wednesday, march 28   2001
i just watched "the story of us" once again.  what a beautiful story it is.  bruce willis was looking great as usual.  why oh why does he have to be a conservative republican...

it's all about finding yourself.  doing what is necessary to live.  to make your life yours.  fear?  yes, without question.  but what is gained if fear is not overcome?  great joy can only come from reaching deep down inside, where fear rules all... taking a great risk, the victory of which is the very breath of life.  someone once said, without great risk, there can never be great victory.  i'm not interested in great victory.  what i am interested in is great happiness.  and i think... great happiness can not come without great risk.

i bought the "broken hearts club" the other day.  i watched the deleted scenes just a few nights ago.  there was this amazing scene.  the most profound scene in the entire movie, and the cut it.  jack, the father figure is outside with the newbie, kevin.  kevin is... well he is like me.  his outlook isn't too grand.
jack says to kevin, "i'll tell you something i never told the other boys.  when i was your age i was married."
"to a man?" kevin  ask.
"no, to a women!" jack answers.
"yea, i was married for three years.  and here's the clincher, i was pretty happy."
"i don't get it.  didn't you know?" ask kevin
"did you?"
~long silence~
"so what happened?" ask kevin
"oh.. i met a man." jack sighs, "and despite all my efforts he slowly made me realize that love wasn't just being comfortable with someone.  being friendly.  it's the making your palms sweet and making your heart beat faster than you ever knew it could before."
"when i confessed my predicament to my wife she was thankfully, eternally understanding."
after a long silence kevin ask, "but, if you were happy..."
jack interrupts, "no, no, no... i said 'pretty happy' kevin."
as jack gets up and starts to walk back inside he says,
"see what you are too young to realize is that there is a world of difference between pretty happy... and happy."

wow.
i've had quite a few sleepless nights this week.  looking at this job in california.  shedding tears with the knowledge nothing will ever be the same if i move.  sensing great joy at the adventure, and great fear of the unknown.
i'm not sure what i will do.  but one thing i know, i want to be happy... my new friend chris has helped me understand that, without question.  and he has helped me understand that i need to seek happiness, not just long for it.
i know i can be pretty happy, right here.  but i'm not sure i can ever be "happy".
so, with the help of my dear friend christopher, i'm almost sure i will put my fear aside, and go to the interview for the job in california.
 
 
 

tuesday, march 20   2001
jed emailed me back today... he is a good guy.  he uses dreamweaver for his web page.  that is the program i've always wanted.  but it would cost at least a couple hundred dollars and i just can't afford that.  and even if i could, i won't buy it for my mac when i'm going to try to buy a windows computer soon. :-(

today was hell at work.  working my butt off for little pay and people who don't really care... yuck!  i mean, i love working at a theater, but you know... you have to feel appreciated if you are going to bust your butt.  during the last few weeks, with my talk about moving to a theater in chicago and such, i've come to understand that i have no future with this company.  i'm not sure why, but they don't think very highly of me.  and i've worked really hard for them, sacrificed and gone out on my own to learn more about the job and stuff... i know it isn't because i'm gay, they have several guys in upper management that are gay.  i just don't know.  maybe it is because of my ex-boss and the stuff she said about me, or maybe it is because the company just doesn't care.  whatever the case, for my future i know it is best for me to get out.  so i am.  i'm looking out for me first now.
i'm looking for a job... who knows where.  maybe right here, if i find one that is good.  i think (i've been doing a lot of that) that i don't have to move away from here to be happy.  there are many gay guys around here.  they live, and they must be happy, otherwise why would they stay?  i figure if i can be out with my family (i will as soon as i get on my own) and can be an activist in the community, then i'll be pretty happy.  when  i'm helping people... that is when i'm happy.  i can help people no matter where i live.
that doesn't mean i'm not moving.  if a good job comes along in california or florida especially, i'll take it.  i found one i might apply for.  a teaching job in california.
well... i would write more dude, but i must go in to work early tomorrow... to take care of work i really shouldn't have to do, and get paid no extra money to do :-(  oh well... this time (yes it has happened before) i asked the evening guy (my friend joe) to come in early.  i'm not staying extra hours when it isn't my job to do so :-)
peace
 

monday, march 19   2001
i'm working on doing some major work to my page (i know, i've said it before...).  i have to do some major restructuring to get my journal updated so... at least i've gotten a new picture up dude!
i've been inspired by my friend jed's web page.  he has an amazing page and it inspires me to get in gear and do more with mine (the reason i'm writing for two days in a row, thanks jed!).  i am thinking of getting another computer, so that complicates matters further, as i'm thinking (almost certain) of going to windows after being a life long mac person...  always a work in progress i guess.

i'm still a little down from last night i guess.  opportunity passed by.  i don't know if it makes me sadder having the missed opportunity or knowing that there was really never any opportunity there in the first place.  even if he was gay, the world is too dangerous of a place, to much of a jail...for guys like me to find other guys like me... even when they are a few feet away.  and that... that is the saddest thing of all i think.
my best friend was chatting with me.  he gave me a good shift kick for not talking to the dude.  he wanted to know why i didn't.  i told him,

"listen jacob, you are straight.  every girl you see plays on your team (or at least won't care if you make that mistake) and how many do you go up to and say hi to?  i've got the same things to deal with plus i have the great joy of not knowing if i'm going to get a smile or beaten down."

it is hard, but i guess we survive, what else is there to do?
one day it will get better.  i hope.  that is my prayer.
peace
 
 
 

sunday, march 18   2001
i went to see "le mis" tonight... wow, it was great dude.  what a beautiful story.  i laughed, i cried, i lived.
and there was a sub-plot.
in the row in front and to my left sat one of the most beautiful men god has ever created.  he was... words just can't describe.  he was a guy so breathtaking... that it almost brought in me, enough courage to talk to him.  but alas, fear is still greater than breathtaking beauty.
he kept playing with his hair, around his ears.  he was dressed in a gorgeous sweater vest and dark shirt.  his hands,  slender, long and gentle.  his dark wavy hair, that of a god.  his face... now i have seen perfection.  he had such beauty that my mind races with thoughts of how to find him, and misery in the knowledge i shall never see him again.
the girl he was with caught me looking at him.  she bent towards him with a whisper.  he did not turn.  but later, more than once, he shyly looked my way.  after the show, in my dream, he turned with a smile and passed to me a card.  in my reality, they left well ahead of us.  as we came down the stairway, they were waiting by themselves at the bottom.  maybe we were only seconds from that dream card.  maybe we were only courage away from that dream card.
are my thoughts true?  are my fantasies real?  who knows... but splendid dreams for a lonely heart they shall make.  and one day, one day, there will not be enough seconds in existence to hold back the destiny of love.  what a sweet day day that will be.
until then, my heart will go on.