"where are you stephen?"
i need to feel your soft breath against the nape of my neck.  i need your understanding hands to wipe the tears from my lost eyes.  i need you to bind my life's lies and make a truth of love.  i need you to quell this sorrow, fear and pain that is so deep.  i need you to hold me close and strip the wounds from my world.
"where are you stephen!" i cry, as my head rest on knees pulled close to my chest, my tears falling into my forsaken soul.
 

monday, october 30   2000
this is, i believe, the best book i've ever read.  i know i say that a lot.  i love books.  they do what movies do, only more so.  they allow me to live another life.  to put all the pain and heartache of this life aside and enter into a new reality.  movies mesmerize, stories entwine.
what a wonderful story this is.  i will most certainly miss it when i am finished.  i expect to reach the end tomorrow night.  then i shall make the sad torturous journal back to my life, leaving behind those who i've grown so close to, who's lives i've shared.  that is the magic of a story, to alter lives with the print of a word.  to make someone long to be in a reality that exist only in the world of their mind.  where, right or wrong, you feel you belong.  i shall miss stephen, jordan and jeff... even brandon.  maybe i will honor them in my memory when i make my first attempted at bringing someone into a reality that exist only in the world of their mind.  in that way, maybe i can make the story never ending.  never saying good bye to those who have become a part of your life, even if only in the world of your mind.
 

friday, october 27   2000
revelation

i sit... hot tears stinging my cheeks
falling from my eyes in torrids of grief
they blew it up
they killed them
...never will there be peace

they hate
they kill
because i am me
no love, no hope, no understanding
will ever stop them

why do they hate me
why must they kill me
they have done their job
their hate may not yet have ripped my flesh
but it has broken my soul

are they condemned
for their hate
for the life they take
...they are protected
by those who have the belief
but not the strength
to live their hate

we die
we die from their hate
bombs ripping our flesh
the knowledge we are hated ripping our soul

we die
because i am me

we die
no one cares
some say they care
words mean nothing
my people still die
stop the madness
erase the hate
...we die

we die
head beaten with tire iron
baseball bat showering brains to the wall
flesh crushed by car
crucified on fence row
blown through window
...spine snapping
...heart stopping
...because i am me

"we care"
i die
 

-cdr
(thank you christopher)
 

saturday, october 21   2000
remember the titans is one of the best movies i've ever seen.  it inspires me so very much.  it gives me hope.  it makes me believe that "one day" may actually come.
our freedom is coming.  peace is at hand.  something good has begun... i truly believe that something good has begun.
we still must battle.  we will still loose our brothers.  but the tide has turned. a new day has dawned.  rise up brothers.  rise up and see at the edge of darkness the hope our people have only dreamed of.  rise up and see the peace train coming.  it's our life.  it's our freedom.  it's our happiness.  it's coming... i've been happy lately thinking about the good things to come and i believe it could be something good has begun!

now i've been happy lately
thinking about the good things to come
and i believe it could be
something good has begun

oh i've been smiling lately
dreaming about the world as one
and i believe it could be
some day it's going to come

cause out on the edge of darkness
there rides the peace train
oh peace train take this country
come take me home again

now i've been smiling lately
thinking about the good things to come
and i believe it could be
something good has begun

oh peace train sounding louder
ride on the peace train
the peace train, holy roller
everyone jump upon the peace train

get your bags together
come, bring your good friends too
because it's getting nearer
it soon will be with you

now come and join the living
it's not so far from you
and it's getting nearer
soon it will all be true

oh peace train's sounding louder
ride on the peace train

now i've been crying lately
thinking about the world as it is
why must we go on hating
why can't we live in a bliss

cause out on the edge of darkness
there rides the peace train
oh peace train take this country
come take me home again

oh peace train sounding louder
ride on the peace train
the peace train holy roller
everyone jump upon the peace train
come on peace train
come on peace train

-"peace train"  by cat stevens
 
 

friday, october 13   2000
one year ago today... my life changed forever.  wow, what a year it has been.  i'll be honest, there were more than a few times that i really thought i wasn't going to make it.  there are still hard times, times i struggle, feel down and alone... but i know i'll make it now.
i can still remember the fear i had that first weekend.  i can still feel the lump in my throat that wouldn't let the word "gay" come out.  i can still remember the look on jacob's face, and his first words..."it doesn't change a thing."  wow, i will never forget that.  i'll never forget the feeling of the weight of the world being lifted off of my shoulders.  i truly felt like a new man.  i knew i had a hard cold world to face, but there was strength in knowing i would face it with the truth of who i was.  there is strength in truth.
it has been a year of fear, tears and dreams.  fear that the world would hate me for who i am.  tears when i realized many in the world do hate me, and even more tears when i realized there are friends who love me unconditionally.  and, dreams that i could one day live open and free as who i am.
one year later, and i can see clearly now, all the clouds are gone.  life has much in store for me, i'm sure there are many dreams that will come true.
i can't believe all that has happened.  i can't believe, i'm gay... and i'm happy about it!  i can't believe i've accepted it, i've come out... wow... so much has happened.  i can't wait to see what the future holds.

so, tonight i celebrated... in a grand way.  not with some fab party full of friends.  i went to see my good friend tom.  i thought it wasn't going to work out, but he called me this afternoon... it was a wonderful way to celebrate.  we ate, he took me to see the school he teaches at.  i'm so proud of him... he must be a great teacher.  then we took a walk along the river.  we talked for a while as we walked, and then finally i told him.  wow... for the first time since i told jacob, it was actually hard to say. i think because i have so much respect and admiration for tom.  he has been a really important friend to me and i guess i was a little scared of him rejecting me.  oh my... why did i worry?  he is the greatest.  he didn't even skip a beat.  he even talked to me about gay stuff, and joked with me!  he joked with me!  woo hoo!  that made me feel so great.  i knew that everything was just fine when he started joking.  but most of all i'll remember this... when i was ready to head back home, he came up and gave me a hug.  it may not seem like much, but it brought tears to my eyes.  i just told him i was gay, and he still gave me a hug.  he is a great friend... i always knew that.  god certainly knows there have been times, and there will be more, that i've needed a great friend.  now i know, without a doubt, he's there.  what a way to celebrate.  woo hoo!

my final thought on this night of cheer and celebration is for jacob.  if it wasn't for him, his openness, kindness, caring and sincere friendship... i would never have had the strength to be who i am.  he started me down this road.  and although he hasn't always been able to travel with me, because his life isn't yet his own, i know in his heart he has been with me every step of the way.  it is because of him that i'm here.  that... i will never forget.

i have a dream... that one day i can live my life in peace and happiness
i have a dream... that one day the world will see me and love me for who i am
i have a dream... that one day peace, understanding and love will overcome fear, hatred and bigotry
because my friends have helped me live as who i truly am... i have a dream
peace
 

thursday, october 12, 2000
this book is so good.  it makes me fear, feel, write...

i come face to face with my fears that cause my tears.
i'm carried to the deep loneliness of my soul.
reminding my emptiness,
it's real, this pain i feel.
 

wednesday, october 11   2000
i bought christopher rice's new book today, "a density of souls".  so far it is really good.  i read a chapter at the borders bookstore cafe before i drove around to look for the gay community center.  it isn't too long, 274 pages.  so i'll prolly have it done soon :-(
i had directions to the center, but the dude who gave me the directions via email, forgot to describe the building to me.  i guess there is no sign or anything because they are redesigning the logo.  so there was no way in the world for me to know the place.  i emailed the dude back tonight... told him i couldn't find the place, but at least i had the guts to try.  he emailed back and apologized for not describing the building.  now i have a clear idea of the place, i drove by it twice.  maybe another time :-)
one of the cool things was that i was upset that i couldn't find the place.  see... i didn't decide to try to find it until the last minute.  i wanted to catch the debate tonight, so i didn't know if i would have the time... basically an excuse for me if i didn't have the guts to go.  all the way there i kept thinking how i could just drive by and if i didn't feel comfortable i could turn around and go home.  so the fact that i wasn't "relieved" that i couldn't find it, but instead disappointed... that is cool.  who knows, i may go back tomorrow.  even though it isn't test day... no... i don't have enough gas money.  maybe some day.
well... i'm off to dream that al gore kicked ass tonight... ~sigh~ i hope he wins.  he sure didn't help himself tonight.
 
 

tuesday, october 10   2000
wow... i'm watching The Moffatts on much music's intimate and interactive.... they are so good!  i can't wait to pick up their new cd.  their new sound is cool.  their new look is great too!  i think scott and dave have the best new look for sure.  as usual, dave's vocals rock!  these guys are one of the best groups i've heard... their sound, their songs... it is great!
i've had the idea that one of them is gay for awhile now.  i first thought this when i heard the song "Frustration" ...
There's no windows in this place
for me to show my weary face.
Rage I hold within my soul
at times I cannot control.
What's the point of me being here?
When being me is what I fear.
Every day it's all the same
trapped again in my own pain.
I cry myself to sleep
so many secrets I must keep.
No one to reach me...nobody cares.
Trapped in the middle of a distant stare.
I've prayed that I was free
of this grief that's filling me.
Everywhere I turn
every bridge must burn.
There's no windows in this place
for me to show my weary face.

seemed pretty intense to me.  as i've caught a few other things it all seemed to fall into place.  but i wasn't sure which one might be gay.  well, tonight i've got it.  there is no question which one i'm thinking of, and i would say i'm 90% sure he is gay.  the song, certain things said, actions, gaydar going off as strong as george bush's idiot alert.
it's cool!  i hope he makes it.  i hope he can be himself, be strong and have peace.  i really do.
of course i won't write his name, that isn't mine to share, it is his and his alone.
off to finish watching the moffatts!
peace
 
 

monday, october  9   2000
i called the local gay and lesbian help line tonight.  i'm excited because they gave me the name of a gay doctor in the area.  that is so cool, because i've left the doctor i was with and i really need to go in for a check up.  now i have a doctor to go to... just have to save the money!  woo hoo!
i also sent the gay community center an email asking for information about what the place was like.  it is the place that they have AIDS testing every wednesday.  i've tried to get nick and jamie to go with me, but they won't.  i guess i've been to nervous to go on my own.  i can do new people and new places if i have to.  but there has to be a really strong reason.  so far taking the test hasn't outweighed my uneasiness of a new place and new people.  so i was sending an email trying to get to know the place a little better... what the building was like, how many people would be there, that type of thing.  well, a fellow wrote back and told me he understood my fear, he had the same fear when he first walked in.  he said a little about the place and then gave me directions.  that helped a lot.  i just may go this wednesday.

i have friday off.  i didn't ask for it off, but i wasn't scheduled.  i'll try to call tom tomorrow and see if he has plans for friday.  that would be a nice way to celebrate i think.
peace
 

saturday, october 7   2000
i came home from work tonight planning on hitting the sack right away because i have to be back at work early in the morning.  i checked the cable as i was having a snack of cran-grape and carrots.  we have a free preview of the starz movie channel this weekend... i didn't want to miss a movie or anything.  well... wow... the independent film channel has a show called "the celluloid closet".  it is all about homosexuality and the movies.
i never realized how far we have come.  i think a lot about how hard life is today.  how, no matter how hard we try, society will never accept us as just us.  there will always be some tinge of unacceptableness to who we are.  as i watch this show i rethink everything about life.  at least i don't have to worry about being arrested for going to a gay bar, reading a gay book, having a gay web page.  sure there may be hatred and bigotry.  there may be so many things i can not do, nor will never be... but we've come a long, long way.  i can't wait to see how far we go from here.  one struggle, one battle, one drop of blood... one life at a time.  we will survive... and we will make this world a better place for those who come after us... we must.  it is what was done for us... we are the keepers of the dream.  we can not fail to keep the dream alive... we must not fail to pass the dream on.
peace
 

friday, october 6   2000
~sigh~  a movie i've been wanting to see for a long time is on the Sundance channel right now.  I have too many bills to have Sundance turned on, so now i have to sit here, knowing the movie i've been looking for is on, but i can't get it :-(  oh well...  i'm taking solace in the net.

one week away from my one year anniversary of coming out.  i was hoping for some kind of celebration... but it looks like i'll be celebrating by myself.  any of my few friends around here won't be joining me so thing haven't come along as i once hoped.  lol, i had a bigger than life dream of things anyway... silly rabbit.
maybe i'll try to make plans to visit my good friend tom.  i was suppose to visit him a few days ago, but it didn't work out.  i had a few more hours than expected on my pay check so i have some gas money to go.  i think that tomorrow i will put my resume online... see what kind of offers i get.  who knows, maybe i'll get to chicago sooner than i expected.

a cool guy who has a web page with poetry and stuff written buy gay guys has written and asked if he can use the little poem thing i wrote the other night.  that is really cool!  he seems to be a nice guy.  he liked my poem... he even said i write well... lol, oh well... no one is perfect :-)
he lives in the philippines like rony... maybe he'll become a friend, since it appears rony doesn't want to talk to me any more.  i'll keep a philippine connection.
anyway, with the encouragement of this and my friend katie telling me it was a good poem as well... i may just start working on my book again.  that is a great feeling.  woo hoo!

one other thing about my page... i've been getting a few emails about my adrian page!  amazing.  i guess it is on search engines and stuff.  that is cool.  i think i'll do some updating on the adrian page soon.  since that is the page i'm getting the most mail about it only seems fair.  way cool!

well... i've contented myself with "a civil action" starring john travolta and robert duvall.  seems pretty good.  i love movies where people who are hurt or treated terribly by society are helped.  this movie is like the rain maker with the very cute matt damon.
well... off to grab some nacho's and finish the movie.
life... yea i think we'll make it.
peace