friday, november 30   2001  part 2!
wow!  i thank god for maggie and adam.  i went to the party... it is now 4:42 in the morning.  wow!  maybe the best party yet.  i was so happy.  i left at nine thirty and on the way karen called me.  she asked for maggie's phone number.  adam had invited her and she was bringing sellie.  i was really happy to know they were coming.  i figured he would be there, so i brought something that i've had for him.  so, i arrived at ten.  it was pretty slow.  actually very slow.  there were four other people.  then i went to the liquor store to get my own stock.  i spent twenty damn dollars on a drink that i can't drink because it has cream in it.  oh well, i've received enough, i can give back some.  and i bought jeaguer ( i have no clue how to spell it).  just a miniature.  it was great.  i had two shots of that and i was set... but i digress... so i'm drinking a little and friends start to arrive.  eventually sellie and karen arrive.  i didn't know how i would do, but you know what?  it was all good.  i looked into his eyes, and i said my silent goodbyes.  and it was done.  then i could accept the friendship.  that will be great.  but yea... eventually the guy i mentioned earlier... tony.  he arrived.  as cute as ever (yea, i don't have a fucking clue what i was talking about in the first entry).  well, i swore he was checking me out every once in awhile.  you know what?  i had a couple of friends watch and... HE WAS!  WOO HOO!  eventually i drank enough to dance.  then i was walking into the kitchen and had to walk between him and someone else.  well, he patted me on the chest as i walked by!  i about flipped out!  how could this guy even be interested in me!  then i got the courage to dance close to him, and at one point... he put his arm around me.  then he held my hand as he held someone else's (as we had them in the ai).  i was so happy.  i decided that i had to give him my phone number.  well, a fight started and spilled into the parking lot.  he had to help his roommate who was the reason the fight happened.  so as they got ready to leave i handed him a piece of paper with my name and phone number.  i said, "when the trauma is over, call me if you want."  he dropped it and picked it up.  they stayed awhile longer.  he still kept watching me.  i thought they were going to stay the night, but they left.  :-(  so i came on home (totally sober, i would never drive drunk, ever.)  so it was really great!  woo hoo!  i just wish karen was online tonight to talk to me!

the first party i was at when i moved here, i met ryan.  the next one i saw tony (i never met him until tonight, but we have been to at least four parties together in six months).  the next party i met scottie.  so it is all good.  i'm really happy.

hey!  maybe tony will never call.  but the way he kept looking at me and touching me... i think i have a better than average chance he will call.  if not... another cute one got away, i'll move on.  i really think if the fight hadn't happened something more could have happened tonight.  well, he knows i'm interested, he has my number.  we'll see if he uses it.  prolly will, when i'm indiana with no signal!

tonight was a really important night for me.  friends whom i love.  a great party.  being able to deal with sellie and having a connection with a guy i've been thinking about for months.  woo hoo!  i gave him my number!  woo hoo!

well, i'm going to go to bed, dream for a few hours and then head to indiana for a few days.
i am really really happy!  it feels great!  and it is thanks to my great friends.  one of the most important of which is scotty.  but so many great friends have made me be happy like this... maggie, adam, aubrey, sarah, ryan, andrea, shane, julie, karen... they are such great friends.  some have done a little, some have walked me the entire way.  they are great.  i love them all.  and i am happy!
and i am tired.  off to bed with me, for what dreams may come...

let me be your hero

Would you dance if I asked you to dance?
Or would you run and never look back?
Would you cry if you saw me crying?
And would you save my soul tonite?
Would you tremble if I touched your lips?
Or would you laugh?  Oh, please tell me this.
Would you die now for the one you love?
Oh hold me in your arms tonite.
I can be your hero baby
I can kiss away the pain
I will stand by you forever
You can take my breath away
Would you swear that you'll always be mine
Or would you lie?  Would you run and hide?
Am I in too deep?  Have I lost my mind?
I don't care.  You're here tonight
I can be your hero baby
I can kiss away the pain
I will stand by you forever
You can take my breath away
Oh I just want to hold you.
I just want to hold you, oh yea
Am I in too deep?  Have I lost my mind?
I don't care. You're here tonight.
I can be your hero baby
I can kiss away the pain
I will stand by you forever
You can take my breath away.
I can be your hero
I can kiss away the pain
I will stand by you forever
You can take my breath away
You can take my breath away
I canbe your hero.

     - enrique 'hero'
 

friday, november 30   2001
i'm kind of tired : )  i didn't sleep a lot last night... because i was up talking online to sellie and 'k'.  it was a good chat, except the bastard left before i could say goodnight!
things are going well.  i'm not sure what will ever end up with us but whatever it is it will be.  i can only control so much.  being me, living my life... that is about all i can do.  so yea...
i mean, i hope to be friends with sellie.  and of course i haven't written him off if something should happen in the future.  but i doubt it ever does.  there is just something there i think.  something happened that made him lose interest.  i'm not sure what, and i don't blame myself so much anymore.  i'm not sure what it is, and maybe he doesn't know either.  maybe when he is ready and if he still fancies me and i still like him it won't matter.  who knows.
he says friendship is so less complicated.  true at times (friendships can get pretty complicated).  but friendships lack a few things that make relationships special (no, not sex... but that too!).  so it is all a trade off i guess.
the simple fact is not one of us knows what tomorrow will bring.  maybe when i go to this party i'll drive off the road and die.  maybe when i'm home in indiana this weekend i'll decide to never come back.  maybe...
tomorrow is it's own day.  while today can influence it, we have no clue how, why or if.  we just have to live and see.  and we do, every day.  a new adventure in this long journey.  tomorrow sellie and i may click and be together forever.  tomorrow we may see each other for the last time ever.  tomorrow may bring anything in between.  take a breath and plunge in!

i've learned a lot sellie, thank you.  never will you be forgotten.  i hope our friendship is forever.

i think i'll go to the party.  who knows, i met sellie at a party... : )
except if this tony guy is there... yea.  what was i thinking?  so no.  but maybe ryan will be.  he has a ton of gay friends to hook me up with.  one rule this time, they have to be out!

i'll be home in indiana this weekend, so no updates.  it is my family thanksgiving.  it will be nice to see them all together... for about five minutes! : )  i love my family.  i use to think that they really never help me.  but now i see them more as the hidden strength that helps me keep going.
also.. tripod has been a bastard again lately.  i've updated my journal but can't publish it.  so... if i don't publish for awhile it is because i can't get online to tripod.  i'm thinking of moving the page to another place.  i've asked a friend who is great with web pages.  i'll wait on his advice.

life!  it is here!  let's not forget to live!
and in the living, when we have pain and heart ache, let us know it belongs.
it is part of us, and keeps us alive just as much as our yearning soul.
 
 

thursday, november 29   2001
hey dude... i will be at work late tonight and then i open in the morning (so i can maybe go to a party friday night... that or just go home.  i was going to take sellie to the party so now i'm not sure i want to go) so i'm not sure i'll be able to write tonight and i want to write.  i've written a lot lately huh?  a lot has happened lately i guess.
yea... the party is one that, actually sellie and i talked about the night he gave me his number.  he asked if i was going (it was suppose to be earlier).  i said yea.  he said something like i'll see you there.  then he said"you don't have to wait until the party.  you can call me before."  i said, "i don't have your phone number."  then he said, "i was about to give it to you." and smiled.  he is so cute.
so i'm not sure i'm up to the party.  i prolly should.  but i don't want to be sad.  i'm not going to be a buzz kill!  on the other hand if i get so drunk i can't remember...   i'll have to see if i can sleep over.

i'm doing much better.  i had my best nights sleep in a long while.
i'm upset that i've hurt sellie.  i hope to be able to talk to him on the phone soon.  maybe in person.  i need to let him know it is all ok.  we need to be friends.
 

wednesday, november 28   2001
dude... were do i start after all that i've felt, all i've been through?
i feel better.  i miss him. i thought about taking down the broken heart, but not yet.
i look back at what i wrote over the last two days and i know it is real.  i know the pain is there.
i wonder why.  sellie... i only knew him a month or so.  i mean, i've liked him for longer but...
i'm not sure i guess... why it has been so hard.  but then again, i am.  it is a rare thing i think, to come across someone so sweet.  i wash touched.  i was touched that very first night.  at the party.  when i, they shy guy, ventured upstairs to a room with people i didn't even know, sat down on a bed and talked.  i was touched.  i did that for one reason... i wanted to be in the same room as sellie.  i wanted to be in his presence.
i really liked him.  and i really had him.  and i really lost him.
that is why it was and is so hard.  i'm not sure if it is worse to long for something and have it never be... or to have in your arms what you long for... only to see it leave because you couldn't keep it.

i know i've hurt sellie.  by the way i've acted.  the things i've said.  i never meant that of course.  but i have to be me.  i have to express myself.  sellie means so much to me.  i feel very bad that i've hurt him.  i wish i could make things right.  i wish i never hurt him.  he is too sweet and has done too much for me, that i should hurt him.  i hope he can forgive me.
i wish i could make him love me.  but i can't.  that is either to be or not to be.  i have no control.  i do know that i believe if it is still meant to be, it will be.

sellie and i are going to be friends i hope.  i hope we keep doing things and hanging out.  he is great to be with.  and i'm sure i can handle being around him.  if i can't, well i'll deal.  his friendship will be important to me.  i hope i can make mine important to him.  i hope i haven't ruined that too.  i'm not sure how things will work since we really didn't do that much because of "time".  but maybe now he will be less afraid of having me around.  i hope, because i would like to be his friend.  and i really like the friends i've made, his friends.  i don't want to give them up.  but of course if he needs me to i will in a heart beat.  i need to do what is right, not just what is right for me.

i'm not sure i'll ever find love.  i'm not really sure love even exist.  but i know that if i do find it, the person that is with me for my life, he will love me just the way i am. there will be no heart break.  there will be no trauma.  there will be love.

i feel much better tonight.  thanks to "k" and "j".  thanks to sellie.  we had a long chat online (the first time i've ever seen him online).  it was very good.  it made me feel really good.  i honestly think that he will be my friend.  that we will hang out.  i must somehow get it into his head though... that i'm not some lifeless twit who does nothing fun.  just because i haven't had anyone to do anything with... but that is another story for another time i hope...
i feel good tonight.  i'm going to sleep tonight.  i'm going to miss sellie.  that will take awhile yet.  but i will find another guy.  and maybe i'll do with him the things i dreamed of... i got to do... with sellie.  maybe.  but no one will ever replace sellie.  he will always be in my heart.

so i have sadness still.  but i see the clouds breaking away.  i will make it.  my craziness, my emotions... they are a part of me, and i am proud.
sellie was a part of me.  i let him into my life, into my heart.  he made me feel wonderful.  and i'm proud of that.  for now he is gone, tomorrow is another day and i will carry on.  and i'm proud of that.
 
 

tuesday, november 27  2001 part 2
well dude, i won't write so much this time.  it is getting on 5 in the morning.  another night of no sleep.
but i am feeling a little better.  and i didn't even do it with drugs or alcohol tonight.
i did it with friends.  whether it was francis' kind words or the sweet voice of christopher on the phone.  the long hours of staying up with me that karen put in or the smile of jen's.  the heart felt sorrow of shane or the wonder of wisdom and compassion from someone i still care about, my ex.  they all helped me.  i'm still here.  and i'm feeling like i will make it.  no small task if you look below.  my friends have saved me.
i still have a long way to go before sadness is gone.  and i will never forget scotty.  he will live in my heart always.  if i could build a bridge over that giant hole heith left in my heart, i'm sure i'll be able to carry on past this missing part of my heart that is scotty.
i'm blessed.  blessed to have known him, if even for only a brief flutter of time.  i'm blessed to know how many friends i have and how very much they care.
 

tuesday, november 27   2001
being dumped has to be the worst feeling in the world.  it makes you feel so alone, so awful.  you think about all the things you did wrong, all the things you could have done different.  when heith was killed... yea that was worse.  and of course i blamed myself for that... still do.  so maybe having such a close friend killed is worse than getting dumped.  but, it still hurts like hell.  i didn't sleep much at all last night.  i didn't even go to bed until 6:30.  then i just kind of laid there.  screaming at god... screaming at myself.  all on the inside of course, i wouldn't want the neighbors to think i'm nuts... i have enough trouble.
it took me a week to get over being dumped before by... my only other real boyfriend, 'd'... well a week to function again.  i'm not sure i'm over him even now.  i think it will take longer this time.  i felt closer to sellie.  he held me.  'd' wanted to, we just... it wasn't allowed to be.
this time it was allowed to be.  but i got in the way.
well, i have an hour before i have to go to work.  just enough time to sit and stare at the wall for a long while then go and find a little bottle, which i'm going to fill with tequila and keep with me always for the next week.  just enough to keep me numb.
and with all that... today i feel a little better than last night... i mean this morning.  it takes time.  still there is a whole in my heart.  it is still broken.  maybe just maybe... i'm a real drama queen in disguise.
maybe... but it does hurt.
"'I'm just trying to stay alive up here,' he cries 'Don't you understand?  I'm just trying to stay alive.'"
 

monday, november 26   2001
i cry
my heart is broken
yet again
i've let a sweet life
come close
his caress
his desire to hold me
to be close to me
he is gone
gone because of me
i was not what i could be
i was not what i should be
and yet again, love has flown away

all i want
all i've ever desired
from this life
is someone to hold me
i found him
he held me
i lost him
because i am not worthy
of love
of caring
of being held

either i must change
or i must cease to exist
no longer can my heart take
watching love fly away
each time a piece of me flies away too
 

yea dude... sellie broke up with me.  i cried all the way home.  i'm such a fucking idiot... ~shakes head~
i have someone that actually liked me!  that sought me out!  who gave me his phone number!  who wanted to hold me!  and what do i fucking do!!! i push him the fuck away.  i am everything i shouldn't be.  HE FUCKING LIKED ME!  AND I STILL COULDN'T MAKE IT WORK!
can anyone in the world find someone more fucking worthless than me?!?!
i was right... tonight was all about breaking up with me.  and then when i got home i got online to do my journal (why the fuck to i bother with this piece of fucking shit journal anyway!) and 'k' is online... so is 'j', both friends of sellies.  yea, so they are there to help me. and they are so wonderful.  but now, i have every feeling that sellie was with one of them reading what i wrote.  i know he went back to the apartment after we both left.  they all knew... and ~sigh~ i'm such a fucking loser.
i really liked him.  maybe i was starting to feel even more.  maybe he was too... or would have.  and i... i messed it up and lost him.
i'll never be the same.  how can i after fucking up someone who cared about me?
and i have no clue what i'm going to do.  i want to run away, but no place is far enough.  i want to hide, but no place is deep enough.
i've lost him and i don't know what to do.
i wish i could just stop everything.  cease to exist.  no, i wish i never existed.  that would be wonderful.  then i wouldn't have to endure this life, this constant pain.  and no one would have their life fucked up by me.  most of all that is what i hate... that i took sellie, a guy who liked me, and i made him not like me.  he would have been better off if i was never there.  everyone would be.
i just want to hold him.
 

sunday, november 25   2001
hi dude...
today has been a good day.  i woke up and called 's' (nick name for now... sellie, because he always calls on his cell phone which is always full of static... and i love it! : )  so, i woke up and called sellie.  got his voice mail so i called back later cause his voice mail is awful.. he never gets it.  well... he seemed like he had a full day, and through the static everything seemed to be going the same as before... which is not good.
see, i just don't know... if he likes me.  he never wants to do anything with me.  and then when he does stuff with others... it breaks my heart.  he knew i had friday off, the first friday i've had off in a long long time... and it seemed his friend "k" was more interested in doing something with me than he was.  she wanted to figure out what they were doing so i could come alone.  he... just sat silent.  then he said he would call after i got off of work.  he did.  two hours after i got off of work.  he just said he didn't know what they were doing, he would call me tomorrow.  heart ache...  then on saturday (the tomorrow) i left work at 8.  a co-worker wanted me to come and see his sea horses, so i went with him.  he opened the door and guess who is sitting on the floor?  yea, sellie along with 'k' and some guy next to sellie.  well, you could have knocked me over with a feather.  i got a lump in my throat.  see, sellie is friends with the co-workers sister.  so, anyway, we went upstairs and looked at the sea horses (very cool).  when i came back down, i couldn't even look at him.  they all said bye.  i said bye, as i walked out the door.  i cried all the way home.  heart break.  and... he never called.
so, i determined that i would call his friend 'k'.  i would ask her if there was any reason for me to not do what i was about to do, walk away from sellie.  but i don't know her number.  i'm still trying to find it.
so, back to this day... i called and it sounded like a lot of other calls... hi, how are you... i like to talk to you, but i don't want to see you...  he said he was too busy to do anything, he had homework and unpacking and stuff.  so i asked him to call me on his way home.  he said he would be leaving at 6 or 7.  well, the computer crashes at like... i don't know 4:30 or so.  right after i hit the restart button the phone rings.  it is sellie.  he tells me about his new car and stuff, then he says he won't be able to stop by (he wasn't going to before) because they don't have it titled yet and his parents don't want him driving it much.  my response... "you wanted to stop by?"  i was happy with that.  he said, "yea, i kinda did".  then he said, "lets see... off tomorrow... i'll go home and check my homework.  maybe you can come out and we can have dinner".  i was in shock.  i really was.  i told him that would be great.  he said he would call when he got home, around nine.  well sometime after nine he called.  he put me off again.  but i really feel like if i asked to see him, he would have done something.  he had unpacking and homework and his roomy bought a dog for their place.  so... i understood.  we are to have dinner tomorrow after his work, at nine.
what brought this on?  i'm so shocked.  i have no clue.  i was literally hours away from saying goodbye for good... because i thought he was ashamed of me or didn't like me.  and maybe that is it.  maybe he wants to see me so he can tell me to go away... i don't know.  but, either way i'll have a few more answers... he is so sweet.  i just wish he would stop breaking my heart.  but today... it was a good day.  for the first time he actually asked me to do something with him.  i know he has fear, because he isn't out totally... so it means a lot, it means whole bunches!  woo hoo!

so i'm happy.  i've guarded my heart against getting close to him.  maybe i can let that down a little.  we'll see...

work, it is not good!  oh dear god in heaven.  theater trauma!  as sellie would say.  the new boss... awful.  he is destroying everything.  if things continue as they are, i expect 80% of the staff to be gone in two weeks.  not good.  so they keep calling and talking to me.  i'm their leader i guess, now that shane is gone.  and that is ok, i want to help them.  they are like family to me, i want to take care of them the best i can.  i feel responsible to them.  so i'll try to solve this thing.  i'm torn between letting things go to hell, and showing the company they should have put me in the top spot, or pulling it out of hell it is in, and helping out my friends, never getting so much as a glance from the company.
i'll help.  i'll try to pull it out.  the only reward i need is knowing i've helped my friends be happy.  for them i'll do it.
we are to meet for lunch tuesday.  i'll try to get them to let me take the point on this... so they are protected and so the new guy doesn't feel like he is being attacked.  but i'll protect them at all cost, even if that means telling them to find a new job.
this all sounds too familiar doesn't it dude?  two years ago almost exactly.  i lost that battle that i didn't' want to fight.  but it was the good fight.  i tried.  this time, i'm happy with me.  i'm gay.  i've got a guy who may just become a boyfriend.  i've got friends whom i know will back me this time.  and i have a company i think trust me.  whatever the facts... only one thing remains important... it's the right thing to do.  i care about my friends.  i want to help them.

the last thing, good news indeed.  i met up with another old friend tonight online.  lance from cleveland (i can use his name cause he has his own web page that he uses it on!).  he is so cool and such an inspiration.  we talked for a long while.  another old friend was having a tough time because of parents.  lance wanted me to send a note of encouragement.  he and some guys in his group started up this queer dollars for salvation army thing.  it is a cool 3 dollar bill that talks about the bigotry of the SA that you can drop in their donation bucket.  very cool.  i'll print them and distribute them tomorrow.  lance is a really cool, really nice guy.  i'm sorry i ever lost contact with him.  i'm really glad i've gotten his friendship back.  woo hoo!

well, wish me luck with sellie tomorrow.  either all will go great, or he will tell me to go blow... wait... hmmm... or he will tell me he doesn't like me... yea that sounds better.  the other just... well it isn't bad news. : )
good night dude
 

wednesday, november 21   2001
i'm feeling really good dude.  today has been a really good day.  there is something breathtaking about change...
first the important things... my guy (not boyfriend yet).  's' (i must come up with a nick name) came over as he promised he would.  he is so sweet.  we had lunch and then came back here and watched a movie (gladiator) and talked.  i told him how i felt... that i liked him and i wanted to see more of him.  i told him i knew things were hard for him because he isn't out to a lot of people and he gets scared about who might find out.  he is also very busy with his classes and work and friends.  but i think he understood what i was saying, and most of all he made it pretty clear he wants to keep going.  he made it wonderfully clear that our relationship isn't just about the sex.  i don't know what will happen.  there are a lot of things that we have to figure out.  but... any relationship doesn't just start off at full speed.  we all work our way to things.  i know that he wants to keep on that journey.  he has questions... just like i do.  i wonder about him not being out.  i wonder about him being younger than i am.  i wonder about his smoking habit... i can't stand cigarette smoke, but so far it hasn't bothered me... which amazes me.  but none the less... questions.  i know he has some too... my personality (i'm more shy and quiet than he is use to).  i'm older than he is and he doesn't know if that will effect how we relate... "you don't get drunk and run across the road in front of cars"  i said, "actually i did that last night... except i wasn't really drunk... buzzed maybe".  and i really did.
so yea... it was great.  we watched the movie... he laid in my lap and we just.. enjoyed being close.  it was wonderful.

ok, i must write about other stuff now.  i don't want to move from 's' but it is late and this other stuff must be written so...
my boss and friend was moved from the theater.  he has to start working at his new theater (closer to my apartment actually) on friday.  he called when i was out tuesday night with friends in dekalb.  he said he had something very important to talk about.  i was worried that i was fired (the district manager was visiting).  he said it had nothing to do with my job, that i was fine.  well... i got off the phone and i said to my friend 'm', he is going down state or to the theatre near me... i pray to god they don't want me to take his job.
well... yea... he yelled and screamed for me to get his job... but they gave it to the asst. that is at the theater he is moving to.  he was worried i would be upset, which i understand because as short as a few weeks ago i wanted it... and would have been extremely upset.  but over the last week... and with the extremely depressed time i've been having (see the last entry) i have come to the understanding that the theater is killing me.  it is destroying my life.  i can not have a social life.  i work such odd hours.  i never know my schedule from one week to the next, i work friday, saturday and sunday... awful.  so i decided i had to get out no matter what.  well... if they had offered me the managers job i would have not been able to turn it down.  with the bill problems i have.  but i would have been miserable.  so thank god i didn't have to do that.
it is no big deal to me.  the company has always screwed me, i'm use to that.  i have already decided i need to get out so... it is kind of thrilling... change.  it is sad too... because the little family that has been my strength while moving here, will be gone.  my friend/boss is going, i'm going, another friend is going and most likely even another.  so... it is sad.  but change can be... invigorating in a fearful kind of way.
i guess for me it is a push off of a ledge that i've been needing to do, but just have been too afraid to do.  now i'm doing it and that is a great joy.  but there is fear in stepping off the cliff.  kind of like jumping off of a cliff with a bungee cord!

i'll start looking around dekalb for a job very soon.  at first i hoped to have a new job before christmas.  but 'm' said i should stay for my christmas bonus.  i didn't think so, but my friend/boss said it could be as high as 500.  since i'll have no money for christmas... that could have an effect.  he is going to check it out.  i imagine it will be more like what i thought... 50 bucks.  but we'll see.

well... that was a lot for tonight.
i'm excited.  i'm excited about my love life.  i'm excited about finally being out of the theater.  i'm excited about my future.  i feel really good.  it is a nice feeling : )
happy happy, joy joy!
 
 

monday, november 19   2001 - part b
i want to die tonight
i want to be free
set me free
i want to be held in my mom's arm's tonight
i want him to want to be with me tonight
i want him to love me tonight
i want a friend to talk to tonight
i want to stop crying tonight
set me free
i want to be free
i want to die tonight
i want to collapse tonight
i want to wail to the depths of my soul tonight
i want my world to crash tonight
i want to die tonight
i want to be free
set me free
 

monday, november 19   2001
lisse list  diw

cool breeze and autumn leaves
slow motion daylight
a lone pare of watchful eyes
oversee the living
feel the presence all around
a tortured soul
a wound unhealing
no regrets or promises
the past is gone
but you can still be free
if time will set you free

time now to spread your wings
to take to flight
the life endeavor
aim for the burning sun
you're trapped inside
but you can still be free
if time will set you free
but it's a long long way to go

keep moving way up high
you see the light
it shines forever
sail through the crimson skies
the purest light
the light that sets you free
if time will set you free

sail through the wind and rain tonight
you're free to fly tonight
and you can still be free
if time will set you free
and going higher than mountain tops
and go high like the wind don't stop
and go high
free to fly tonight
free to fly tonight
free to fly tonight
free to fly tonight
free to fly tonight
free to fly tonight
free to fly tonight
free to fly tonight
free to fly tonight
free to fly tonight
free to fly tonight
 

sunday, november 18   2001
hey dude, i fixed my monitor!  woo hoo!

i found the most interesting and lively personal tonight.  this guy was so interesting and cool.  the best personal i've ever read.  i think i'll email him to let him know how good it was.

i think about "s" a lot.  i just wish i knew what to think.  he called me twice last night.  at 1:30 and 4:00 in the morning.  i love to talk to him.  but what does it mean when the guy you like and who you know likes  you... calls in the morning while partying just to tell you good night.  just to talk.  doesn't it mean he is feeling something?  i don't know.  i know that i'm starting to really like him.  i think he is one of the sweetest guys i've ever met.  i just wish somehow i could get to spend more time with him.  that is my problem.  that is what i'm lost about...
i guess that is life and we keep going, enjoying every heart beat as a rich and wonderful piece of our journey, whether it last a moment or a lifetime.
 

monday, november 12   2001
hey dude... this may be my last journal entry for awhile... as my monitor is about to die.  i can't type if i can't see.  but what i write might be better!
i'll do my best to fix it, but i don't think i can.  and, as i can't find the money to get my new package of contacts... i don't think i'll be able to come up with the 800 bucks for a new computer.

last night something really great happened.  i talked with... "the son of evil".  "s" was over for a few minutes.  he reminds me of "d" (the son of evil... yea...)  so i started thinking about "d" and how terrible i acted.  i took his name off of the blocked list for my email.  then he was on AOL IM, so i messaged him just to say i was sorry and that he could email if he liked.  well he wanted me to stay and talk.  that was great.  i was really happy.  we talked for a long time it seemed.  he is happy at college.  he is learning and getting out and living his life.
i'm so glad we talked.  it reminded me of the really nice guy he is.
i miss him.
 

saturday, november 10, 2001
sigh... i'm really tired and i must be up in a little while to go to work... but i can't sleep.  i wanted to write i guess.  i was going to write in bed, but yea... i have drained my battery again.  so i'm on the floor.  i'll have to recondition my battery tonight i guess.
so i went out with the cute guy.  yea... : )  woo hoo!
he is.... wow.  i just don't know what to do.  after all that has gone on i'm very very very... cautious?
but he is really nice.  we have a lot to learn about each other.  and i really have no clue what he is thinking about me.  we have talked a lot on the phone.  he actually calls me more than i call him!  he loves to talk and he loves to listen.  he is kind and compassionate.  he is a lot of things i didn't expect him to be.  the most important thing to me i think... he likes to hold me.  i mean, he actually takes my hand to hold it.  so far he is more than a diamond in the rough.  he seems to be a kind of angel in peoples clothing.
we'll see.  like i said, i have no clue what he thinks of me.  and i'm sure that if i do fall for him, he'll be all about walking the other way in a walk that most amazingly looks like a 100 yard dash.
but this is for sure, i can't keep him out of my mind... but then why should that change... he has been on my mind since i first met him at "a"'s party three months ago.
well i must sleep... and dream a little dream.  see what kind of adventures my mind can create this time.
 

sunday, november 4   2001
hi dude... wow has it been a long time.  actually about two weeks.  a lot has happened, too much to write each day i guess.  lets see... blu was here.  he was different than i thought.  i'm still not sure exactly what to think.  but i do love him.  he is a wonderful guy.  i believe we are soul mates and will stay close our entire lives.  i've only ever felt that way about one other person, jake.  blu and i broke up about two days after he was here.  there was just too much that didn't click between us i think... maybe too much that we didn't know about each other.  one thing was for sure, neither of us wanted to be in a long term relationship.  we just aren't at that point in our lives.  so we remain very good friends.  to be honest, i think there were things about me that at this point he couldn't live with and there were things about him that at this point i couldn't live with.  but he is a great guy and we'll see what we see.
i learned a lot from blu.  i learned about myself and am really excited about making some changes.  i gained a tremendous amount of self esteem and self respect.  it was a wonderful week, one of my best ever.
i missed blu something terrible when he left.  i think it wasn't him as such, because i know he is always there if i need him.  i think it was the fact that for the first time in a long time... for that week, i didn't feel alone.  there was always someone in my apartment with me, someone to go places with.  when i went to sleep, he was there, when i woke up he was there.  it was nice.  then he left... i rode home alone on the train and came back to a totally empty apartment.  it was hard.  really hard.  it was the first time in my life i felt like i was about to crack.  maybe i did.  but i survived.  i always do.

so on friday at work, i got the number of a cute guy.  woo hoo!  i called him tonight.  we talked for awhile and made plans to do something.  it's cool.  i'm excited.  he is going to call tomorrow.  and in a few days we are going to go do something.

well, i must go.  i have a lot to do.  including making dinner.  blu has made me promise to eat right and i'm also focused on a two month conditioning of eating right and working out.  we'll see what happens.

thank you blu.  hello world.