monday, september 25   2000
well... sitting here watching "magnolia" (so far it is good).  and the book says "we may be done with the past, but the past isn't done with us."
i haven't gotten the sub thing set up yet.  i don't know maybe... maybe subconsciously i'm worried about the whole thing.  i don't know... i just get busy doing other jobs and stuff and i forget to call.  i get that way... worry about things i shouldn't.  i hate it because i pride myself on not worrying, just taking life as it comes.  sometimes i worry about others and what they think of me.  like the other day at the fair i was supposed to meet my sister and her family.  crowds don't bug me at all, but lately being in a public place around my hometown really bothers me.  i guess i feel people are watching me and talking about me.  i worry someone from my past is going to come up and confront me, yell at me, maybe even try to fight me.  so... here i was at the fair, i couldn't find my sister.  i was late because i couldn't find a parking place.  so i was looking for her... totally freaking out.  i ran around the fair.  my mind was going a mile a minute.  i hated it.  i looked and looked.  i was finally going to leave and i found her.  i guess i feel protected when others are around.  sigh... what a goof ball.  oh well...

the stuff from the 9-22 entry is what i wrote late in the evening after i finished the book i was reading, "the coming storm" by paul russell.  it is a very good book.  about a gay teacher in a private school, and a gay student, and life...
peace
 

friday, september 22, 2000
so...  things change... people change.
all running...
busy...
complicated.
just a veil to cover what we all really know,
deep inside...
there is nothing.
nothing to which we are intended.
nothing to hold on to as some great hope.
we are here.
all that is sure,
is that one day,
tomorrow will never come.

yet we guise ourselves...
believing there is purpose.
that we have hopes and dreams,
that we are guided by some great cosmic force.
no.
rather we are pushed along.
each day falling into the other.
like waves crashing at sea.

so things change... people change.
if there is no design, can there be change?
what hope we have,
unfettered dreams of all that life can be,
that bring tears with welled up emotion.
screams from the soul when understanding comes...
dreams do not exist.

and life...
life has no meaning.
we live,
we smile...
we pretend that was the plan all the while.

and the waves keep crashing.
and the soul keeps screaming.
to desperately hold onto that which keeps flying by.
to have future,
to have meaning,
to have hope and dreams.
what is the soul for if not this?
and what anguish the soul... when it sees the truth.
the mighty thump, thump, thumping is not dreams building to a mighty crescendo...
but waves crashing into nothingness.

why then?
what then?
how then?
emptiness.
a void filled with a reality that will bring a new life.
peace?
hmph... not for mind racing, dead dreams and empty heart.
but sought none the less,
and one day... found.
when all see... truth.
then... things change... people change.
and once understood... life can be lived.

for once the sea of emotion is understood,
then and only then can it be grasped.
ah...
but truth's deep secrete,
unknown to all, ...
she will never be understood.
because she never truly exist.

and our hearts go on.
wailing...
hoping...
pleading...
begging.
until our tears bring our lies.
over and over...
our lies finally comfort.
souls happy.
life goes on.
off in the distance... a hushed thunder rolls.
and the waves crash.
we ... we are still we.
lost and cold.
yearning for love,
the warmth of which makes our soul care not that we don't understand.
 
 

sunday, september 17, 2000
wow, it has been awhile.  well, what is done is done, so on to now...
the big craziness the last week has been coach knight being fired.  in this "basketball is a god" state this is a big, big deal.  and i love basketball very much, and bob knight is a coach who i look to a lot in my coaching experience.  i've defended him with all abandon in the past, but no more.  i think IU handled things very poorly, and the president should be removed because of his mis-handling of the situation.  but, coach knight is responsible for his actions.  no one, not even coach knight, should be putting his hands around the neck of a kid.

i'm going to put my fear aside and start substitute teaching again.  it will keep me in teaching, which i may need to move to chicago.  it will also allow me to keep my job at the theater.  there aren't many jobs that you can decide when they call, if you are going to work that day or not.  this is important because if i close the theater at 12:30 in the morning and then have to be up at 6:00 in the morning to teach, finish that at 3:00 and have a few hours before i go back to work at the theater at 6:00... i may need to take a day off now and then.  any other job would not allow that of course.

the teaching job scares me, but i'll do it.  part of doing it has been figuring out what i'm going to do when the subject of my sexuality comes up.  it came up before, so i'm sure it will again.  do i continue to keep the commitment to be true to myself by not lying?  do i become low key so no one suspects?  do i open myself up to help those guys who need it?  my mom works in the school system.  my family has teachers who are friends... ugh...

so ... anyway, that aside (or maybe on my mind a little) i think i've decided to back off on all this gay shit for awhile.  stop talking about being gay.  stop so obviously looking at guys. stop talking about coming out.  i was planning a big party on october 13, one year from the day i came out.  now i'm just going to plan a small something with a few friends.  i'm going to take the rainbow of the car and stop wearing the rainbow bracelet rony gave me.  yea, i'm gay... so what?  my favorite color is green, i don't see a need to tell everyone that, why do i need to tell them i like guys?
i was thinking about doing all this, and then last night something happened that sealed it up for me... this cute guy comes into the theater with two of his friends.  he is wearing a tan cap.  i look at him... as soon as he came in my gaydar was going off.  they all check out the movie times.  then they get ready to leave.  now... he had glanced my way two or three times while they talked about movie times... so as they leave he looks over at me.  and it wasn't just a glance.  he stared.  then they head out the door and as soon as he goes out the door he looks at me again.  then the best was when they walked about ten feet, in front of the big windows, he turned his head, looked right at me and just kept looking.  i thought, fuck it, and looked right at him too.  he didn't look away.  just kept looking.
when they came back for the movie the watched "bring it on".  i had planned on watching it for the 10th time at the late show, but i chose to change that plan and watch it early.  i even passed within six inches of him when i went to the bathroom and he was coming out (no, i had no clue he was in there).  and what was the result of all this?  the same fucking result as always... not a damn thing.  so i'm done.  no more damn gay games.  no more.

i have one last thing to say... IAN THORPE!  WOO HOO!!!  he is cute and charming and that smile!  omigod!  go ian go!  i love the olympics!   and the full body suites... not as bad as i thought...
GO IAN GO!
 
 

tuesday, september 5, 2000
i feel very good.  it seems i've broken out of a recent funk.  i love this time of year.  it makes me feel so alive.  autumn is so beautiful.  it is by far my favorite time of the year.  last night was so amazing... i sat outside by the pond and read.  then, once the sun had set, i ventured out on the roof to read further.  the air was so crisp and clean, the sky so clear.  i so love fall.

i called one of my closest friends last night.  he is a college friend... tom.  he just received his first teaching job, so he has been very busy.  it was so good to talk to him.  i had been overpowered by memories of college while i read, so i put my book away and called.  we talked about this and that.  when he asked me about a particular girl i had mentioned to him, i was startled.  i'm so 'out' now, and here is one of my closest friends asking me about girls.  i haven't told him simply because i refuse to do so over the phone, he is much to important of a friend for that.  finding time to travel to see him hasn't been easy, what with my constant attacks of how dreaded this life is, work, and my inept attempts at trying to put my life in some sort of order.  we've made plans for later this month.  i very much hope they work out.  i do want to tell him that i'm gay, because, i know he will love me just the same.  as one struggles through this life, he can never know too often that he is loved just the way he is.  especially when it comes from those he holds close.

i am reading a wonderful novel right now.  after a somewhat slow start, i can't put it down.  it is entitled "The Coming Storm", by Paul Russell.
it is a terrific story.  the type of story that, for brief moments, allows me to live a life outside of this dreary mess that is my reality.  it allows me to be part of a life i could never experience.  the type of story that allows me to dream, hope, imagine, to live an entirely knew life.
the same type of story that will bring somberness and a torrid funk when i have turned the last page and must force myself to realize it was all a dream.  but at least it is a dream... and for a short while it is my dream, my life, my happiness.
peace