tuesday, march 28, 2000
i would be lying if i kept saying the whole "fagot" thing didn't bother me much.  it has.  it has ripped me pretty good.  i have become sickened with the idea i'm gay.  the though is revolting to me.  at times i wish i had never started this coming out thing, then i could hide it all.  hide it from the world, hide it from myself.  i'm just not ready.  maybe i never will be.  maybe i need to shut the closet door, lock it and throw away the key.
sometimes i wander if it is just me, or if everyone is this lonely.  all i want most is some one i can talk to.  some one i can trust.  some one i know is sincere and honest.  some one who really cares.  some one who wants to understand.  i guess such a person doesn't exist.  what a lonely life.  maybe they do exist.  and maybe if i ever find them, i'll be able to continue this coming out.  someone to share with, to cry with, to care with.  maybe someday.  right now i've been ripped so hard.  it has shaken my entire world.  and through it all i've kept completely silent, because there is no one i will talk to.  no one i can open up to.  no one i trust.  coming out would be so much more difficult.  i can not do that alone.  i just can not.  maybe i should get a girlfriend.  for some reason a few of them find me cute.  i suspect a lie is better than hell.
 

monday, march 27, 2000
we rise each day, fighting each day.  because, we are who we are.  they did not give us happiness, they can not take it away.

dreams seem like far off stars... sometimes i think stars are closer.
life lies somewhere between dreams and death.  who knows, maybe dreams are simply smiles who have reached their destiny.

i was called fagot for the first time the other day.  it was a little surreal.  nothing major... i knew it would happen sooner or later, and i know it will happen many more times.  i don't mean it didn't hurt, of course it did.  but it is kind of like being beaten up by the school bully.  when you know it is coming, it is somehow a little easier to take.  i can understand how my african american friends feel when someone calls them n***er (i will never say that word).  no different than fagot really.  the point is the same i mean... to make sure we understand we are different, we are a little less human, we are not welcome, but, if we are lucky we will be tolerated... as long as we don't move in next door.
and when they say it, there is nothing you can do.  you can not defend your self.  you are after all the fagot.  only others can defend you.  and if they choose not to, all you can do is walk away... with you head held high, or, hanging low.  most often hanging low i suspect.  however, there are those special days, every now and then, when you find an inner strength that is just enough to hold your head up, even if for only a brief moment.  and somehow that little gesture brings peace... even if for only that brief moment.

and they say the 21st century is not an age of enlightenment?!
what a wonderful life.
 

saturday, march 25, 2000
why do we have to legitimize who we are?
why do we have to fight for the right to exist?
why do they make us live a life of rising each morning to face the decision of whether we have enough fight left to live yet another day?

wednesday, march 22, 2000
i enjoy sitting outside.  gazing into the night sky, breathing fresh country air.  it brings me peace.  it reminds me god is watching over me.
i think that is one of the things i will miss most when i am in california.  the overwhelming sense of peace i have when i am alone, in the country, breathing air as fresh as rain and gazing into lives millions of miles away.

i know i have so much to experience, to feel, to learn.  some days i think i understand it all.  on occasion a few of those days will string themselves together and i will be sure, as sure as their is a god, that i am rock solid in my knowledge.  then something happens.  something shakes me.  it could be as huge as a storm, as simple as a wave, or as small as a mosquito.  they all serve the same purpose... to remind me that i am different, that i am alone, that i have much to learn.

i once thought that the things that shook me the most were the storms.  but we all have storms in life, and... one way or the other, we all get through them.  so why is life so hard for me and my family?  because it is not the storms that knock us from life's path.  it is the mosquitos.  the hundreds of little, tiny mosquito bites we suffer each day.  death by a thousand mosquitos.  more powerful than any storm.

i often felt the death of me would be brought by some bigot who decided that spreading my deepest thoughts all over a brick wall would bring an end to all things 'fagot'.  or maybe a gunshot fired by a redeemed religious warrior out to save god's children from the wicked.  i am not so sure now.  i think my death may be brought as it is brought to so many in my family.  the constant, tiny, little cuts.  any one of which, by itself, is a simple bother.  but, take an attack of hundreds, one after another... and suddenly you struggle to breath.  "why move to california? all they have are drugs and queers."  "that's gay!"  "oh, just what i enjoy doing, looking at naked guys."  "tell the faggots to go home."  ~limp wrists and exaggerated lisps.~  "oh mark... i think jimmy wants to be in the back room alone with you, wink wink, nod nod."  "fags!"  "why don't the fags just realize no one wants them here?"  "that's why i hate gays!"  ... death by a thousand mosquito bites...

and no one understands.  suffer a storm and your friends will be by your side to give you strength and love... lighthouses in the night.  they know storms.  they have lived storms.  suffer a thousand cuts and enter a world that does not exist in their worst nightmares.  a world of vicious, back stabbing attacks rendered solely because you... are you.  each attack so small no one notices... each one together, deadly.  "why does that bother you?"  "oh, he didn't mean it that way."  "he is really a nice guy, he just doesn't understand"  "that's life, just deal with it."  "that happens to everyone."  "it's not that big of a deal"  "if he 'knew' he wouldn't say that."  ... suddenly the only lighthouse you have is gone, washed away by something they can never feel, and therefore, for some reason, can not understand.

i will take a storm anytime, if only it kept away the mosquitos...
 

tuesday, march 21, 2000
i know dude, it has been a long time.  i worked a lot friday and then jacob and i did do something on friday night.  then saturday i was sick, really sick.  i'm still hurting some, but much better.  doc said i had kidney stones and/or kidney infection.  bad news.  so while i was in pain i didn't write, sorry.

i'm tired now and i work all day tomorrow so i want to be rested.  so maybe not much tonight either.
lets see, i guess the thing was jacob.  he did show, and we went to the mall and stuff and then to the movie "next best thing".  it was awkward for me because of everything.  i didn't know what to say really.  where to start.  so nothing big was said.  we have chatted since.  finally one night i blew up and let everything out.  finally i felt better about things.  like i could finally talk to him without feeling he had no clue what he did.  i learned how to approach jacob.  it seems i did not have the same thoughts about our friendship.  it was kind of enlightening actually.  i think maybe i've found out my problem with a lot of my friends that have taken off.  i think i always feel the friendships are more than they are.  thus i push things too far.  live and learn i guess.  at any rate i know how to save the friendship with jacob.  the friendship won't be what it was, that's because it never was what i thought it was.  now i can enjoy what is actually there i guess.

ok, i've got to hit the sack... more on things later dude.
be happy
 

thursday, march 16, 2000
wow, what a day.  i just got home after spending 14 hours at work.  i didn't get to come out to anyone.  work was just crazy.  one of the guys i was going to tell, joe, couldn't be there.  there was another dude there who i have no interest in telling at all.  and to top it off, the district manager and company vice president decided to pop a surprise visit.  aghhhhhh!  and then the district manager decided he wanted to stay and watch "final destination" after hours.  so i watched it.  that was really no problem.  i wanted to watch the movie.  it  was just i am soooo tired.  i had probably four hours sleep last night.  and they were not good hours either.  oh well, i enjoy work, so no big deal.  but i am off to bed soon.  oh, btw... the movie, "final destination" scared the hell out of me!  holy mary mother of god!  it was scary...

i wanted to do something special with my page to celebrate my irish heritage... but i have no time.  i may be able to turn this page green.  but that is it.

rony called me today again.  we got to talk longer this time.  it was cool!

tomorrow i think i get to spend some time with jacob.  i hope it works out.  i want to maybe watch "next best thing" with him.  maybe... i don't know how he will feel about seeing it with a gay guy.  that might be too much.  i'll see.  but it is only going to be on for a few days soo...

ok, i have to hit the sack.  i'm soo tired and i have to be back at work in a little while.
be happy!
 

wednesday, march 15, 2000
woo hoo!  my great friend rony called me today!  all the way from the philippines!  woo hoo!  that was soo cool!  we didn't get to talk long, but i heard his voice.  so way kewl!

my dad and brother in law helped me get my car fixed today so, i'm back on the road.  and tomorrow i will maybe come out to some guys at work.  i'll see what happens.  it is late so i need to go to bed.  i'm so stoked about talking to rony!  woo hoo!
be happy
 

tuesday, march 14, 2000
today was a good day.  i opened the theatre by myself for the first time.  cool.  i was shocked when jacob came in with a few friends.  he said he might be in this week, but... well i was very surprised.  then he came back and talked to me for a little bit after he took everyone home.  wow.  it was really awkward for me.  i mean so much has gone on, it was just hard to have him standing in front of me.  really hard.  i didn't know what to do.  wow, here it was the situation i had hoped would happen for so long and... well it was hard.  so i took him upstairs and showed him the booth.  it gave me something to talk about.  we may do something on friday.  we have plans.  we'll see what happens.  i still worry about getting too close and being hurt again.  i don't want to / can't go through that again.  sigh... oh me oh life...

i have tomorrow off.  so i'll catch up on this page and email i hope (show my irish pride (mom's family) and do something special for st. patricks day).
i received the coolest email from a dude in canada tonight.
i hope to do a little coming out.  i would like to come out to scott and joe this thursday.  i have to know i have support to fall back on, and i'll have to talk chrissy into letting me volunteer to help put movies together with them.
i know i need that support before coming out anymore.  i know there will be those who hate me... those who will hurt me.  i'll need friends to be with me, hold me and cry with me.  and then, when all is said and done, to celebrate my freedom with me.
be happy
 

sunday, march 12, 2000
wow.  i just finished the movie "get real"... wow.  i've never seen such a beautiful, powerful movie.
i can't even express in words what this movie was like.
it has made me want to be free.  i'm going to be free.  i want that so much.  deep in my heart i need to be out, to be free, to be happy.  i need it now.  i need my friends to be with me.  i need chrissy, bryan, rony and katie... i need jacob.  i don't know if he will be there... but i need him.  i'm coming out.  it is time.  it is time for me to get real.  be happy.
be happy

sunday, march 12, 2000
woo hoo!  i'm so stoked!  one of my good friends came out to a friend of his today!  woo hoo!  i am listening to the sound track of "trick" that i bought today... "yes i  paid the price, but look at how much i've gained.  if i have to i can face anything.  i am strong, i am invincible, i am GAY!"  woo hoo!  i love this cd almost as much as the dvd!  i also picked up the dvd of "get real".  i'm going to watch it in a little bit.  i've been working on my car with my dad.  it was nice to be able to spend some time with him.  we think we have the problem solved.  we just have to get the parts tomorrow.  the only problem is i smell like oil and gas!  yuk!  gay guys aren't suppose to smell like a garage!  after this journal i think i'll hit the shower again and scrub some more.

i was so mad dude.  i was usher at work saturday night.  we had a freaking snow storm!  ughhhhhh!!!!! i hate this state!  not only did i have to shovel six inches of snow, we didn't have very many people come to watch movies.  not one cute guy that i could follow around, not one!  well, i mean i did check out some theatres... you know, hey i'm there right?  why not look.  they just weren't the cutest guys i've ever seen.  sigh...

ok, i can't even drink my tea without smelling the oil and gas all over my hands.  it is off to the shower again, scrub, scrub, some fun, and then scrub some more... i might call craig first though...
peace
 

thursday, mach 9, 2000
today was basically work.  i worked for 11 hours.  i  liked it.  i'm lucky in that i enjoy what i do.  i thought today that i've been sooo busy.  i haven't had time to call craig.  i've been thinking of him.  i just ... ughhhh!  he drives me crazy!  does he like me?  is it still too soon?  i just want some answers!  but he is kind enough and cute enough that i'll be patient... as long as i can :-)  oh me, oh life!

when we talked the other day, there was one thing that chrissy said that has stuck in my mind.  i was telling her how unhappy i am here.  how much i hate indiana.  how i know i will never be able to be me here, how i will never find love here.  then she said, "why do you stay?  why don't you move to california?"  wow.  i've stayed for two reasons, craig of course (but for how long?...) and the commitment i made with work.  so her comment was like... wow.  it just made me feel free to do what i need to do.

tonight i watched "mission to mars" before it comes out tomorrow, woo hoo!  i love watching movies before anyone else gets to!  anyway, this is one great movie dude!  it is just... wow!  i watched it with scott and joe.  they are cool :-)  i hope they remain friends.  i know joe will, i just know it.  scott... i'm just not sure.  i think he struggles with himself so much (not necessarily his sexuality, just his confidence) that he may not be willing to deal with a gay friend.  but... something happened today.  i brought my XY and a gay book to work in a manila envelope.  i had to leave once so i placed a hair from my head on the clasp.  this would tell me if anyone got into it.  well they didn't.  the hair was still there when i came back.  that was in the afternoon.  later in the evening while scott and i were putting movies together upstairs (where the envelope was) i had to leave again to get pizza.  i checked, the hair was still there.  i came back after awhile to get the envelope so i wouldn't forget it.  well guess what?... the hair was gone.  hmmm.... i could have knocked it off.  or.. scott or joe could have opened the envelope.  here is the deal.  joe was himself after that time, and scott?  well he was great.  i mean he even said, "can i sit next to you?!"  in his goober way (he likes to hang with me at work), when we watched the movie (and he did sit next to me).  so if he did see them, it didn't change him.  cool.

and...tonight they announced i was going to be the next assistant manager.  they did it in a strange way that made me feel kind of awkward because i didn't know what to do.  oh well... it is done!  woo hoo, no more keeping secretes... well secretes about cute bois, but not about being assistant manager!  woo hoo!
well, i must be up in six hours so i can go back to work.  oh, i wore my new clothes today... i must say, i looked good.  and that made me feel good.  it is soooo hard for me to say things like that, but i am learning.  anyway, i will wash them and have them ready for saturday night.  i get to usher!  woo hoo!!!! i'm there all night, so every cute boy who comes in... well it is my job to follow them around and make sure that they get everything they need!  woo hoo!!!
omorrow after work chrissy and i along with a couple of friends, are going to the classics theatre to see "hoosiers" one of my all time favs!  i can't wait!  ok, to bed for real now.
peace
 

wednesday, march 8, 2000
it is really late dude... and i've got to get up early to work on my car.  it died again tonight.

i had a wonderful day.  chrissy and i went to the mall.  i found a little money i didn't know i had so i bought some work clothes.  chrissy kept saying not to pay so much for work clothes.  i kept trying to get her to understand i wasn't worried about work, i was worried about picking up cute guys!
we walked the mall.  i bought the "trick" dvd!  woo hoo!!!  and the gay dude was there.  he showed me that they also had the "get real" dvd!  i'll get it as soon as i can, hopefully next paycheck.
then we went to the borders bookstore and read gay books for like an hour.  it was sooo cool!  we ate at the olive garden.  i've never been there.  i hate to go places by myself and i've never had anyone to go with me before.
we finished the night by watching "the next best thing".  it is a great movie!  it was hard to watch at times because it dealt with gay life in very real terms.  but it was a good movie.
sometimes for me, no matter how good i'm feeling, the knowledge that some hate me, with a passion, it just knocks me down and out.  i've got to learn to get past that, because it will be my life.  easier said than done.
peace
 

tuesday, march 7, 2000
i had a great day today dude.  it has been awhile since i had two good days in a row :-)  work was ok.  then chrissy and i watched trick and had dinner.  we just had a great time talking and watching the movie and then we watched jon stewart call george bush jr. a racist.  it was a fun night.  i so much needed a night just to be with a friend and talk.  i don't do that very much.  partly because i don't have friends to do it with and partly because i won't open up.  you know how i am about that.
anyway, the movie was great, for the third time :-).  oh my gosh!  it was so good.  i almost cried again.  i do that a lot more now that i'm out to myself, but i still have a hard time doing it in front of anyone.  i did cry a little when we talked about life and my family after the movie.  i don't think chrissy noticed.  hope not.  i don't want anyone thinking i'm a queen.  nothing wrong with being a queen at all, i'm just not one. (that is from the movie dude :-)

i'm a little down because prop. 22 was passed tonight.  it looks like it will be just about 60% voting yes on it.  it really doesn't mean too much.  i mean the courts will decide this, and legislation could overturn it anytime.  it is just the thought that by law, i'm not equal.  kinda sets the tone for how you view life.  we will live to fight another day... i hope.

i was out until 4:00 a.m. looking at the stars in my new telescope.  looking out into space, seeing far off places... it gives me a since of peace.  i'm glad i had time to go out tonight.  it helped me accept the whole, "we hate you" thing from california.
peace
 

monday, march 6, 2000
my sister got married today.  contrary to what my family would do, she had a simple civil wedding at the courthouse.  it lasted about five minutes.  i'm happy for her.  i hope she is happy.  i learned one thing for sure, my mom will not be invited to my wedding should i ever get married.  the first thing she said to my new brother in law after the wedding was, "this is going to last, right?"  she has been skeptical to say the least.  i just can't believe she said that.  just imagine what she will say at my wedding... "so who is going to play the women?"  i wouldn't be surprised.  i love my mom, but she is getting more like my grandma every day... trust me, that is not a good thing.

i spent the afternoon talking to chrissy.  i like to do that.  she is so nice to me.  to actually still be friends with me after i told her i was gay.  it is just really cool.  anyway, tomorrow i think, we are going to watch "trick".  i can't wait to see it again.  i think she will really like it.  it is such a cool movie.  i think i will have all my friends who are important to me (the ones not on the web) watch it with me.  it is just an important movie to see that we are just normal dudes trying to live life and find love.  i ordered it and the sound track.  chrissy and i are going to the mall wednesday so if they don't have it my order will take two weeks.  woo hoo!

i've spent the night working on my page.  getting ready for the expanded availability :-) and just trying to make a better page.  all pages are now up and running.  i hope everyone likes them.  there is still a lot of work to do, but there always will be :-).  i think i will take the advice of a friend, gary.  i'll take some time away every once in a while.  i won't do anything with my page at all.  just take a break.

jacob messaged back tonight.  i guess he hasn't been reading my journal (i think he didn't want to miss me, but i'm not sure).  so he did it tonight.  it made him cry.  he said, "what have i done?"  i felt so bad.  i never meant to hurt him, i just write what i feel.  i think he is ok.  i wasn't very nice at times in my journal.  today as i talked to chrissy i realized that i was not very nice in my email to him either.  as a matter of fact i was pretty nasty (i never used that word until i cam out... gay thing?).  i really feel bad about some of the things i said.  like, i said, "maybe you just don't want to hang out with a fag anymore."  i can't believe i said that.  but the worst was when i took the very special first words (that i will always remember) that he said to me when i came out to him, "it doesn't change a thing" and said, "maybe it did "change" some things."  man, i can't believe i said that.  that was terrible.  i mean i was really, really hurt by him, but wow, i didn't have to be so nasty and bitchy.  i hope i didn't hurt him.

ok, time to upload all my changes.  work tomorrow and then i get to watch "trick" with a cool friend!  woo hoo!
peace
 

sunday, march 5, 2000
today has been a cool day.  i've veged most of the day.  one of my problems the other day was my car died on me.  i thought it was a big problem.  well my dad and brother in law fixed it this morning.  tonight my dad told me not to have my cable turned off, he would pay for it.  i'm still on the high from having the courage to go to the gay bar, by myself!  woo hoo!  i have tomorrow off work.  i may try to get a hold of chrissy.  i want her to watch trick.  she also wants to go to the mall and shop.  my sister gets married tomorrow.  just a little civil thing.  i'll write about it tomorrow.  i may try to call craig tomorrow too.  cool!
oh yes, and i almost forgot (not!) the biggest thing to happen (well the cable thing was pretty... just kidding dude!) the biggest thing to happen was i hopefully restored a lost friendship tonight.  jacob and i messaged for about an hour tonight.  i don't know what will happen, that is down to him.  at least we get to feel good about the past.  and i have hope about the future.  if my coming out plans are to continue, i have to have a support group and i really would like him to be apart of that.  i hope.  we'll see.
i can't wait.  i'm happy to be gay!  woo hoo!  and one day i shall have a boyfriend even cuter than the two guys in the picture!  woo hoo!
peace

saturday, march 4, 2000
it is very late.  i'm really tired.  i left work at about 3 a.m.  but i want to write.
i was really upset last night.  for the first time in a long, long time, getting some sleep didn't help.  i woke up and started crying as much as i was the night before.  then i watched the movie that caused part of my problem.  well, it didn't cause any problem...  it just brought out what was there.  the movie is called "trick".  it is such a great movie.  two guys spot each other, pick each other up and decide to find a place to have sex.  they spend all night looking for a place.  through a "trick of fate" they never find a place.  but in the process of looking, they fall in love and find more than a one night stand.  wow, it was just sooo emotional for me.  seeing them hold hands.  seeing them fall in love.  it was everything i want.  everything i don't have.
so i watched it again today.  i cried of course.  but i felt a little better.  a good friend of mine, david, gave me some advice the other night.  he said, "Maybe you make the common mistake of believing that your assumptions and fears and previous experiences are "Fixed Facts" rather than just the beliefs they really are.  Beliefs can be changed, facts just have to be lived with and adjusted to..."  wow!  that was one of the best pieces of advice i have ever been given.  so i decided that i should do something about it.  i should go out and change these assumptions.  stop living as though my life was terrible as a matter of fact.  i only believe it is terrible.  i can change that belief!  thanks david!  i started tonight.  woo hoo!

i went to the gay bar!  way cool!  woo hoo!  after i watched the movie chrissy called.  she was worried about me.  now you know how i feel about people who seem to care about me.  i am extremely skeptical.  and the only question i really have is, "when are you going to take off on me?"  so... well i'll try.  i always try.  anyway, she wanted to know how i was doing.  then she asked me to go with her to church.  she thought it might help.  so i said i would.  it did help.  i felt good about myself.  partly because of the movie (it made me proud to be gay) and partly because i was in a church i had never been to (catholic) and i was feeling good.  usually i would be very uncomfortable because i don't like to do religion or new things.  i was totally cool with it.
then i decided i was going to the bar.  i picked one that was talked about in a story about "gaydar" in the local paper recently.  i found it.  i parked.  i sat in the car for a few minutes trying to psych myself up.  then i put my prez eyes on, and said to myself, "craig, you need to do this.  you've got to face this demon head on.  this is who you are.  these are your people.  this is where you belong.  face it."  i opened the car door and walked into the bar.

it was a cool little place.  it wasn't big.  the guys were not nearly as hot as the guys in the club in the movie "trick".   but, it was a nice place.  i'm starting to accept that maybe my friends are right.  maybe i am cute (dude, if only you knew how hard it is for me to say that).  i turned a few heads when i walked in.  ok, more than a few :-)  and some of the guys kept checking me out the entire time i was there.  most of them were my age.  a few older guys.  some were cute.  none of them made my jaw drop.  the greatest thing was that for the first time, i was the one being sought.  these guys looking at me, checking me out.  wow.  i have always felt like i had to do the running to guys.  if i didn't go after them i would be left behind.  this time i could do the picking and choosing.  it felt good.  i didn't stay too long.  30 or 45 minutes.  i was... well it was my first time and stuff.  i checked out another bar on the way home.  it was full of older guys.  i wasn't too interested so i drank my drink quickly and got out.  the 12 or so older guys didn't stop looking at me the entire time i was there :-)

chrissy says she would like to go with me sometime.  that would be cool.  she worried that she might hinder my ability to pick up a guy :-)  i told her no problem.  we were at work, so i didn't explain... a gay bar...  that means if a guy and a girl walk in together, 99 times out of 100 they aren't a couple.  she is so sweet.  i will have to explain to her the whole "fag hag" thing.  i haven't said anything so far.

so, i had a few revelations today...  love is so wonderful, even for gay guys.  i won't find love, it will find me.  that is the best kind of love.  when you least expect it (the theme of the movie).  i learned that maybe my friends were not just being nice.  i even asked chrissy.  she said, "yea, you are cute".   and last, but certainly not least... i'm going to start carrying a condom in my wallet ;-)
woo hoo!
peace
 

friday, march 3, 2000
no more.  i won't do this anymore.
my life is so messed up.  i'm so alone.
i've been crying all night.  not just crying, bawling my eyes out.
i can't do it anymore.  if i can't find happiness here.  if i can't find a relationship here.  i'm leaving.
some way, some how.
no more heartache no more pain.
 

thursday, march 2, 2000
i had to stay at work three hours longer than i was scheduled so i didn't get my emails or page changes done tonight.  i like work and i really like working late on thursdays when we put together movies, so it was cool to stay.  i just wish there were more hours in the day.  i guess that means less sleep.  i'm going back to the six hour nights i think.

i called craig today.  i'm not really sure why.  i was just thinking about him.  i've gotten past him, as far as thinking about him everyday.  i mean i still think he is cute and kind and everything that attracted me to him in the first place.  i have let him go.  if he comes back, then something was meant to be.  if he doesn't, nothing was ever meant to be in the first place.  i called because he is a friend and i miss him.  i worry about him.  i really worry about him.  he went through hell.  i hope he is ok.  most of all i hope he isn't going to make a big mistake by going back to his ex.  i think i know craig.  i think he is just they type of guy who would go back to someone like his ex.  that isn't a bad thing.  as long as i can talk him out of it!  what i mean is that craig seems to be a very loving, caring guy.  i think when he gives his heart away it is for good.  he really cared about his ex.  i just hope he doesn't think he can work to make it work.  love isn't work.  relationships maybe.  respect, honesty, love... no.  if they aren't there nothing a person does can create them.
of course i don't do this for me!  not in the least.  i realize i will probably never even see craig again, let alone be able to go out with him.  i just care about him.  he is a friend.  i don't want him to be hurt like this again.
anyway, he was late for a meeting.  i know, i know... but i believe him.  so i'll do as he asked and call tomorrow.  it will mean somehow convincing chrissy to let me leave work for a little while to call him.  she knows what he means to me, i mean she knows that i kind of like him and she knows how very lonely i am.  i think she will let me.  i just worry he will do the same thing as before, tell me to call and then not be home or not talk to me when i call.  but he is cute, so i'll try ;-)  but most of all i am worried about him, that is the reason i want to call.  he works at three (four for me) i work from 10:30 to 6.  oh man, the song "i will remember you, will you remember me" just came on the radio.  i love this song.  it makes... it makes me cry every time.  and you know who i think of?  craig.  i am not sure why, but i do.
anyway i should be able to get chrissy to let me leave for a little bit.  she owes me!  she told her best friend that i was gay :- |   just kidding :-)  it didn't bother me at all.  as a matter of fact as soon as i saw her friend i knew that she knew.  that sixth sense god has given me.  it didn't  bother me at all.  i'm ready to be out so...  i did make chrissy cry.  i felt bad.  i told her i was mad at her.  she thought it was because of that.  i was just going to play a joke and then tell her i was mad because if she told me sooner i could have been myself when the three of us went to see american beauty.  well when she started to cry i pulled her out of the office and told her the truth.  i felt bad.  dog gone it!  i was going to save that guilt blackmail to use so i could go home to call craig tomorrow!   oh well.
peace
 

wednesday, march 1, 2000
man, i wanted to have my page updated today.  new piks, new quote, new month on the journal, but...
one of the girls from work called.  she was bored and wanted to do something, so we watched scream 3 (i'm beginning to hate that theatre! :-)  i figured i would do something because she thinks she knows something about me, so i figure it will be fun to play around with her for awhile. :-)  lol, the other day she asked me if i went to strip bars.  can she be more obvious?  when i tell her i love naked women!  she will be amazed.  naaa i won't lie.  it is more fun to play games while staying within the truth, anyone can lie and play games!

i am feeling better since last night.  i almost went to this gay club in the fort.  it is kind of a cyber club thing.  it sounds cool.  i think i will try it.  it is just extremely hard to do that by myself.  when i'm really lonely or sad i'll be able to push myself to go.  see it is at those times i don't care about the consequences... so i'll do things i normally wouldn't.  i can't wait to check this gay club.  and maybe, just maybe there will be some gay guys my age?  wow, that would be so cool.  kinda blows my mind.
peace