wednesday, may 31  2000
there's a gentle breeze blowing over me
and it's singing a sweet song
it's how i know you're thinking of me
yea, tell me have you been waiting long

in the garden of you and i
well there's a secrete love that we can't deny
and everything will grow in time
in the garden of you and i

well everyone keeps asking me
but i refuse to take it up
i say let nature happen naturally
let the rain be the fortune teller of things to be

in the garden of you and i
well there's a secrete love that we can't deny
and everything will grow in time
in the garden of you and i

and all the hoping and praying about it
wishing and talking about it
over analyzing and forcing the issue
and i'm tapping my fingers
and i'm wondering who you're with
well it won't do any good
oh no, oh no

cause there's a garden of you and i
and a secrete love that we can't deny
and everything will grow in time
in the garden of you and i

there's a garden of you and i
and a secrete love that we can't deny
and everything will grow in time
in the garden of you and i

and everything will grow in time
 
 

- "the garden of you and i"
   ginger mackenzie
 
 
 

tuesday, may 30, 2000
tonight is a beautiful night.  it is twilight, my favorite time of day, and i've come outside to type and enjoy the evening.  i haven't felt this good, this kind of peace, in a long while.  i'm at ease for the first time since i came out i think.  peaceful easy feeling :-)
i could lay here for the rest of my life... as long as i had someone next to me of course :-)

i'm not sure what life will hold for me.  i know that this peacefulness will not last.  prolly be ripped away tomorrow for some reason or the other.  i just hope that my life has most of its time spent like this.  that would be wonderful.

i still have a lot of undone things.  i still need to find a career.  i want to go to school, so i need to sit down about plan that out.   i need to move away from here.  and most of all i need a boyfriend.  all in time i guess.  right now i'm really enjoying the process.  i'm happy.  i'm at peace.  i feel good.  and you know what?  i think i deserve it.  life has had more than its share of crap for me.  most of my life actually.  so i think i will just lay back, finish my coke, wait for rony to come and chat, and savor that peaceful easy feeling.

part 2
i feel even better now.  after a long chat with rony i know something that i thought i would never know.  i've got one of the best friends i could ever ask for.  he is the best.  he is my best friend.  at least until a boyfriend comes along... just kidding :-)
it's like will and grace.  but he has to be grace :-)
and my friendship with my new friend (the one who is really cute) is continuing to grow.  that makes me really happy.  woo hoo!
peace
 

wednesday, may 24 2000
it's late (3:30 a.m.) so not much tonight dude.
some things have been happening...
lets see... i came out to two more people at work today, it was fun!  woo hoo!
i've been able to catch up on some emails, still many to go.
i was able to read a friends story
i feel like i'm helping some people.  that makes me feel good.
i feel good about who i am.  about being gay.  i've come a long way since october.  i've got a long ways to go.  but i feel like i've made some important progress.  i've taken some major steps.  conquered some demons.  learned to live.
yea, i've got a long way to go, but i'm proud of how far i've come.

i'm getting to know my friend better.  he is really cool.  i can't wait to get to know him even better.  who knows what will happen?  he is cute.  very kind, very strong and cute.  maybe someday i'll get to new york to meet him in person.  rony and i are going there this summer i think.  did i mention he is really cute?  but more importantly he has a heart of gold.
peace
 

saturday, may 20 2000
everybody's telling all, bearing their souls just to go on the ricky lake show
why?
last night i turned the tv on, you were booed off stage for singing your famous love song
why?
tell me who makes the rules?
should have been born on the milky way, i don't wanna belong to the world today!
oh life's a bitch and then you die!
should have been born on the milky way, i can't believe what i heard today!
oh yea. life's a bitch and then  you die!

i mean why, i got my magazines telling me, selling me lies on how i could be the perfect ten.
why?
and my boyfriend left just the other day, he's all messed up, is he straight or is he gay?
why?
so tell me who makes the rules?
should have been born on the milky way, i don't wanna belong to the world today!
oh life's a bitch and then you die!
should have been born on the milky way, i can't believe what i heard today!
oh yea, life's a bitch and then  you die!
and if i fall
if i fall ...
should have been born on the milky way, i don't wanna belong to the world today!
oh life's a bitch and then you die!
should have been born on the milky way, i can't believe what i heard today!
oh yea, life's a bitch and then you die!
should have been born on the milky way, i don't wanna belong to the world today!
oh life's a bitch and then you die!
should have been born on the milky way, i can't believe what i heard today!
oh yea, life's a bitch and then you die!
should have been born on the milky way, i don't wanna belong to the world today!
oh life's a bitch and then you die!
should have been born on the milky way, i can't believe what i heard today!
oh yea, life's a bitch and then you die!
"life's a bitch"
-shooter
 
 
 
 

wednesday, may 17 2000
wow.  today had a lot of stuff.
joe came in to the theatre and didn't seem to want to talk to me at all.  i'm not sure what happened.  maybe things just didn't go so well with nick.  maybe he didn't like some advice i gave him about helping himself.  i don't know but i think clearly something is up.  sokay, i'm more than use to that.

then some really good things happened.  i was reading my advocate.  they have that boy band article remember... well i was reading it and there was this little pik of a web page.  i thought, "that looks like tyson's nick carter page...no.  must not be."  then i read on a few paragraphs... ""Guysluv Nick!!!" proclaims the fan site dedicated to Backstreet's Nick Carter and created by a then-teenage Tyson Stevens, now a 20 year old University of Southern California student.   "At the time i had this big thing for Nick," he confesses.  (He now thinks 'Nsync's Justin Timberlake is "the cutest guy in any group I have ever seen.")  "I love the 'pop-ness' of boy groups," he explains.  "They just put across a sound and style that is easy to listen to."
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!  that's my buddy!  my friend tyson is in the advocate!!!  i was flipping out dude!  i was at work and i raced down to email him.  i can't believe the goober didn't tell me!  (i'll get you tyson! :-)  i'm so stoked!  i just can't even believe it.  dude, you don't know how much tyson means to me.  he is my first gay friend.  he has helped me come out.  he has given me inspiration beyond belief.  he is a role model to me.  he helped me put my faith in line with my homosexuality.  he is the best.  he really is.  and to top it off... my little sig of "woo hoo!"  well... it is his, not mine.  yea, that is right.  i learned my famous woo hoo from my friend tyson.  he is the greatest.

ok, well after that excitement (which i'm still pumped about!) later on at work i came out to another of the girls who works there (i came out to one yesterday too.  she was like... oh, ok.).  the girl today was totally cool.  she asked if i had a boyfriend :-) that felt great.

then tonight i got to help a few friends.  i wish i could help mousey more.  i'll have to spend more time with him.  he lives close by so maybe i can help him more.

then i had a friend who i helped get some much needed info about sex.  we have to stick together and take care of each other.  i don't want any guys to be un-safe.  that is what the "have fun, be safe" is about on my main page.

there is a dude i'm getting to know better and better online.  he is cute.  he has a heart of gold.  he is a lot like me.  who knows?  :-)  woo hoo!

i talked to a friend tonight.  more than i have in a long time.  he is a lot like me.  he is so hurt from past crap.  he can't trust.  he can't open up enough to let me in so he can learn to trust me.  it hurts cause i know he needs someone.  ... ... ... i want to help him so much.  it kills me that i can't.  i guess i'll keep doing the only thing i can, keep being here and letting him see that i won't hurt him like the others.  hopefully one day he will see that i won't hurt him, that i really, truly care.  ~sigh~ i'll do all i can.  i just wish he could see my heart.  i know what it means to lose friends.  i know what it means to be alone.  i would never do that.  i hope someday he sees that.
peace

tuesday, may 16 2000
~sigh~ (again?  yes again dude.  i'm more tired of it than you, trust me)
i said to lisa tonight, "you would think that at some point god would say, "enough.  this is more than enough for one person. just stop it.""  she said he would never give us more than we can handle.  i know he created me and all, but sometimes i think he forgot to look at the spec sheet.  i don't know why i have to have so much.... ~sigh~

so i'm still worked up about the heith's brother thing.  then at work i get my letter all typed up and now things have changed.  i can't write about it now, but it is going to be a few days before i have any closure on this.  then at work lisa comes in and tells me that a group of guys are planning on beating up nick and his boyfriend at the prom.  i was so worked up over that i was almost sick.  then joe and nick end up at the theatre... and i am an idiot.  then i get home... i received a couple of cool emails from a friend.  but i was heart broken to read about his problems and his losing him mom.  it made me cry.  then a friend who was having a tough time, needed to go away from the computer for a little bit.  i made him promise to tell me he was ok when he got back, before he went offline.  he said he would, but he didn't.  i'm really worried about him.

~sigh~  i feel like i've messed up royally with any friendship with this nick dood.  damn it!  i can't even help people right.  all this crap... and what?  god just says to him self, "hmmm... i think i'll make him gay too!  why not have some fun?"  "then, not only will he struggle just to get out of bed every day, 3/4 of the world will hate him."  i'm still so worried about the reaction of heith's brother and what he will say to whom.  i don't even want to deal with work anymore, but i'll try to make it better for my friends.  if anything happens at the prom i'm going to feel responsible because i didn't do anything.  i don't know what's happened to my friend.  and i keep thinking about my friend who lost his mom.  my mom is sick.  really sick.  i cry often at the thought of losing her.  i can't even imagine.  you are so strong lus.  i wish i had that strength.
peace anyone? anywhere? when?
 

sunday may 14,  2000
~sigh~
a friend of mine came into the theatre tonight.  he is a friend from my past.  i've mentioned heith before.  well, this dude is heith's brother.  i haven't seen him in months.  he hung out most of the night.
i've made a very strong and decided effort to not let anyone from my past know about me.  not one of them, not one, has learned so far.
well, i had my advocate mag sitting around.  i was looking at it and some of the staff were looking at it (they all know now and not one seems to care at all).  i was nervous about it, but i've tried so hard to not "hide" who i am.  i'm not going to shout it out, but i'm not going to hide it.  ~sigh~ a lot easier to say than do.  but  i left the mag there on the counter.  i figured he had seen it since it was around.  this week has "boy bands, the gay fans come out" on the cover.
this dude was a good friend of mine.  we always talked a lot, did things together.  suffered the pain of everything with heith, together...
well, towards the end of the night he looked at the mag, grabbed it and said, "this is a great headline! boy bands, the gay fans come out" now why would you have a headline like that?!?!"  i said "dude, it's a gay magazine."  "no!  it is!... who's is it?!?" he said with bigotry in his tone.   "it's mine dude."  "no it's not!" he quipped.  then softly, "really?"  "yea" i replied, "really".
there was silence for a bit, then i simply said, "i thought you would have figured that out by now."
and that was it.  i went back to doing the work i was in the middle of, work that had to be done right then.  he went on.  said a few things about general stuff.  about 15 or 20 minutes later he said he had to go.  i told him i would be around for a couple hours before we closed.  he said he would come back and talk, or get something to eat when i was off work.
he never came back.
i ... ~sigh~
he will talk.  he always talks.  if his family hates me because of this, or thinks badly of me and my relationship with heith because of this, it will kill me.
 

thursday, may 11,  2000
today was a cool day.  well a cool night.
joe stopped in and asked if i wanted to do anything after work.  i told him yea, that would be cool.  so around 8 we left to eat.  i had to decide the place to eat, joe wasn't hungry.  i decided bob evans cause i hadn't been there in awhile and i was tired of cheap fast food.  on the way to bob's joe said, "nick is working tonight."  i replied, "oh... he is."

well, see nick is joe's bi friend.  he is the dude i've written about before.  the dude i have sooooo much respect and admiration for.  he is an inspiration to be because of the strength and courage he has to be out in school.  he is even taking his boyfriend to the prom.  i can't even begin to tell you what i think and feel about that....

but he is also the dude that i told joe i would like to meet, because he was such an inspiration.  i wanted to tell him so.  and i wanted to let him know if he ever needed a dude to talk to, who understood stuff, i was around.  well, chrissy got ahold of that and started making fun of me.  saying i was trying to "rob the cradle" and crap.  i never even thought of that, not once.  i just wanted to meet the dude and let him know i admired his courage and strength.  well... anyway, i was so worked up that people would think i was trying to hit on this high school dude, that i told joe to cancel the plans he had for me to meet nick.  i couldn't do it.  so he canceled.   i had been feeling better about things, and thinking maybe i would do something with dude.  but i sure wasn't prepared for this.  but, i wasn't going to run from it either.  joe had been to bob's twice already.  i asked like four times, "you sure you don't mind going again?" hoping he would ask to go somewhere else.  but, joe... he isn't stupid (i pick good friends :-).  i'm sure he knew what i was getting at, and he wasn't going to let me back out, at least not with him as the excuse.

so we went in.  i had never seen nick before, so i didn't know him from jason (i hate always saying "adam").  a dude came up and talked to joe.  i had a feeling it was nick, but, as joe had not introduced me, i really didn't know.  h was cute (i still always have this expectation that all gay guys have to be ugly.  i'm always shocked when any of us are cute...).  he talked for a bit then left.  i asked joe if it was him, he said, "yea"
i was trying to decided what sandwich to order.  i asked joe and he didn't know.  he said to ask nick.  so i called nick over and asked him what i should order.  he told me, i told the waitress and then left to the little boy's room.  i need to take a breath, and wash my hands, somehow they had gotten all sticky from the menu.  of course, this would give joe and nick the opportunity to talk about me if they wished.

i came back from the boy's room and there was nick, sitting at the table talking to joe.  woo hoo!  because he was sitting on the same side of the table as i was!  this was great because it took away my main worry, that he would not want to be around me, he would think i'm some kind of idiot, because i didn't want to do anything with him before.  he talked for awhile with joe.  i didn't say a lot cause i didn't know what to say.  joe made a joke about nick's boyfriend having pms.  nick quipped that was the reason he had a boyfriend, to stay away from pms.  i wanted to say something, but not knowing nick so well or how he felt about things... i didn't say anything.

he came and went from the table a few times.  it was clear that he was not uncomfortable around me, which relieved me greatly.  i was more uncomfortable around him, i'm sure.  being paranoid and not knowing what to say...

joe and i left after about 45 minutes.  we went back to the theatre to watch gladiator, but as chrissy was being a bitch, we decided to go to the city and check out boarders bookstore.  it is a 30 minute drive.  we talked, it was cool.

when we arrived at boarders we went right to the magazine section.  we had about fifteen minutes until the store closed.  joe looked over his girls in swimsuits mags.  i looked over my guys in swimsuits mags.  they were right next to each other which was cool.  joe had me look at some of his girls, he looked at some of my guys.  he is just the greatest friend.  he honestly doesn't care a bit that i'm gay.

well, being gay, i had noticed this cute guy at the end of the magazine rack.  he was just looking at stuff, no big deal.  joe and i move around to the back side of the rack to check out some other mags.  i noticed the dude start to move down the rack, checking mags as he went.  when he finally got the area joe and i had just been to i expected him to grab one of joe's mags and leaf through it.  well, he grabbed... ONE OF MY MAGS!  he grabbed a gay mag!  i moved back over to that side of the rack as fast as i could and still keep a little dignity.  when he saw me coming he quickly put the mag back.

now, i had two reasons to go back over there.  first, he was cute, way cute!  second, i knew what was up.  i knew who he was, cause just a few months ago, i was him.  come into the bookstore just before they close, on a weeknight when no one is there.  grab your gay mag and run out as fast as you can hoping no one sees you.

checking out a cute gay guy was nice, but it wasn't my number one priority.  i wanted him to know he was ok.  i wanted him to know that there were others.  he wasn't alone and he didn't have to be afraid.  at least not tonight.  so, when he put the mag back, i started talking to joe in a loud enough voice for dude to hear.  "joe, i can't decide which mag to buy.  the one with the gay boybands, or the one with the cute guys in swim suits."  stuff like that.  i made it clear i was gay and buying the gay mags.  i also made it clear what i had in my hand.  well, he moved over and picked the mag back up :-)  woo hoo!

joe and i made our way to the check out.  we were the only ones.  dude was behind us a bit.  he checked out after us.  i hope i helped him.  i hope i at least made him feel good for one night.

when we got to the truck i asked joe if he had seen the dude.    he said he hadn't.  typical str8 guy.  he was totally oblivious to everything that had just happened. :-)

the dude came out the door when we were talking.  i pointed him out to joe.  dude got into a blue beretta in front of us.  i wanted to check the plates to see if he was from my town, but he had those darn kids first plates that don't tell the city or county.  but... he had a for sale sign in his window, and it had his number!  woo hoo!  i thought.  we weren't close enough to see the number.  joe tried to follow him so we could get the number to at least know if he was from our town.  well, joe got into the wrong lane and we lost him.  oh well... i had done what i needed to, try and help.

it was still not time to head back, so joe and i decided to go to the cafe for a drink.  it is, like i've said, kind of a coffee house, bar type of place.  well, on the way i began to be unsure because it would be my first time back since "coming out" to the waitress and stuff.  i was a little worked up.  but it was ok.  we went and had a drink.  listened to the open mike night band and talked.

we talked about nick.  i kept asking questions.  being the psychology wanna be that i am, i was trying to learn about nick and see if i could maybe be any help to him.  finally, after i thought i had gone far enough that i better explain, i told joe what i was thinking.  that i just wanted to see if he could use a friend.  it turns out he only has two gay friends.  his boyfriend, and a dude at school who gossips too much to be told anything important.  joe said that he was sure nick would like to have me to talk to about stuff, since i would be able to understand in ways others couldn't.  and joe said that he thought i would like to talk to nick too since i really have no one like that.  then joe said something that hit me like a ton of bricks.  "you guys need to get to know each other first, so you can become friends.  but you can't do that because you won't do anything with him."  wow... wow...

i thought about it for a little bit.  then i said, "joe, you are right.  ok, i'm ready.  what ever you plan, or can arrange, i'm willing to do it."  he said he would start working on it.
woo hoo!  another wall broken down!  no more was i afraid of what others would think about me doing things with this dude.  so way kewl!!!!  i was really happy.

so it was a great night.  i met a guy i had been afraid to meet.  i saw a cute gay guy (only the second gay guy i've seen outside of the club).  and i made plans to break down a wall, and try to gain a new friend.
not a bad night.  not bad at all :-)
woo hoo!
peace
 
 

wednesday may 10,  2000
~sigh~
 
 

monday, may 8, 2000
well dude, saturday i didn't get in until dawn :-)
i went to the cafe.  short story is that i had enough of not knowing.  so i went and talked to the nice girl who was my waitress a few weeks ago.  i found out that jason isn't gay.  then i asked if any guys who worked there were gay.  she said, "not that i know of."  so that is that.  at least i know now.

so i finished listening to the band that was playing and headed for home.  it wasn't even midnight.  i was feeling bad and depressed.  i couldn't believe that i messed up so badly in thinking the two were scoping me out.  and i was depressed thinking that they didn't like me.

i drove for about two minutes and then pulled over.  i sat in a parking lot for a few minutes and then decided that i wasn't going to do this.  it is my life, if i'm going to be happy then i have to do what i have to in order to be happy.  so i turned around and went to the gay club.

woo hoo!  i was there for three hours.  i decided that i was tired of being the one who always made the move.  i would be completely happy to sit and watch people.  if someone came up to me i would be happy, if they didn't, i would be happy.  there were so many cute guys.  the place was packed.  i felt so good.  i felt like i was home.  finally a place where i was accepted for being me.  i was so stoked to see guys holding and kissing each other.

no one talked to me though.  i sat there for most of the night.  the only guy i knew talked to me a few times.  i just kept thinking, i'm one of the cutest guys here, if they want to talk to me, they can come and talk to me.  it was nice to finally feel that way about myself.  well, like i said, no one came up...
i had decided that i would talk to and maybe dance with the first guy who had the guts to talk to me.  then maybe the others would think, wow i should have talked to him.

well, about 15 minutes before they closed a slow song came on for the dance floor.  the guy i knew, who had tried to get me to dance with him and and his friends before, grabbed me and talked me into slow dancing with him.  it was really fun.  my first slow dance with a guy!  woo hoo!  i was really stoked!  we danced for two slow dances and then for one other song and then they closed.

i'm not attracted to this guy, never have been.  but it was really, really cool to dance with a guy like that.  holding each other close.  doing what i should have been able to do when i was 16.  it was great!  i hope i get the courage to go back soon.
 

friday, may 5, 2000
well dude, i went to the cafe tonight.  i'm feeling pretty good about it right now.  dewey has been talking to me about what went on and helped me feel good about it.  see, remember the first time i was there with lisa?  two waiters were checking me... i thought?  one was jason, the other i have never thought about again.  well, tonight he was my waiter.  i'm tired, it is late so i'll give the short version dude.  i asked him to pick out a desert for me, he picked out his favorite.  he struck up a conversation with me about some stuff.  then when he brought me my bill he said, "this is for the pie, you drink's on me."  well dewey and david both think he was showing some interest by doing that.  woo hoo!  dewey says i should go back tomorrow night and offer to buy him a drink after he gets off of work, as a thank you.  i just may do that!
i was so depressed when i came home because i didn't think anything good happened.  thanks to dewey i'm really happy :-)
peace
 

thursday may 4, 2000
i'm so happy.  last night (i'm writing on friday morning dude) joe and i went to the cafe.  woo hoo!  woo hoo!!  i love that place!  it is sooo cool.  see, this is the first time i've been back since asking the cute dude's name.  and how much negative stuff did i get?  none!  woo hoo!  i love this place!  i swear to everything holy there were more guys checking me!  and they were cute!!!  four of them looked at me, the one who tried to talk to me the other day, a really cute dude who came in and sat at the table with the dude who talked to me (and he was asian american!),  a really cute dude who came in with another guy, and i swear every time i looked up at him, he was looking across the room right at me!  then there was another dude who looked at me a few times... jason.. jamie, what ever i changed his name to... g'sh let me go look... oh duh!  i used jason after jason from dewey's story.  think i would remember that.  ok, so the other dude to look at me a couple of times was jason.  i think a woo hoo is in order dude!  woo hoo!  and...  i asked joe what he thought about me and all this crazyness... asking guys names, getting all excited, not talking, going back to the cafe all the time.   he said, "i admire you.  you have a lot of courage and strength..."  that made me feel so good!
i didn't spend a lot of time thinking about the guys really.  well, ok i thought about them, but i forced myself to stop.  joe and i were getting into a serious conversation about him and some stuff he is dealing with.  so obviously i am not going to not listen to him just so i can scope some cute dudes.  but... i'm going back tonight!  and i'm going by myself!  and i am going to try very hard to be courageous!  i almost went back last night after joe and i came back (joe had to be back at 10), but i didn't.  hersel called and said they were going to watch gladiator so i did that.

i'm sooooo stoked!  woo hoo!  and one of the things that makes it better is that we had a knock down drag out managers meeting yesterday, right before i went to the cafe.  a lot of yelling and stuff, but i felt a lot better cause i got to unload some stuff i needed to say.  and trust me... i unloaded!  it felt great!
ok, big day so i better get started.  i can't wait for tonight!  woo hoo!!!
peace
 

wednesday may 3, 2000
dude, you know how hard it was to take off the pik of that cute dude!  i had to replace him with three piks he was so cute!
i've finally gotten my page updates done, at least partly.  i still have to get some new piks on some of the pages and i have to work on my new pik for my pik page.  i want to get some animated gif's too.  so much i would like to do, just not enough time.

ronny sent an email today.  we should have dates set for the vacation by next week.  i can't wait!

i'm really happy with my life right now.  i'm proud of my courage so far.  i'm happy with my coming out so far.  i'm happy with the response everyone has had so far.  i'm really happy with my new online friends.  they are all so great to me.  there is something that i keep thinking about.  i need some friends.  i need friends who are gay.  i need friends who are straight.  i need friends.  i'm not talking about a best friend, i'm not sure such a thing really exist.  i'm talking about friends to hang with.  to... just hang with.  if i'm not at work, i'm sitting here in my room reading, watching a movie or online.  my web friends are great.  i love them a lot.  but... i can't go to the movie with them.  i can't go to a concert or shopping or play playstation with them.  i can't scope cute guys with them, i can't take them to a cafe so they can give me encouragement.  i've never been very good at making friends.  but, i think if i'm going to make it i have to change that.  somehow... i'm not sure how, but somehow.

i need to talk to my mom.  it is sooooo hard, but i need to do it.  she keeps asking questions.  she asked me a bunch of times today why i had decided not to teach.  i just want to say, "because i'm gay mom.  life is hard enough right now, i can't handle the attacks i do and would get."  she would faint if i said that.  sigh...

i have friday off so i'm going to do a lot of thinking about the future.  mom needs some help with the pond, so i'll do that, then... think :-)
today was so beautiful.  it was 80 degrees and sunny.  life is a lot better when i can be outside and just... be apart of nature.  i love it.

time for bed dude...
peace
 

tuesday, may 2, 2000
i know dude, i know...
i've done a terrible job the past week or so of writing.  and... this isn't april :-)  but i figured i could do the update changes and then write just a little, or skip the updates tonight and write more.  i'm going to try to work on my page tomorrow.  a new main page quote.  new piks on the pages.  a new pik of me thanks to rony's insistence (he is sooo cute i can't resist!).  and maybe some other work if i have time.  i really want to do some major work on my page, but... time and software (i can't afford  a good page maker!).

so, let me catch up dude...
work is really bad.  i'm not sure that i will be there long.  it is hard when people turn on you, when you are made to look like a bad guy when all you've ever tried to do was help.  anyway, my friends say, "get out", "run away... fast" and "don't look back".  most likely i'll do that, but i'm not sure yet.  ughhhh!  don't i have enough problems in my life!?  geesh... what?  fate look around and say, "oh... craigers finally got up the nerve to ask that dudes name, lets blitz his ass!"  oh well, life goes on :-)

jacob... wow.  i could never have thought that things would be happening the way they are now.  it was just a few months ago i was so hoping he would still be my friend.  that i was thinking how much i missed my best friend.  well, now... in order to protect him... i've forced him away to a point.  i won't take my problems to him.  i won't let him be involved in my life.  he just can't be.  it is too risky for him.  the price is way to high.  i hope to still be able to be friends, just not so close.  i want to be able to help him.  dude, don't think this isn't sooo hard.  it has ripped me up.  but no matter what it does to me, i have to do it for him.

my sister had a hand made card waiting for me at my door when i got home today.  it made me cry.  she said she has been thinking about me.  she knows life is hard and she is here for me, always.

i think that on thursday i'm going to see if some friends want to go with me to the cafe.  i'm sure i won't get guys talking to me if i'm not alone, but maybe i can say hi to jason.  maybe talk to him and/or maybe find the guy who tried to talk to me last week.

i've made some great friends at eggy's message board.  they've really helped me soo much!  they are great.  i look forward to talking to them so much.  and dewey even dedicated a chapter of his story to me.  wow!  i was so touched.  he is a great guy and becoming a good friend.  you know how hard it is for me to let people become close.

rony and i are planning our trip for the end of july.  i'm sooooooo looking forward to it.  i need a vacation so bad.  my tax refund finally came back, so i can add that to the pot.  i can't wait for california!
well, i think that catches me up for now.  i've got to get to bed...
peace
(btw - gotcha rony :-P  )