in the movie, "hey craig how 'bout him?!"  :-)  and he was sitting a row and a half away so everyone heard him. :-)

i've had talks with the district manager and the new manager today.  things look promising that they will offer me the assistants job.  it will not pay well, but it will allow me to get out of the house, and go to school full time, which i want very much.  i will not be happy until i have my counseling degree, and that will only happen when i get back to school.  if i can find a room mate it will be great.

one of the girls at work told me about this job she has.  it is for a maximum of ten days.  pays 7 to 8 dollars an hour.  6 or 7 hours a day.  if i can do it (she will check tomorrow) it should make me about 300 dollars for the trip with rony.  that is so cool.  cause i've been worried about it.  plus there is a 50 dollar bonus if i stay until the job is done, the full ten days.

i've been thinking about my family, and coming out to them... ~sigh~... it is a hard thing.  it has been on my mind for a while.  that and something else that has been on my mind has kept most any other thoughts at bay.  i haven't slept hardly a wink in three nights.  oh me oh life...
i think i've figured the family thing... the movie tonight taught me, inspired me...
courage... now is the time.  there may always be a better time.  there may always be a better day ahead...  a day when we will feel stronger and better ready to face our demons... but that day will always lie in the future.  it is courage that makes us look in our hearts and face our fears, today... and it is courage that allows us to live free in conquest over our fears.  courage.
so i believe i shall start with courage... telling my brother and sisters and then my mother and father... and then it will be done.  and freedom will finally ring.
peace
 

sunday, june 25   2000   (1:16 a.m. monday)
i can't believe another month has almost passed.
i've been thinking about rony's visit.  i can't wait!  woo hoo!  i've been making a list of all the things we will do.
i will talk to my sister tomorrow.  i think it is time to tell mom.  that scares the hell out of me, but i think it is time.  tomorrow is pride day.  and i need to tell her before rony gets here.  i don't know.  i worry about mom, bud dad... dad scares the hell out of me.  he has controlled me my entire life.  i've never felt worthy or adequate to him.  so... the idea of telling him really really really scares me.  i'm kinda... i don't know.  i just know it is time and i need to before rony is here.  i think... i don't know.  i suppose that could make things strange when rony is here.  there son comes out to them and then a few weeks later this dude is staying for two weeks...
that is what i'll talk to sis about tomorrow.  how much people already know.  i think that my parents prolly know.

other than that... not much the last few days.
my friends all seem to be going off the deep end... :-)  lol, and i'm the stable one!  wow... if that isn't jacked!
i am very much thinking of adding a message board to my page dude.  any maybe one of the guest books.  and getting it ready for wider publication.  i'm still only on a few web rings.  no search engines or anything.
well, i promised rony i would be in bed early so i could get some sleep, so i better get there.
peace
 

thursday, june 22   2000
well, today has been... well today we made it official... my boyfriend and i broke up.  it was a mutual thing.  it was the right thing.  i care about him a great deal, and i know he cares about me.  but right now he can't commit to anyone.  not until he looks deep into his heart and takes care of what is there.  we will be friends for a long long time.  and who knows... when he gets things worked out, you never know what could happen.

funny, i'm not upset.  maybe because i knew it was going to be this way.  maybe because i know it is the best.  maybe because it is mutual.  i'm not sure.  i do know that i'm very happy with the time i had.  a friend of mine, vince, was telling me how he learned so much from a short relationship.  it was the same stuff i learned.  that i am worthy.  that someone could actually care about me.  i feel really good about the time i had with my first boyfriend.  i wouldn't give it away for anything.  am i sad it is over?  sure, he made me feel like i've never felt before.  but sometimes life just needs to go in a different way.

my friend francis gave me this quote tonight.  i don't think he knew i broke up with my boyfriend today.  if he knew how great his timing was :-)
"If someone comes into your life and becomes a part of you but for some
reasons he couldn't stay, don't cry too much... just be glad that your
paths crossed and somehow he made you happy even for a while."

my sweet prince, even though we were together for only a little while, you did make me happy, very happy.  i wish you all the happiness you could ever possibly have.  we may say good bye to being boyfriends, but our friendship will never end.  i love you my friend.
peace
 
 
 

monday, june 19   2000
i realized something tonight.  i am very lucky.
i have a best friend who cares so much about me.  what else do i need?  all my life i've hoped and dreamed of having someone close, of having a friend who cared.  now i have it.  i have a best friend who loves me for just who i am.  i've longed for that my whole life, never thought i would have it, and now i do!  woo hoo!
rony, i love you.  you are so important to me!  you are the greatest!  thank you so very much for being there for me.  you are without a question my best friend.  near or far, you always will be.
 

sunday, june 18   2000
i haven't written much dude, i know.  sorry.  i've had massive computer problems.  lost over a years worth of important personal email, lost my icq message history, my modem died, lost all my info on netscape, all my bookmarks... ugh!

life has been pretty good up to now.   i've been happy, really happy at times.
but life doesn't like to smile on me much :-P
oh well, i'm use to that.
"sometimes i do what i want.  the rest of the time i do what i have to."  that is from the Gladiator...  a great movie btw.
i had a string of good things.  i actually conned myself into thinking they might last, that life might have finally let up on me.  lol, what a fool!
work was going great
i had a boyfriend
my best friend was looking at maybe moving close by
a good friend wanted to be my roommate, which opened all kinds of things
everything i thought and did was falling into place
life felt good.
and now, well...
work...  has turned terrible again.  i'm leaving as soon as possible, they will not treat me like crap anymore.
boyfriend... i did my normal thing and moved too fast, misconstrued things and saw what was never there to begin with.
best friend... today he basically let me know there was a better chance of snow showers in hell than him moving near by.  and that is good, because it means he is happy.  and that, above all else, is what i want.  still makes me feel sad...
roommate... told me tonight it wasn't happening.  he changed his mind.  for good reasons for him, but it still kills all the things i looked forward too.
~sigh~
i feel like just taking off.  driving until i run out of money, landing where ever i get and just... i don't know, live...
there is an old song by whitesnake.  the first time i heard it i knew it was going to be my anthem...
"here i go again.  on my own again.  down the only road i've ever known..."

sometimes i wonder... if you knew the bad things were coming, maybe you could prepare for them.  i don't think it would work.  you would spend all your time up to the bad things, worrying about them and figuring how to stop them, even though you knew you couldn't.
well i guess i'll go to bed.  see what tomorrow holds.  a friend recently told me that when i have a bad day i should go to bed learning from it so i can help make the next day not as bad.  lol, don't think that works for guys like me :-)
peace
 

wednesday, june 14 2000
i will see you again.  but not yet.  not yet.
 

wednesday, june 7   2000
WOO HOO!
today has been a most amazing day!  one that i think i will remember for my entire life.
life has handed me one truck load of shit after another my entire life.  finally good things are happening :-)
today two things have happened that i've hoped for for a long time.

the most important one was... i now have a     BOYFRIEND!!!!  that's right!  woo hoo!  he called me his boyfriend!  omigod you don't know what that felt like dude!  i feel sooooooooo stoked!!!  i never thought that would ever happen!

and then, later today, my friend joe's friend nick...  the one i've written about before dude... we played basketball and we got to talk!  it was sooo... oh wow!  i've wanted to get to know him for so long and it finally has happened!  i get to help him!  woo hoo!  and his boyfriend!  woo hoo!  and he will help me too!  i never thought it would happen!  we talked about a lot of things.  it made me feel so good that he felt he could talk to me!  oh man dude, you don't even know!  i feel great!

i'm not sure i've ever felt so good!  i have a boyfriend, and i get to become friends with someone i have so much respect and admiration for!
woo hoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 

sunday, june 4   2000
~sigh~
i have never felt this way.  i can not stop thinking about him.  he is on my mind all day.  no matter what happens, there he is.  and this feeling, oh wow... this little tickle in my soul, that wells up and electrifies my entire being....~sigh~
he has my heart.  and i've never felt sooooooooo good!  woo hoo!!!!!!!
i feel like i'm going to explode!  woo hoo!
WOO HOO!
all i can think is that this is a dream.   it feels too good to be real.
~sigh~ i just want to hold him again.
 
 

saturday, june 3   2000
without question i am happier than i have ever been.

today i heard the voice of an angel.  he put my fear aside, held me close and gave me peace.
in his smile i found kindness
in his heart i found peace
in his soul i found hope
in his eyes i found eternity
as he held me in his arms i felt the magic of emotions unknown
i pray this angel of god, with his soft velvet wings and majestic voice finds rest near me.
 
 

friday, june 2   2000
i still have this peaceful easy feeling.  i'm not sure why.  i still don't have control of my life.  good things are happening, true... but good things have a habit of slipping through my fingers... that or turning around and hitting me like a mack truck.
so, i'm not sure what this easy feeling is about or why it exist.  and i'm not going to try to figure it out, cause i'm sure it will be gone soon enough.  so i'll just enjoy it while i have it.
 

thursday, june 1  2000
i've heard stories of mystical days.  days set aside as though created by the dream weaver himself.
once in a lifetime days, when all around you suddenly changes.  things you thought never possible suddenly bound into reality.  dreams left unspoken, no longer seen as the faint beacon of a distant light house, rather the brightest noon day sun.
in an instant a whisper turns to a roar, you turn and realize that dreams are made of hopes and hopes... when they all come crashing together, make a day like no other.  a day of magic, before only imagined in the mind of the dream weaver himself.

and you run to embrace the giver of dreams.  to thank him, as you start your journey.  a journey of dreams you never allowed yourself to believe possible.